Monday, January 12, 2009

hmm of the day

I don’t know if people who used to read my site still read my site as the quality of penmanship has definitely deteriorated quite abit ever since December. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what kept me so busy the entire month but I was so preoccupied that I didn’t even pause to reflect on the year that has gone by. I don’t have a list of resolutions this year except maybe to exercise the ability to be on time. Seriously, I didn’t even have time to wrap my Christmas presents. I actually do my wrapping during lunch time. It came to a point where wrapping actually became stressful. Well, point is.. I got busy.

Today I am irritated and frustrated. And I started crying over no reason at all. With the multiple year-end social engagements I didn’t really have time to consider 2008 ‘till now. Alot of people are getting their transfers lately. I’m sad because I’m not one of them. And having to put up with yet another year in this stupid small town disheartens me. For every second spent in this hole on earth is another bitter second of social suicide. It is a small town full of elderly and children. The young people are all working in KL and Singapore. The hospital population is stagnant and limited. You don’t see anyone or meet anyone outside your occupation circle. Don’t even get me started on the scope of extra-curricular activities available in TI. I don’t want to be here anymore. I spent 6 years trapped in Indon and to have an additional 2 years (or more) in another Indon-like ‘facility’ really really sucks. Yes yes lecture me on world famine and the economic meltdown and Gaza… I’m sure my pain is plankton in comparison to their plight. But I’m me and since I’m important to myself I deem my frustrations chief. It’s been quite awhile since the last time I got worked up over the being-in-TI issue.

Truth is I’ve been having very very good Saturday nights lately. Been going out, watching movies, having long late night walks with happy hilarious conversations and the pleasure of holding hands. This holding hands (the sort where fingers are interlaced) bit is quite foreign to me. Linking arms I do alot but holding a person’s hand I want to hold back… let’s just say it doesn’t come by very often. Again I repeat, we’re not dating… we’re just good friends who go out and hold hands. Is that odd? Yeah well… when have I ever been typical?

So back to why I’m angry. I’m angry because being stuck in this crappy lil’ town limits me to monthly or at most bimonthly endorphin-generating moments. Don’t give me bullsh*t like “absence makes the heart grow fonder” or “when contact is limited you’ll appreciate them more”. Save the cheese puh-lease. It’s not enough to have only 1 – 2 happy moments per month. Not when work is so despondent and lifestyle is so uneventful.

I want more happy. Is that too much to ask for?

“You give me something…
That makes me scared alright”
… James Morrison, You Give Me Something …

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