Saturday, May 26, 2007

queen beeatch quote of the day: friendship = dispensable

Yesterday I had a fall out with a friend. It all started when…

(I’ll call her Miss Horrors because the thought of her sends me into my Miss Leong, ex-tuition teacher, mode when I don’t do my homework and she goes “HORRORS OF HORRORS!!” Pretty hilarious really but that’s outside the context of this entry)
Miss Horrors: blaming me for all the hatred taht you guys have so much.
moi: where got blame u
moi: ya ampun. get a grip


It’s this part where things started to get insane. Maybe she, too, didn’t have enough work to do thus sprung Saturn-Jupiter-Mars-like ideas that we all “hate” each other because of her. Which is why I told her to get a grip ‘cos that’s just so irrelevant. Man, someone put a little cuh-razy powder in the protein shake today.
Miss Horrors: when the mess (happened)... i was to blame
moi: i where got blame u
moi: did i blame u??
moi: think properly
moi: did i blame u??
moi: i may have asked u if u got
(involved)
moi: but i didnt accuse u for whatever mess u talking about

This is when I corrected her. People simply mustn’t make mountains out of molehills. And when making accusations, do pause to think properly if IT ACTUALLY DID TAKE PLACE ‘cos nothing worse than a freakin’ fraud y’know?? I mean this is why Mahsuri, like, got incarcerated… OK-lah not really but they parang-ed her properly to a tree or something. All because of false accusations. Bad bad. And I totally smelt her self-victimization through my pristine Vaio screen. OMG where’s her whole positive-thinking now?? Charades I’m telling you charades!!

Miss Horrors: i may be loud... but i have always kept things in confidence -- aka sensitive towards otehrs -- which u have repeatedly accused me of lacking it.
moi: i'm pointing it out. i'm not victimising u. i'm making sure tat u r not blinded by your own perspective
Miss Horrors: how is that my perspective, what do i get in return?
Miss Horrors: nothing, just so u know.


I didn’t really get the how is it her perspective and the nothing she gets in return thing. Most of the time we have a language breakdown despite the fact we’re both conversing in English. Funny how that happens. I know many a time I don’t get what she says-lah. Just like the perspective-nothing-in-return bonanza *shrug*

moi: cos u are like that. u dont notice it. but u are and this trait never left u and will never leave you. its not bad thing or good thing or anything. its just how u are.

Can’t she see I’m simply laying it out as a remark. It’s not like I’m screaming “OMG WHY YOU SO LIKE THAT HUH?? WHY YOU SO LIKE THAT??” Merely an observation, simple statement, description of my interpretation. We all have our personal qualities which makes each and everyone of us differ from the other. I believe that the judgement of such individuality lies mainly in the delivery… if you’re protective of yourself but hurt noone you’re self-centred good. If you’re protective of yourself but hurt others or seem like you’re hurting others then I suppose you’re self-centred bad. I didn’t call her self-centred even. She came upon this conclusion herself and ASSUMED I said so. WTF. People should really read carefully ‘cos it’s radioactive hazardous if they don’t. I mean, goodness gracious sweet mother of Doolittle.. look below!!

Miss Horrors: that im self-centered?

Get my point?

moi: tat u think only ur way is right and refuse to accept alternativesMiss Horrors: hmmmm....
Miss Horrors: tahts new!
moi: u've been like this since last time and i dont really bother cos i used to itMiss Horrors: and you are one to atlk!

This is when she puts on her vicious. This is when she becomes just plain mean to me.

moi: i am stubborn. i dont deny. everyone knows it and everyone has lived with it
Miss Horrors: and selfish.
Miss Horrors: and demanding.
Miss Horrors: and no regard for otehrs.

When I tackled the subject with her, did I call her names?? No, I didn’t. Thank goodness I’m classier than that. At most I called her “pushy for her own good” which falls far from the tree in comparison to the nasties like “selfish, demanding, no-regard-for-others”. I would have whipped my artillery and returned fire but ayia what’s the point? Better to have 1 person hurt than 2 people-lah. See I can be a peace-loving creature what.

moi: u may think all this is hurting me but its not cos i already know it and accept it
moi: and everyone also know it and they've grown accustom to it

Miss Horrors: maybe i'll like to consider that.
Miss Horrors: you cost more pain then you do good to me

moi: i'm sorry to hear that
Miss Horrors: and i have no intention to hurt u as u to me
Miss Horrors: here's anotehr history u could relate to
Miss Horrors: so another one less to be sensitive about


I call her “pushy for her own good” and “not thinking about what other people might want” and she calls me a murderer. WTF?? This type of drama I don’t need. This self-pity crap, OMG please *taking a breather*, so passé. Maybe she was looking for an outlet to feel sorry for herself so fine-lah give it to her-lah. Give the dog a bone-lah.
moi: i dont intend to hurt u as u think
moi: i wont explain myself either
Miss Horrors: i've taken far too much of your crap.
*frowns* Well SO HAVE I. I’ve taken far too much of her crap too. Touche!!

moi: ppl never know how to look at bigger picture. so u can go ahead and think of me this way. its sad tat u think negatively of my intention but we cannot control wat others think
moi: u want ppl to tell u only good things and sweet things.

Miss Horrors: and its not enchansing my life.
Miss Horrors: i just choose look at the good side of people and not the negative that all... and taht seem to be wrong/so wrong from where u come from


This is the part where she does a save: y’know-lah meagre attempt to bring the situation into her favour. Babydoll, not workin’.

moi: do understand that this conversation changes our friendship forever
Miss Horrors: and i am to look outside the picture? its ironic raelly it is.moi: now i know what to say when it's to you
Miss Horrors: whatever lah.
Miss Horrors: i lost my strenght in being postive.
Miss Horrors: because it seem to be selfish for my own good.
Miss Horrors: and that hurts to the brim.


Blablabla other nonsense…

Miss Horrors: but u dont see me as me.
Miss Horrors: u choose to see whatever u wnat to see.
Miss Horrors: like u almost want to break me.
moi: g*dd u make me sound like i victimize u properly. please deh. everyone has a way of handling things. i'm just telling u tat that so-and-so way is how u handle things as an outsider point of view
moi: cannot handle it then just block tat info from ur brain. just like how u think i am mean to you i dont believe it so i block it out


Like the ultimate theatrical genius Jack McFarland of the Will + Grace family would intelligently say: Quote “Constructive criticism. It’s in. I’m assessing it. I’m not hearing it. It’s gone” Unquote.

Blablabla after even more rubbish, finally…

Miss Horrors: i have no intention for u to change -- its your life so its raelly up to you -- but one thing i know is u have no reagrd for me or thsi friendship

Look-lah at all the blimin’ drama she’s employing. Ayo that’s one pretty powerful thing a person could accuse me of: no regard for the friendship. Konon. Maybe she fails to realize that for all the years when people shunned (aka turned their backs on her aka not invite her to events AKA kept her out of light of things) her ‘cos they couldn’t stand to be a freaking millimetre near her I stood there: being her friend. When they b*tched about her constantly (all the while acting pleasant in front of her) I turned deaf momentarily and shrugged: being her friend. When she almost gave up what-was-the-best-career-move-she-could-have, I made sure she didn’t succumb to the jitters and ruined her CV for life. When NOBODY BOTHERED TO TURN UP TO HER EVENTS AND MADE PATHETIC EXCUSES, I came: being her friend. Or so I thought. I must have such a primitive notion of what friendship is, non? Maybe being a friend is actually being sugar spice all nice in front of you while sliding a Japanese samurai sword down your vertebrae. This is such a revelation!! I totally get it now!! Must remember: to conserve friendship do the 2-face manoeuvre. So desu ne. Frankly I’m surprised at how quickly human beings can turn on another. Friendship is so overrated and most definitely disposable-lah these days. I’m sure a lot of ketua gangster will agree with me that loyalty nowadays is just a word. It hasn’t got the value it did before. Of course she’s snobbish now-lah. What is my friendship worth now that she has her other friends who decided to “friend” her again? In my book it’s called kacang lupakan kulit. In folklore it’s called Si Tanggang.

moi: i'm sorry u feel this way becos all i've done till now is protect you
moi: fiercely
moi: and everything about you
moi: this is tragic to know
moi: tat u feel this way about me. maybe one day u will realize that u were not right in this matter.
moi: and since this is so i also feel no mood to, i dunno, be friendly then
Miss Horrors: protect me fiercely from what? that im bad perosn actually?

Wh..?? Someone needs to go for, I dunno, Lit class or something. I mean, did I not make myself crystal clear? Bizarre.

moi: protect u fiercely from bad things
moi: its just English
moi: i cannot believe we're back in the same circle as before
moi: i dunno wat else to say. maybe we ought to take a break from each other. since u think my friendship so toxic then i think better this way




And that raps up our 90210 lesson of the day. What a, like, Renong! I will know better than to invest in this company (pun not intended) again. Seriously.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

ugg australia is *bisou* worthy

I'm dying to get my hands on a classic mini uggs in chocolate. I can't seem to be able to purchase them online. Man I'm so desperate for them that I might just jet myself to Sydney to get them cheap-cheap. I don't care if they're so last last season. I like 'em!! It's the bohemian in me-lah, can't seem to shrug it off.



P.S, disclaimer: image courtesy of Ugg Australia

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

now i understand vintage

I never understood why people wore vintage. I mean I knew they wear it 'cos it's HIP, URBAN and it's the only place you can get stuff which are sorta, like, one-of-a-kind. But I really like wearing new sh*t. That is 'till my life took a 360 degree change. Look at this dress!!




I don't care what people think of Lindsay Lohan. Because I don't. All I know she is one spicy hot chica!! She HOT siut!! By golly she sure gives this rainbow dress the ultimate killer combination it needs.


THIS NUMBER IS SO ME. IT'S THE PONCY-PONCY DRESS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE. I'D TRADE MY SHOTGLASS COLLECTION FOR THIS.


Meet the mad scientist behind this heavenly creation: Herve L Leroux aka Herve Leger. I HEART YOU Monsieur Leger or Leroux or whatever. Please make me a dress like that. I promise I'll drop 4 stones just so I'd look Lohan-ly.


P.S, disclaimer: images courtesy of Celebrity Crunch, Herve Leger

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

parental quips

On the way home, we see this massive traffic-jam heading towards The Curve...

moi: Wahh nowadays damn a lot of people wanna masuk Mutiara Damansara.
Dddy: Yah The Curve’s foodshops doing very well-lah. Now during the weekends, with the flea market the crowd is even bigger.
Mmmy: What market?
Dddy: Flea market.
Mmmy: Free market?
Dddy: Flea market.
Mmmy: Ohh you mean thieves market.
moi: XD



On the way to go pick Mmmy up from work as we were driving down the toll towards Bandar Sunway, we saw a bundled-up carpet wrapped in strings lying between the border of the 2nd and 3rd lane. Probably it fell off some lorry angkut-ing those stage items whacamachalit. Suddenly this Dddy picked his mobile up and dialled some number.

Dddy: Hello … toll.
Dddy: I want to report at number 7.10 (if you notice there’s a certain decimal number signs at certain points of highway, the signs are posted on road dividers) towards Bandar Sunway toll ada karpet jatuh kat highway.moi:
Dddy: Yah ada barang jatuh, dia macam karpet-lah besar. Semua kereta cuba avoid dia. Nanti ada accident-lah. Tolong suruh orang pergi handle ok. Terima kasih. *hangs mobile*
moi: You always do that right?
Dddy: Do what?
moi: Call the toll-lah.
Dddy: Yah.
moi: What for?Dddy: ‘Cos got that thing can cause accident mah. Dangerous you know highway got thing in the middle of the road. If people go fast cannot avoid then susah.
moi: I know but you don’t have to, like, call them.Dddy: Then who will call??moi: I dunno, people-lah.
Dddy: I’m people-lah!moi: ...
moi: They should honor you with some award y’know: Model Highway Toll User of The Year. I bet you’re the only fella who calls them up to report this and that.

Dddy: You’d be surprised at the funny things that falls onto highways.moi: Oh yah?? Like what??
Dddy: Usually helmet-lah. That one most dangerous ‘cos it can roll here roll there. Then one time got afew of giant Styrofoam blocks; must be come from lorry that handles packing. Sometimes got cupboard, mirror… many funny things-lah.
moi: What’s the funniest?Dddy: Door.moi: Door?
Dddy: Yah door. Even the operator ask, “Pintu?” Then I said, “Pintu-lah. Pintu Pintu.” Operator: "Pintu apa?” Then I answer:”Tak-tau-lah pintu apa, boleh jadi dia pintu bilik, pintu toilet, pintu office.. mana I tau dia pintu apa. Pokoknya dia pintu-lah”moi: XD

My parentals. They’re really some work of art-lah.

warehouse spring / summer '07 is *bisou* worthy

L-R: Bali border print bandeau, pink border ombre print camisole, yoke border print tunic, Bali border print dress, bright floral bandeau dress, dandelion print dress, stripy babydoll dress

P.S: bought the bright floral bandeau dress. ME LIKES!!

a crabby event

This one random-lah: I just realized upon me taking this picture and upon him driving out the porch that he was taking the Black-Tie dinner way too literal. He should have been wearing a tux instead. Alamak!!

It's OK I'll console myself with one of my favourite snack of all time: Japanese caramelized mini-crabs / babycrabs / little ones crabs. Mmmy bought them while on company trip to Tokyo & Osaka. I used to buy them in small packs in Jusco but they're, like, super expensive. I love to crunch the mini nippers between my teeth and pretend I'm that Jack & the Beanstalk giant. Fee Fi Fo Fum!!


Almost finish liao. Nip!!


Like I said, Fee Fi Fo Fumm.. I smell the sugar of a Japanese crab. Be it alive or be it dead, I'll spread the bones to make my bread!!

Last call.

Monday, May 21, 2007

old bday pics

Parentals got me this. Thank you Sophiekins for being so efficient with time and reserving the LAST black mace keyring unit at the Manchester outlet. I HEART Giles!!





I know-lah not really counted 'cos she gave me a budget and I selected my gifts myself but I love them!! The ring houses a red gloss so I needn't worry 'bout lippy when I go clubbing as long as I slip this onto my finger :)



Actually she gave me a cute purse filled with moolah 'cos she knows I'm a picky gift-getter which I hate to admit I am. So now I got myself a nice pretty present and I super-duper LOVE it *giggles*



So afew days post birthday and afew days into pre-exam fright, my darling babydolls of friends came toodling over with a cheese fruitcake from Cizz & Friends. Cizz is this great cheesecake shop in Jalan Laswi, Bandung that houses like a multi-racial range of cheesecake.


I had leftover skinny candles. Doesn't it look so CUTE with a capital Q!!


Making wishy-wish-wash...


And potong cake...

Wahoo!! I'm liking this year a little more now :)


Sunday, May 20, 2007

sophiekins cheer!


The JMU JETS Western Classics Competition in New Port, Wales. She's the ebony-haired asian on the right. And she a flyer too. Shelbulous!!

miss lottelotte does the king of fruit


1 Dutch chick. 2 Malaysian friends. 1 durian. 1 upset stomach. 2 happy girls.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

boy i need a holiday

Summer 2001. 2 Egyptian sisters living in Cyprus. 1 Indian + 1 Hongkie + 1 Goan and last but not least 1 Malaysian came to do island things. Man it's been freaking 6 years since I sat out on a beach. This is indeed very tragic.


L-R: Miss ChuaChua, Miss RiamRiam, Miss RaoRao, C'EST MOI, (what was I thinking with that hair??), Miss AniaAnia and fruit platter. I think the watermelon 'cake' is so endearing.



First stop is the Kykkos monastery. 'Twas a steaming 3 hour taxi-ride to this terpencil place so by the time we arrived I was knackered and somewhat tu-lan already. According to Lonely Planet Cyprus, this is the richest and most famous Cypriot religious institution. It was founded by a hermit called Isaiah who lived in a cave near the monastery site in the 11th century (lama siut). One fine day, got one Byzantine administrator: Manouil Voutomytis came along and their paths crossed. Isaiah having the schizoid personality that he has didn't give a flying f*ck who the fella was. Going unacknowledged was not an option for Manoil and so he gave Isaiah a big dollop of beating. Later Manouil suffered from an uncurable illness in Lefkosia and remembered his bad-doing. Ayia standard-lah bad people sure regret one, want to die already mah. During which, God appeared to Isaiah and instructed him to get a figure of Virgin Mary from Constantinople. The daughter of the emperor developed the same illness as Manouil was cured after Isaiah's divine intervention. And so the iconic Virgin Mary constitutes the raison d'etre for Kykkos Monastery and is kept for over 4 centuries in a silver encasing. Eh the gold that you see on the wall is real gold. Nak je I cubit some to be melt into a holy necklace. Hehe.
2 km beyond the monastery is the tomb of ArchbishopMakarios III guarded by afew soldiers. You can tie cloths at the hedges for good luck and holy blessing. I asked for a boyfriend. That didn't happen.

Protaras is a beach resort geared exclusively to family-friendly hotels. The crowd is more subdued and less youthful. Makes a good place for basking in the sun. Since the nightlife is somewhat lame, you can spend the evenings strolling the abundant souvenir shops or sipping heavy cocktails by the pub.

In the daytime however, everyone should totally hop onto a banana boat. I found it rather scary. Maybe it's 'cos I was at the edge of the fruit and the tail is where it gets hit the hardest kut.

Then there's also the rings. Big giant doughnut inflatables that bounce of the surface of the water.

Yes-lah. Fun-lah.




Meze is a traditional meal at mezedes consisting of 20 different small dishes: dips and salad, mixed / vegetarian dishes, meat and fruit.. Finish off with fruit aperitifs.
P.S, disclaimer: Information courtesy of Lonely Planet Cyprus, 2000.

boy i need a holiday (cont.I)

Before we left Protaras, we took a brief 1-day boat-ride / mini-cruise. They took us into the waters and showed us places that used to be a holiday wonderland (they have sand the shade of snow) now made redundant by Turkish borders. A little sad innit?

Everyone should para-glide once in their life if they haven't already. Although up there I got a little sick and turned my head to the left and let it all out. Some unlucky folk down there must have though,"It's raining puke!!"

Ayianapa / Agianapa is not super picturesque but it's filled with party people and happy times. All the action happens in Ayianapa (the supposed next Ibiza) so this woot woot destination should never be left out.

You can do everything from amusement parks to bungee-jumps to killer roller-coasters to eating out to getting sloshed in the pub to club-hopping to beach parties to foam parties (highly endorsed by moi!!) to just people watching by the steps.

Don't forget to makan their mousaka which is a pot of cheesy, creamy, Cypriot version of the shepherd's pie. VERY VERY YUMMM. Enough to give you an unstable angina right there and then.

On the way to Paphos we were fortunate to be using the jalur that gave us this surreal view of Aphrodite's Rock. Legend has it that she emerged from the sea at this point in a surge of sea foam.

Paphos / Pafos is my favourite part of Cyprus. It is delightful and breezy housing stunning archaelogical gems such as Roman mosaics, Agia Solomoni & Christian Catacomb, Hrysopolitissa Church & St Paul's Pillar, Fort of Paphos and the Tomb of the Kings.


Wah Chinese resto in Cyprus!! We're everywhere :o
P.S, disclaimer: information courtesy of Lonely Planet Cyprus, 2000

boy i need a holiday (cont II)

This is also the hottest part of Cyprus. It was dry and hot and we were severely dehydrated. I enjoyed watching myself do shadow shows while everyone just looked at me in dismay. Big fun!



This is the most popular attraction especially since it's a WHO World Heritage site. The necropolis has 7 discovered tombs with Egyptian influences. I really loike this place, it's so musty but absolutely mysterious. I think the spookiness of the place really made me gravitate towards it.

Where the sea meets the sky.




Ivan basking in the sun.
P.S, disclaimer: Information courtesy of Lonely Planet Cyprus, 2000

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

relief

*phew*

Just when I thought my life was crumbling before me, it builds itself right up. I don’t know whether to laugh or shake my head at such fortune.

The other day I sent Mmmy a msg to pray for me that Tuberculosis (+ hemoptysis) comes out for SOCA oral exam ‘cos I’ve been having a real sh*t-ass sial time with luck. I was whining over my crap de la crap doom to Miss RusRus ‘cos seriously nobody could get any more unfortunate given the fact that I had not had a turn at Bed-Site Teaching and was posted the first person on the first day of the 3-weeks Long Case (Modified Mini-CEX). That plus I got PIS (that dreaded Professor) who almost never passes anyone. Waduh!! I mean you hear all the stories of exam babysitters (usually chief residents) passing notes to examined interns when they stumble during Q&A with the examiners or people just having plain nice examiners who cut them slack when they can’t measure jugular-venous pressure precisely or scoring nurses / hospital staff as patients or even having EXTRA TIME to practice. I had neither nor. I can’t complain too much, I was bebal too so… Anyway back to the initial sentence: the old lady replies telling me that her entire office staff and her pray for my well-being throughout the exam. Aiya. I specifically told her to pray for TB to keluar and she goes and prays for the wellness of my exam. It’s different-lah. And so of course TB tak keluar during the exam, instead it was Community-Acquired Pneumonia. Terkejut badak all of us!! I was SO SO SO SO SO sure that TB was gonna be the SOCA question-lah after fervent analysis and so-called brilliant speculation (I know now cannot be a trader for nuts). So were Ah Irs and Miss MeeMee. We were so f*cking sure ‘twas gonna be TB, we could feel it in our bones. Aiya our bones blimmin’ osteoporotic-lah!! It was a 2-day exam and I was due the second day (finally things are looking up a little ‘cos I wouldn’t want to be examined on the first day again given previous circumstances). The first day the topic was Nephrotic Syndrome and although I had spotted this question, I really never expected it to really really come out. It did. Some people thrived and some people crashed and burned. It’s a difficult topic-lah. Ah Irs and I were thanking the high heavens we were scheduled for exams the next day. We knew that the second day would most likely be a pulmonary question but never could we have thought it to be Pneumonia. Ah Irs was up first which was seriously tumben as the prior day all Malaysian / KPBI (ECGM) students were up first. But he smarty-pants so never mind. Me different. Thank all that is good in the world I was not up first. In the end I was last de la last which was excellent ‘cos it gave me ample time to study whatever I could of the hepatisation process as well as bumble through the PORT criterias. If I had been the first person I seriously would have been fried to crisps. I knew nuts ‘bout Pneumonia ‘cos I was too busy fussing about DOTS and WHO antibiotic therapy. And just as I was scrawling my answers down, the Internal Medicine secretary came over to me and asked me who my previous examiner was. Upon hearing so, she quickly switched my examination room from 2 to 4… in the end I found out the examiners in room 2 were less nice people than the ones in room 4. I think I scored-lah. I think-lah that is. When the examination was over, I smiled inside ‘cos in the end Mmmy + office folks, Miss RemRem, Miss RusRus and Miss VakiVaki’s prayers were not in vain. G*d / Buddha / other fellow entities of high power really took time to listen to my pending pleas. Also my Visum Hidup is suddenly settled and if I get through Judicial later today all I need to do is jump onto a plane home tomorrow. The thought of it sends shivers of glee down my spine.

And today’s my last Internal Med jaga!! And it only lasted 5 hours!! Super happy ‘bout that too.

It’s so weird how everything can suddenly *snap* and take a sharp turn for the better. Des’ree says it best: “Life, oh life… oh life… oh life… tudututu”

Friday, May 11, 2007

anti-otc

When me goes cuckoo, me…

  • Takes 15-minute angkot rides to Istana Plaza to buy ridiculously priced Rotiboy (which I never buy back home) in the rain.
  • Makes checklists of people and respective countries I owe a visit to: Miss VeiraVeira in Chicago, Miss FooFoo in Sydney, Miss NingNing in Beijing, Miss RaoRao in Bangalore etc
  • Wakes up in the middle of the night to cry.
  • Wakes up in the middle of the night and decide I really really wanna go to Brazil (to buy Amazonian fruit necklaces).
  • Buys a lot of overtaxed imported fashion magazines: VogueUK, VogueUSA, ElleUK, ElleUSA etc.
  • Eats a lot of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, cream cheese, pesto and McDonald’s fried chicken.
  • Listens to the Mandarin chart songs.
  • Talks to my fridge (of my war with the world).
  • Starts moisturizing my cuticles (with Jessica Phenomen oil).
  • Msgs Dddy telling him that I REALLY REALLY NEED LIPOSUCTION as a graduation gift.
  • Drinks a lot of chocolate milk.
  • Breast-strokes on my bed.
  • Wakes up and decide I will not go to work (but end up going anyway… g*ddd I’m such a pathetic weakling).
  • Watches a lot of cable TV, mainly MTV, Fashion TV and Travel and Living.
  • Listens to River Maya’s ‘We’ll be safe here’ on repeat.
  • Goes shopping for baby booties.
  • Buys ceramic tiles for my future(??) bathroom.
  • Puffs Marlboro Lights.
  • Drinks a bottle of red on Saturday nights while watching Grey’s Anatomy.
  • Nibbles on my fingernails (and if that’s gone, the skin peripheral to the nails).
  • Plans my wedding guest list.
  • Sends undelivered msgs to my best friend (because the last thing I need is a condescending reply, also it’s an ingenius way for me to release some of that despair without ever having anyone to hear about it).
  • Photoshops pictures.
  • Trades studying with Will & Grace reruns.
  • Buys Japanese mini non-stick woks, French cartoon bowls and English bone china teacups.
  • Crashes white ceramic plates to the floor in my mind.

“And I don’t know where to look. My words just break and melt. Please just save me from this darkness. Please just save me from this darkness.”
… Snow Patrol, Make This Go On Forever …

Thursday, May 10, 2007

worst day of the

Things are not going well. I’ve resorted to sending undelivered msgs to Ah Choy’s number in Maldives ‘cos I don’t know who else to talk to. That is a lie. I really don’t want to talk to ANYONE about it yet I need to talk about it. I despise hearing those condescending “It’s only afew months, it’ll pass by quickly in a blink of an eye” and all those other bullsh*t in between. What the f*ck does anyone even know about afew damn months?? Nothing. What do they really know when they think everything is going to be OK?? Nothing. People’s ignorance of others’ misery just drives me up the wall sometimes. Everyone is in the foulest of mood given the fact it is only a couple of weeks countdown to MAGANG / FINAL SEMESTER INTERNSHIP / BACK-TO-HELLHOLE especially me. I failed my Internal med Long Case (Modified Mini-CEX) exam. In an effort to defend myself I did get the killer Professor examiner, a somewhat uncooperative patient and a useless exam babysitter. Given the fact I have not had Bed-Site Teaching training and my natural predisposition to plain stupidity I was not surprised as to how the results turned out. But now comes the ultimate hoedown: the dreaded oral SOCA exam is due next week and I’ve got to complete my Forensics Visum Hidup as well as make sure I get all academic shindigs dealt with before the judicial date end of the month. Now I’m terribly worried I cannot whip it all in time for a short break home.

I CAN’T NOT go home for a holiday. I can’t. Home is the only and I do mean the ONLY SOURCE of happiness that could ensure the sanity lasts until the end of the year. I need this. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the nights crying and feeling absolutely desolated. I can feel it creeping back into my system. It being minor depression. We all know I cannot go back there. It was hard enough crawling out of that black hole so I cannot subject myself to another laborious task of making myself happy again. It’s just too arduous. I really think the management are real damn b*tches. How is it possible that medical students all over the world can afford summer holidays while we scrape through a meagre week 4 times a year AMOUNTING TO A TOTAL OF a month’s holiday per year?? I mean we don’t even get paid doing all the f*cking menial sh*t we do as interns yet our leave is an equivalent to a clerk starting out. That of which sometimes they squeeze in workshops between those ch*ba* so-called holiday breaks leaving us with absolutely no time to kick it back and just settle for abit. This is the part of medical studies I really really hate. This is the part of medical studies that makes me go and buy myself a Lulu Guinness clutch.

I have not been studying as hard as I should. I call it: couldn’t be bloody bothered *rolls eyes*. I’ve been watching so much TV and sleeping ‘till an hour past punch-in time and shirking off polyclinic duties. Miss MuMu came up to me yesterday and placed her hands on my shoulder. She gave me a squeeze and asked me where did the old Shelbysweets go? The crazy moron who sleeps 3 hours a day, memorized all the layers of the cornea and read 4 versions of textbooks before discussion. The imbecile who loved jaga / on-call and just woke up with a smile thanking the heavens she was an intern. She died and went straight to academic hell liao. Now in her place is me. I just don’t have the energy anymore. Most of all I do not understand the purpose of magang and this underlies my hateful disposition. I just wanna get the magang sh*t over and done with so I can go home. 6 years in medical school is more than enough. People do not understand how much it sucks to be a medical student. And if I knew that UNPAD was to make me a freaking guinea-pig for their new revolutionary program I would have taken a year off and joined UGM in Yogyakarta or UDAYANA in Bali the year after instead. I could have taken up surfing as a hobby. Now it’s back to the whole kampung sh*t-ass life I detested before.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

of which i need

I really need to pass the Internal Medicine SOCA oral exam to pass the Internal medicine DEPARTMENT to be able to go home so I can regain whatever semangat I have left to finish up the internship so I can graduate so I can finally go home in order to be happy.

Monday, May 07, 2007

undelivered msg to ah choy

(msg)
Having just d worst day of.. of.. I dunno d yr so far maybe. Evrytg is just falling apart n I don’t know wher to start. N its 2 tiring 2 hv 2 explain myself. Nevr cud understand how come some ppl get it easy in life yet I hv 2 struggle just 2 keep afloat. Wanna talk about things yet don’t want 2. Cud also b d reason y I’m msgg here cos I kno u can’t receiv tis yt at least I cn just yabber 2 sum1 in order to remain sane. Guess tats how d cookie crumbles.
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