Wednesday, May 28, 2008

worse than bad

What an overwhelming week!

For starters my skin is going to Crapsville. Serious *sigh* The last I had to seriously tend to it was back in 1st year med school when I was in Jatinangor, Indon. That was a long, long time ago and it’s really ‘cos of the untreated perigi water. There must be something in the TI (more accurately the TI hospital) air that just brews acne! There are 9 pimples on my chin. MY CHIN! You have not taken into account my forehead, my chubby cheeks… grrr. Anyway I’ve run out of ideas on how to control that garden of Eden and have turn to my old friend Roaccutane by Roche. It’s an Isoretinoin soft capsule that stinks like rotten eggs and totally blows on the kidneys. It thins the surface of the skin which will make for quite traumatic visits to the facialist and wax specialist. I suppose something that is oh-so-good one way would be oh-so-bad some other. It’s just the way life works. Nothing can be just good-period, you know? I’m putting myself on a 10mg EOD (Every Other Day) regime for approximately a month. After watching patients slip into renal failures I’m pretty hot and bothered to make sure I don’t end up in the same predicament. So I’ll definitely be off the medication once I see some clear skies.

Then there’s the long working hours. Been going home at 19:00 quite abit when really clock-out time is 17:00! No OT pay, minimal respect from some hospital staff and lack of gratitude from patients just makes me wanna pull my hair out of frustration. It makes going to work at 06:30 a little more difficult each morning. It can come to a point you don’t know why you wake up to the alarm and it can give you more and more excuses to slam on the snooze button. People on average have a 9-5 job = 8 hours with an hour lunch time. House officers do an average 12 hour job with almost no lunch time but we only get paid *cough* minimally *cough* for 8 hours. Sad or not? Makes you wonder whether it’s all really worth it. The 6 years choosing books over birthdays… *shrug*

A close friend is behaving oddly and I can’t help but be disappointed in his personality change. The fickleness and discount in principles are either his existing hidden attributes that I have failed to notice till now or he has been successfully drawn to the dark side. I really never thought he could be so immature into seeking constant approval from people we mutually disrespect. This was the tipping point-lah.

I could not sleep. Just felt so disturbed.

Msg-ed Miss CillaCilla at 04:00 to convey my hardly-warm thoughts. She’s on-call so it’s OK to wanna whine so early in the morning.

People keep dying. I know it’s a Medical thing ‘cos you hardly get deaths in other departments but man… just tired to keep watching people die. And having to tell the deceased’s family that this is so much we can do. It’s draining up my happy aura. I mean how do you tell a mother her daughter is dead? How can you put it in such a manner it’s acceptable? Plus my grossly handicapped Cantonese does not help! I watched a patient’s family sob in the hospital garden. The patient transferred in from Slim River, already comatose. She had previously been resuscitated and was on the ventilation machine. Suddenly she collapsed again! And this time cannot already… Ah Mi and our MO Dr Ah Fae thought the patient’s mother had understood her daughter had passed away and figured she took the news pretty well considering her fair composure. In actual fact she must have been confused ‘cos she didn’t really understand them. It was only later when I was called over to ensure that the patient’s mother understood that she finally started bawling. I also idiot-lah… I was racking my brain to find a polite way to say ‘died’ in Cantonese. I should have used “kor chor san”… instead I used “mm hai yee tou chor”. Memang I idiot-lah. Must practice that phrase in Mandarin and Hokkien too. Later I quietly watched the patient’s 4 children cry loudly from the ward window. The youngest child was 4 years old. Ah Mi joined me at the window. We watched them together in silence for awhile before going back to our ward work.

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