Thursday, April 19, 2007

suddenly irritated

I cannot sabar. I cannot. Just holding back the tears, anger and frustration. In its place my shelbysweets demeanour: game face. I really admire my ability to PRETEND sometimes.

Today is NOT a good day. I know I whine way too much in comparison to the effort I put in to make life better. Perhaps everything IS my fault, perhaps I'm to blame for my own damn misery.. I mean I'm the one who decides to feel poorly about whatever and I don't exactly try that hard to improve the situation. But today *sigh* TODAY just let me complain puh-lease. Tolong tolong, seriously, tolong.

First of all I f*cked up my first bed-side teaching wit Dr Pra. A lot of my physical examination techniques are beyond perfection and I had trouble determining the heart borders as well as performing (shifting-dullness) percussion. Noone bothered to tell me that my case was a COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) patient so I came ill-prepared with a brain as empty as a Somalian rice bowl. Brilliant right?? The thing that irritated me the most was that I wish I had gotten all these training much earlier especially before my exam the other day. Now I know how much I probably f*cked up on Monday and it makes me feel crummier than ever. GREAT! Now he wants to continue the discussion of my case tomorrow but I "jaga" tonight (shift exchange 'cos the girl today is ill and me being the good samaritan that I am, I relented to her pleas). So I won't be studying altogether that much either. He is SO gonna form a crappy first impression of me-lah. There goes my BST marks! Then there's crap news 'bout the remains of our internship. Hospitals in Sukabumi and Subang recently made it into the satellite hospital list. Bloody f*ck! Those places are FAR and freakin' villages. It's bad enough the program has to proceed another 5 months in Indon, what's worse is that it has to proceed in an Indon village!! M*cha*ha*!! I know, this, very juvenile mentality.. I DON'T CARE!! ENOUGH OF THIS PLACE!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH OF BEING AWAY!! ENOUGH!! I'm within micrometres of my patience threshold and if something radical (such as the management being human enough to allow us to continue the final semester back home in Malaysia) doesn't happen I believe there's a big possibility I might spontaneously combust!! Not in a good, The Amazing Four, way. In a charcoal-cremate-to-ashes way. Not even a Chanel Lucky Charm purse can save me!! To add insult to injury, i'm not thin. I might have lost A (singular, one, uno) kilogram but, seriously, what's a f*cking kg anyway? A small bag of sugar? Quarter a watermelon maybe. Aaah nothing-lah!!

I'm fuming inside and everything is irking me properly. Why am I such an unfortunate clown?? Why won't Lady Luck make my month and shower me with some Shelbulous news? The least she can do is let me go home for abit.

Something is wrong with me. I don't even shop. Hehe actually I think there's nothing I wish to buy here kut. But I used to buy crap 3 times a week to cope with the pressure. Now I pass Carla Gallery (Korea / China "mari" PM boutique) by without dropping by to see what's new. Althoughhh.. I'm dying to get my hands on something Giles for New Look or KateMoss Topshop or Thakoon for Gap or Karl Lagerfeld K but that’s besides the point ‘cos since I’m not in the freaking U of K I’m nowhere near anything that screams budget designer.

So really... something is wrong.

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