Friday, June 01, 2007

the ugly side of medicine

Didn’t I say friendship = dispensable??

I can’t be more RIGHT. So I failed the written paper and passed the oral / practical exam. Being one of the only few (few being 40 out of 180 interns) who have to resit the exam next week, I’m devastated to say the least. Everything just went wrong wrong wrong: I can’t go home, I have to resume studying, I have to go through yet another horrifying judicial session and it just sucks that people automatically think you’re stupid that you failed. I have no idea how I could have failed. I really felt I had things under control. Most of all, there are other morons who knows jack that got off scot-free. It’s just one of those typical things that happen to me. I know I’m SIAL and there’s really nothing much you can do to outwit, I dunno, fate?? Though I suppose this is yet another good lesson to teach me about the evils of those people you call friends. I found out post-exam that there was actually extra exam information circulating within little inner circles of interns. I was informed that there are people I know who, I THOUGHT are my friends, possess this information but did not release to us. It’s OK, it’s fine that they didn’t do that before. But why not now??

We should all acknowledge that HUMAN BEINGS ARE SELFISH. We are very kiasu and it applies the same to medical students. In fact, medical students are probably even more kiasu than any other students… the industry has molded us into manipulative, conniving, egocentric and all those yuck stuff type of people-lah.

So anyways now that I’ve failed (along with other good people of the world like Miss CillaCilla, Miss Twin-Ziah and Miss MuniMuni), it’s out-of-this-world to see people who you thought you love and loved you back turn their backs on you one by one. What really puzzles me is that they’ve already passed the exams yet they still refuse to release those extra sh*t they have to us the dying minority at the brink of failing the comprehensive exam. If I fail this resit, I have to wait an entire 3 months to retake it putting me in further jeopardy of having to face a qualifying exam back home.

I’m NOT an exam-taking MACHINE!!

I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. How people can not even have abit of that organ you call a heart to help us out? I don’t understand why is it everyone is avoiding my gaze and shutting their doors at my face at my requests. I don’t understand why they are pushing the blame on each other for not giving out the information. I don’t need them to put on some theatrical half-time gizmo for me… I just want the notes. I suppose, according to Miss Twin-Ziah and Miss MuniMuni, they are embarassed and are riding on the biggest guilt wave ever. That and they’re afraid we’d be mad at them. Now is no time to get petty, I would actually be oh-so-grateful that they are generous enough to want to help me out. Well the truth really sucks… people just aren’t bothered. That and they are just plain unkind. I’ve always known it but this is the worst I’ve known. This is the height of malicious.

And the way they tell you in front, that if I ever need anything they’d be there and all that honey-talk. OMG!! SERIOUSLY. Noone bothered to check on me except for the few chicks I hang out with, Ah TKL, Miss RemRem and Ah Fits. Nobody. Everyone just jetted home. What about the promises of helping me?? Words and lies. Don’t tell people you will help them out if helping them out means not doing anything at all. Don’t lie that you don’t have the information when really people have seen you reading it up before the exam.

We’ve all come so far with each other and I thought there should be some sense of camaraderie but really they’re just snakes. I’m so disappointed in society ‘cos I always always help as much as I can especially if I give people my word. I always try to make people happy. I make them laugh and buy them gifts on their birthdays. I console them when they’re down and offer whatever it is that I think could qualify as words-of-wisdom. What do I get in return? Hateful behaviour. OK. I’ve constantly told myself to never expect so much from people but this is way out of the league. This has come to the level of despicability. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I cannot believe all the while I actually have NO friends. Wow. So many revelations this week. Not good ones some more.

I’m so tired. As the 4 of us sat together for a group discussion today I watch everyone break down in front of me.

There are just too many hoops to jump through and too many beams to go over.

I know what they mean. I know what they are going through. They are questioning whether it is all worth it in the end because it sure doesn’t seem to work out that way. We have all made our sacrifices and yet it still boils down to this: more exams, more rules, more bloody crap to fulfil. I’ve put up with living in that kampung which didn’t even have a supermarket when I first came for FOUR YEARS. I ate McDonald’s only once a month if I’m lucky enough that a person I know was going to town. I wore baju kurung for weeks so that people wouldn’t think I’m ‘AMERICAN’ so that I don’t get myself killed. I’ve lived with no water and with water from the river. Rats and worms are part and parcel of dining out. Getting harassed by people on the street everyday. The town was better but not any different. I was still afraid to show I’m a Malaysian so that I don’t get conned for everything. Living with my head down and my nose facing the floor. Wearing a jacket in a 32 celcius heat so that I don’t show enough skin to be raped. Constantly being compared to local students on who could fare better like a show dog. Not muttering a word when residents take advantage of situations so as to not get into their bad books. Constantly having to butter the consultants. Not having a Friday night off for 6 years. Not having a Saturday as a weekend for 6 years. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE MONEY THAT IS GOING TO UNNECESSARY SH*T LIKE PUBLIC HEALTH CAMPAIGNS WHICH THEY KOREK FROM OUR OWN POCKET. This should be an issue reevaluated by the entire Indon Board of Education because they think what?? We are not their f*cking ATM machines so that the real money makes way into their own wallets rather than society. Play myself the level of a cleaner so that the nurse would feel superior and don’t make my life a living hell. Getting shoved around like slaves to new rules and regulations by the management. Never ever get our request heeded despite constantly asked for the evaluation of our system. Being forced into this stupid stupid magang aka free labour kampung programme. Constantly being evaluated FOR EVERYTHING I DO: be it the way I dress, the way I eat, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I want to wear my hair, my shoes, my smile, my skin, my EVERYTHING. And you’d think it’s ONLY just behavious and attitude that concerns them?? Do not be fooled. Medical studies in UNPAD is hard stuff. It really eats into your personality and leaves you wondering who the heck you are: just another medical clone from Indon.

I’m really, really tired. Just really, really tired of all this. I don’t even know who I am. Oh wait I do: just another medical clone from Indon.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...