Monday, April 02, 2007

eager to be emaciated

Next week I’m gonna start on my Reductil (silbutramine) program. Yup yet another lame attempt at trying to con my body into LOSING SOME FREAKING WEIGHT. Just because I lecture people on adopting a healthy lifestyle doesn’t mean I practice it. I understand how tough it can get to try to improve one’s lifestyle. I really like sleep so I try to squeeze in as much winks as I can thus disabling me to make myself a healthy breakfast in the morning due to lack of time. Hence I’m forced to consume adjacent-to-the-hospital food which is probably just deep-fried gorengan since society does not cater to those who have rounds in the morning at 7am. It’s no wonder my cholesterol level is over the charts. At the age of 25 you’d think I’d have a healthier level of triglycerides. Then there’s the penchant for sweet rubbish like ice-creams and heavily syrup-ed drinks and chocolate and thong suey and cakes… basically all those EVILLL fructose-corn-syrup products that lasts a-moment-on-your-lips-forever-on-your-hips!! Not forgetting that I just cannot, just cannot, say no to pork, chicken skin and the fatty parts of mutton. On top of it all, I HATE to exercise. Really really HATE to exercise. I’m OK with running at the most but I cannot stand treadmills: firstly because running in place is absolute boredom especially if there’s nothing new on Fashion TV and secondly the inferior complex it sends me into when I see a slim 50-year old Japanese grandma prancing down the conveyor belt in to her 20th minute at freaking 9 km/hour while I’m struggling at 6.5 and almost asphyxiating within 4 minutes into the game. I despise weight training and just the thoughts of abdominals makes me wanna *hurl* So how-lah to be thin?

I’ve tried loadsa crap. Some failing ‘cos they don’t go well with my lifestyle while majority failing because, seriously, my willpower is weak. WEAK WEAK WEAK. I’m a weak little maggot. WEAK WEAK WEAK. The first product I ever tried at the age of 13(??) was this gum-starch powder crap called guarnine (or something) that looks like refined sand. You mix it in water half an hour before your mealtime and it supposedly fills up half your gaster with blobs of gummy-sh*t. It makes you eat less wor. It smells horrendous and tastes yucky too. I don’t think it worked. I was also on a million sort of diets: baby food diet, soup diet… aiya all a bunch of bollocks-lah in the end. Then I tried Xenical (orlistat). I was one of the early pioneers of the drug (got it from the black market before the product even touched the shores of Malaysia). Only lasted 2 weeks into the program. I knew that the side-effect of oily flatulence and greasy runny bowels was gonna put people off. Roche really ought to have taken this problem into heavy consideration before placing Xenical on the shelves. It’s just TERRIBLE. OK perhaps if I was a stay-in-mom or a non-social-climbing tai-tai this could have worked. A good toilet at home is just a stone’s throw away and I could easily change into a pair of new pants if I accidentally let one out and soiled my current one. NOT OK if I’m a student who has to ask for permission to use the loo and have no extra change in pinafore. Damn malu right farting oil onto your skirt and having the whole world wondering what’s the stinky orange stain doing there?? And those nonsense over-the-counter crap like SlimSpa and goodness knows what else that promises a new you in JUST 10 DAYS. Tried them too though I end up cowarding out after my 4th dose ‘cos as much as I’m afraid to be FAT I’m more afraid of developing Cushing’s disease (or horrors!! THYROTOXICOSIS) which is caused by the excess steroids pumped into the body. My face is already the shape of a pie, wouldn’t want it to also take the shape of the moon!! Besides, the palpitations and insomnia: really uncomfortable!! I’ve heard of ephedrine products and whatnot but since it’s unavailable in Malaysia so I can try/use it. I’ve yet to find something that can just freaking help me GET THIN. I’ve read about Reductil somewhere in a medical journal and insisted Dddy get me a box or two to try. Just curious as to how much it could really work… I have my doubts and I don’t think you can blame me given my previous experiences. Dddy brought me to our family doctor, Dr Wong in SS2 (he’s Shelbulous!!) to get a prescription. Unfortunately for me, Dr Wong insisted I try it the old-fashioned HARD WAY of a healthy diet and exercise and REFUSED to prescribe me Reductil. Aaargh!! Why is the world against me on this?? Even Dddy is having reservations ‘bout allowing me to get liposuction once I’m done with my studies. Aaargh!! Like I said why is the world against me on this?? So anyways recently we were having bedside-teaching lessons with this resident Dr J and there he was on the phone with a client about Reductil. When he was done speaking on the phone he teasingly asked if there’s anyone of us who was interested in a slimming aid called Reductil. Immediately my neck perked in interest!! Reductillll… oooh the elusive Reductil. The next day I approached him about it and made sure he got my order down. Still sceptical as to how fabulous this drug can be but let us all keep an open mind OK.

Hopefully April marks the beginning of a skeletal new me!!

P.S, disclaimer: image courtesy of Time Magazine March 2007

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