Sunday, June 03, 2007

fighting with myself

"Cintaku t’lah diujung jalan...
Aku sangat mengenalmu
Aku juga cintai mu
Tapi kau tak pernah
Ada pengertian
Ku senang ku sedih
Kau tak mau tau...”
... Agnes Monica, Cinta Diujung Jalan ...

There will come a time in every (OK perhaps not ever but many.. too many) medical student where he / she will question life and its purpose. The time when enough suddenly seems enough and the largest scale of war rages: the battle between one’s self. The carefree, frivolous, sad to say the happy part of you starts wilting… pleading for the general in you to stop soldiering on and take time off to heal. I commiserate with the ‘playful me’… nailed in that wooden box for what has seem like a century. It must be so painful with all the testing of faith and sacrifices it has to endure in order for the supposed ‘order in life’ to be sustained. Yet I too understand the ‘warrior me’ and the actions it has to take in order for there to be this thing called a f.u.t.u.r.e. The ‘warrior’ is uncompromising, heeds to regulations, obey commands, safe, understands and delivers what is expected of it. The ‘playful’ is fun, spontaneous, hippie, takes risks and loves it, enjoys the learning process of a new skill / talent as well as embraces life with a passion. 6 years may not be that long of a time if you really wanna count but it feels like a hundred decades since ‘playful me’ came out to have some sun. It has been a hard life and despite numerous heated arguments, ‘warrior me’ always wins or maybe it could be just that ‘playful me’ is just much more relenting. Now that the ying and yang is imbalance I’m feeling the repercussion of my suppressed personality.

Conventional thoughts like: “what am I doing here? Is this what I really want in life? Do I really want to be a doctor? Is this going to be like this forever? Can I cope? I think I’m going crazy.” start to fume up my mind to the point of intoxication. Every person deals with the magnitudes of stress in their own way. A boy I know took a dustbin and put it over his head. My colleague started to form a mini zoo in his home. Another boy I read of took long bus rides from one end of Singapore to another day after day after day. A girl in my dorm, like me, wakes up in the middle of the night to cry. Some use sex as a tool of release. That girl in Grey’s Anatomy bakes muffins. Some use food (me included) to mute the pain even if just for awhile. Most of us trudge on while afew of us don’t. When I was in my first year, a friend told me that her boyfriend’s colleague in their last year suddenly made a hasty decision to quit medical school. It was only 6 months down the road to an M.B.B.S but he just couldn’t take a day longer. ‘Warrior him’ must have malfunctioned. Either that or ‘playful him’ dug himself out of captivity. I sometimes get afraid this could happen to me. I used to think the guy was siao ‘cos nobody quits freakin’ medical school in their last year!! What a waste right?? Now I just nod in acknowledgement. I swear there are moments when I just feel like stopping and just sitting in front of the hoop, unwilling to go through yet another. Because beyond this one there is bound to be another. How many anothers does it take till it all ends?? The thing about medicine is that there is no end. In unison now: MEDICINE IS A LIFELONG LEARNING PROCESS. Bad bad sh*t has not happen yet ‘cos ‘warrior me’ still has abit of green bar left. And even though the cries and heartbreaking pleas of ‘playful me’ is absolutely pitiful but it ain’t over ‘till it’s over y’know. If I let ‘playful me’ loose there will just too much mess to clean up. It’s OK not to have a life I suppose, at least I know that the broom gets to stay in the cupboard just a little longer. Well ‘fortunately’ warrior is still in the zone so I shall resume my efforts as I always do.

Fatigue from fighting...

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