Thursday, May 10, 2007

worst day of the

Things are not going well. I’ve resorted to sending undelivered msgs to Ah Choy’s number in Maldives ‘cos I don’t know who else to talk to. That is a lie. I really don’t want to talk to ANYONE about it yet I need to talk about it. I despise hearing those condescending “It’s only afew months, it’ll pass by quickly in a blink of an eye” and all those other bullsh*t in between. What the f*ck does anyone even know about afew damn months?? Nothing. What do they really know when they think everything is going to be OK?? Nothing. People’s ignorance of others’ misery just drives me up the wall sometimes. Everyone is in the foulest of mood given the fact it is only a couple of weeks countdown to MAGANG / FINAL SEMESTER INTERNSHIP / BACK-TO-HELLHOLE especially me. I failed my Internal med Long Case (Modified Mini-CEX) exam. In an effort to defend myself I did get the killer Professor examiner, a somewhat uncooperative patient and a useless exam babysitter. Given the fact I have not had Bed-Site Teaching training and my natural predisposition to plain stupidity I was not surprised as to how the results turned out. But now comes the ultimate hoedown: the dreaded oral SOCA exam is due next week and I’ve got to complete my Forensics Visum Hidup as well as make sure I get all academic shindigs dealt with before the judicial date end of the month. Now I’m terribly worried I cannot whip it all in time for a short break home.

I CAN’T NOT go home for a holiday. I can’t. Home is the only and I do mean the ONLY SOURCE of happiness that could ensure the sanity lasts until the end of the year. I need this. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the nights crying and feeling absolutely desolated. I can feel it creeping back into my system. It being minor depression. We all know I cannot go back there. It was hard enough crawling out of that black hole so I cannot subject myself to another laborious task of making myself happy again. It’s just too arduous. I really think the management are real damn b*tches. How is it possible that medical students all over the world can afford summer holidays while we scrape through a meagre week 4 times a year AMOUNTING TO A TOTAL OF a month’s holiday per year?? I mean we don’t even get paid doing all the f*cking menial sh*t we do as interns yet our leave is an equivalent to a clerk starting out. That of which sometimes they squeeze in workshops between those ch*ba* so-called holiday breaks leaving us with absolutely no time to kick it back and just settle for abit. This is the part of medical studies I really really hate. This is the part of medical studies that makes me go and buy myself a Lulu Guinness clutch.

I have not been studying as hard as I should. I call it: couldn’t be bloody bothered *rolls eyes*. I’ve been watching so much TV and sleeping ‘till an hour past punch-in time and shirking off polyclinic duties. Miss MuMu came up to me yesterday and placed her hands on my shoulder. She gave me a squeeze and asked me where did the old Shelbysweets go? The crazy moron who sleeps 3 hours a day, memorized all the layers of the cornea and read 4 versions of textbooks before discussion. The imbecile who loved jaga / on-call and just woke up with a smile thanking the heavens she was an intern. She died and went straight to academic hell liao. Now in her place is me. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Most of all I do not understand the purpose of magang and this underlies my hateful disposition. I just wanna get the magang sh*t over and done with so I can go home. 6 years in medical school is more than enough. People do not understand how much it sucks to be a medical student. And if I knew that UNPAD was to make me a freaking guinea-pig for their new revolutionary program I would have taken a year off and joined UGM in Yogyakarta or UDAYANA in Bali the year after instead. I could have taken up surfing as a hobby. Now it’s back to the whole kampung sh*t-ass life I detested before.

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