Tuesday, March 18, 2008

sigh XI

I ought to rest soon. I’m SO TIRED but I just feel I need to stay awake and try to do something so that my life isn’t just about working and sleeping.

Recently I’ve been weathered by lonely spells. It hasn’t been going so well at work. I feel the people here are all out to get themselves praised that they’ve brought the term ‘dog eat dog’ onto a whole new level. It’s frightening. I mean I would seriously expect all this crap should I have been posted in a big city hospital like HKL. I thought a small town like TI would embody that small town generosity I’ve always heard about. It is not true. It is so cut-throat here too. In that case I’d rather be in KL ‘cos then I can blame the city for being so mean. I cannot imagine the working environment here to be this vile. I don’t look forward to waking up in the morning. Every time I open my eyes to my phone alarm, my insides groan to face yet another hostile day.

Most days I don’t talk to anyone at all but myself. The seniors h.o-s find me to be a nuisance ‘cos I work so differently (Indon training) and very much slowly for their pace. I admit I’m no ace med student but it doesn’t mean I’m not willing to learn. I am.. just teach me! They already have their own clique which I totally understand… I’m not in such urgency to be their BFF or whatever anyway. And since my hours are so deadly I don’t get to see the people I know often. We almost don’t with the crazy on call schedules anyway. When I come home in the evenings and am just wayyy to tired to go find something to eat, I’d just open a cup noodle and eat in front of the tele. 2 days ago I cried into one of my cup noodles. Just felt really isolated. I didn’t think I’d have to go through this yet again. Wasn’t the torture in Indon enough? I feel like I’m living the life of that glove salesgirl in Shopgirl. I cannot comprehend the mechanics of which I sacrificed 6 years of my peak life only to be subsequently subjected to the lifestyle equivalent of a Bangladeshi illegal immigrant. Or at least the crappy life I had in Indon. This is not what I had in mind in terms of the life I was gonna live back home. I’m thoroughly disappointed I’m beyond words.

I’ve only been here a week but it already feels like a month! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

(msg)
Ah Haz: Hotstuff amoi, ready 2 start ur day?

I am still very fortunate. My support system is at least till now solid. My urban family has been so helpful. Also Ah Haz makes sure I’m sorted every morning, day and night. Ah Ry tickles my funny bone cuh-razy (he’s a closet trapeze artist, if that isn’t a valid reason to laugh to myself I don’t know what is *giggle*) and Ah Dra, well, he promises me hopes of good parties to come. Once in awhile Ah Sanj and Ah Seb would check to make sure I haven’t flung myself out of a window.

(msg)
Ah Haz:
I dkt nandos midvalley… Need anything?
moi: Hey!! I was JUST about 2 ask u if u jadi pergi midval!! U beat me 2 d chase.. Nandos I tak suka. I nak happy meal toy yg hello kitty dr mcd. I only hv d notebk.. Nak collect yg lain2 also.
Ah Haz: Wait ahh, I tgh order..
moi: Nak yg figurineeeee!!

Ah Haz quite layan me-lah. Just like the conversation above… it’s fun to just speak like I’m home and that I can really titip him to buy me my Happy Meal Hello Kitty toys. We have many of these make-believe conversations…

(msg)
Ah Haz:
Sori, I tgh semayang jumaat.. Don’t lah… Just 4 awhile.. nnt im sure u boleh tkr k.L… Don feel lonely, I’m sure its just 4 a few weeks then the lonely feelings will go away.. N don’t terjun bgnn bcoz ur bf will hav 2 go 2 T.I n tangkap u n surely I hv 2 go along coz u heavylah.. Kesian ur bf ;-p
moi: Woi! Who sd my bf nt strong enuf ah?? Dia kecik2 cili padi ok! Ada gene superman lagi.

And it super makes me laugh gila-gila when Ah Ry lets me add ridiculous things into his pretend CV like ex-ventriloquist or ‘Interest: fluoro orange spandex catsuit’. He also layan me :) I’m so happy to have these people in my life! They’re the spoonfuls of sugar that helps make the medicine go down.

Ah Dra called me up the other day from Tawau to check on things. I told him before I really didn’t need the whole “It’s gonna be OK” talk of which he understood. He told me he’ll skip the ‘be strong’ business and just go straight to ‘lowering my expectations’ of TI. Yah I guess-lah. But then again at least there is A club in Tawau. He’s super besto friendso with the DJ and club manager there now ‘cos he goes there almost every night. I can imagine why. Tawau’s equally as harsh as TI-leh.

(msg)
Ah Dra: Hey get a transfer to tawau… sure get one… really no houseman here
moi: !!

SO tired. Should sleep now.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

every misery will somehow come to an end... you will grow up along with all the experience u haf gone thru... all the best....2 years is a short time...

shelbybaby said...

anon: it's the end part that's taking too long. and 2 years can be a very-y ver-y long time when you're not having fun..

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