Sunday, July 08, 2007

the age-old question

I haven’t written properly in a month. I have no idea why. Mostly I feel really tired at the end of the day and there’s really no excuse for it ‘cos it’s not as if I’ve been doing manual labour like tarring highways or bloody chopping firewood. My duties in the hospital are fairly light in comparison to long-haul truck drivers or the Olympics gymnastics team. I think that all the accumulated fatigue and lethargy I’ve gathered throughout my internship the past year and a half has finally caught up with me and now it’s payback time! I cannot face the day now without at least 6 hours of sleep. 8 would be ideal and 10 – 12… heavenly!! It’s odd because I used to be able to get through the day on a staple 4-hour sleep routine. I finally understand I’m growing older and there’s really only so much I can do now. Sometimes you just can’t keep on pushing it, y’know? I hardly noticed the transition because sometimes I’m just so distracted with trivial sh*t that it only hits me now that I have slowly started progressing from problem-skin to anti-aging anti-wrinkle youth-promoting skincare. People think that being 26 isn’t exactly what you would call OLD in fact it’s an insult to say this to… those in their mid-30s or heck early 40s. I just think I’m old ‘cos I’m approaching the big 3 yet I haven’t exactly achieved anything in life. I don’t have anything to call my own. I possess nothing. Not even a relationship. I really can’t wait to graduate because at least I will have a degree which promises me a career. There will be something I can call my own. I’m not surprised Dddy actually lives for my graduation day. He’s adamant I have an education and a good one whilst at it because people can take away so many material things from you but they cannot deny your degree. It’s the one thing that sets you apart as a single entity. It’s yours and yours only.

These few days I’ve been planning out the itinerary of November, December and the next 5 years ahead in my mind. There are some people who are still unsure of where they want to go in life and I see them floating about giving this and that a try. I suppose if there’s one thing my choice in education has offered me is a pretty vivid path of how I wish to shape this thing called my career. A medical career is pretty regimented and stiff. Firstly there’s the housemanship period of a year and then we serve as a medical officer for 2 – 3 years… of which there are afew options to serve the government. We could either:
a) select an enlisted teaching hospital
b) join the army
c) join the police force
d) go into the teaching line
I have decided on choice (b). Chiefly ‘cos my father, a medical representative – worked really hard – got his big break in life and is now a business person in the pharmaceutical line, has always been a closet-army officer / doctor and I grew up with the love of wanting to medicate people and wearing uniforms so… I suppose, in perfect “whoah” sense, I decided to become the army doctor he always dreamed to be. I know that life is about living your own life and making your own decisions but it sure doesn’t hurt to make you parentals happy once in awhile. People give me such a hard time just because they feel it’s so outrageous that I’m living my life for someone else. In my defence, there’s also this thing called social responsibility.

(msn)moi: but who is to say what. we have to be able to finish what we started and be able to sacrifice and live up to expectationsSophiekins: yeah I heard dat sh*t so many times I hv a f*cking prepared speech for it
moi: if we're gonna have to sit through another do-sh*t-for-yourself session then ppl just don't know tat much. they know shi*t and they live for today.
moi: i will not let you be the grasshopper who sang all summer
moi: i kno u’ve heard all that sh*t
(before)moi: next time be frankSophiekins: I suppose theyr brought up in a diff waymoi: tell him you've heard all that sh*t beforeSophiekins: I dnt blame em, cos they dnt understand
moi: and you dont need to
moi: i tell ppl tat now

Sophiekins: the ones dat r wise tell me they dnt understand but they knw dats the way it is
Sophiekins: the ones dat r well, not, try to do the whole martyr thing n set me free or some sh*t
Sophiekins: I just let it go out the other ear n wish things werent as complicated as they were
moi: when they go why u join army. i say my father likes. then they say u do everytg ur father tells u. i say yes. then they start. and then i silence them by telling them just cos they're such insolent children who cant bother to try to make their parents happy doesn't mean they feel they have the need to teach me a thing or two bout life
moi: we are brought up differently and will continue to function differently in life. nobody has a say in anything in each other's perspectives
Sophiekins: yeah.

I’ve left Sartika Asih Hospital liao. We now begin a new department in Public Health of which we deal with the managerial side of medicine like health-promotion and data-analysis and all those other sh*t I hate. Never had a penchant for Public Health matters but it’s just something we all have to go through (with a *groan*). My primary health centre is this little hut about an hour and a half away from Bandung. It is in Tanjung Sari which is about a half hour car-ride beyond Pondok Maulana in Jatinangor where I used to stay. The place is automobile-friendly ‘till a point where we have to continue on foot for around 5 minutes ‘cos it gets too steep for the car. It’s OK-lah. I’ve heard of dreadful primary health centres which requires a 40-minutes ojek ride into some pedalaman kampung. I’m really one of the lucky ones. That place is pretty terpencil, there is no sight of a food-stall and the only photocopy machine in that vicinity is broken but at least we can still get there by car-lah. Work has been rather difficult especially since we’re literally poking our noses into the PHC’s business of where we’re not wanted. It’s been tricky trying to get financial / expenses data especially the amount awarded by the government subsidy. They probably think we’re undercover agents for the Health Ministry trying to score dirt when we’re really not. I’m sure that there will be some unaccountable funds that go into their pockets etc. It’s only natural. I mean Indon gitu-lho, who the heck doesn’t gelap duit here?? It really explains the cold shoulder and the “umms” and “errs” whenever we bring the subject of money up. I really don’t care if they’re bloody daylight robbers, it’s really none of my business. I just want sh*t so I can get the stupid report done so we can move on to the next department. Just give me something.. anything(!!) to work with, y’know??

Can’t wait for the sh*t to be over.

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