Monday, March 19, 2007

"move along"

“I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying…”

I closed shop with Mr Orange. I was WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. I’m nothing to him. Whatever made me think I played an important role in his life?? Again, I’m at the sucker’s end of the equation. I know everyone thinks there was no need to resurface the issue and that I should have silently moved on / away. There is no wrong and there is no right as to how things should be done. If there’s ever regret, it would be that I should have done this so much earlier. Shouldn’t have waited a year. Should have had more balls. On his part especially. Things are just so f*cked up for all of us. I cannot believe my strength. I can’t believe I’m so strong. Then again I’ve had to stomach so much already so…

I don’t know why I’m so angry. More of me being angry with myself for being such an idiot. Again. Allowing myself to be seduced into thinking this could be the potential love of my life only to be halted a few steps before the anything could materialize. I’m angry that he was willing to give ME up: this absolutely SUPER person who loved him much and could protect him forever. He chose everyone over me. Everyone. I’m angry that he belittled our relationship. I’m angry at myself for letting my guard down. I’m angry I didn’t see this coming a year ago. I’m angry for being in love… actually mostly just bitter that I didn’t get with my soulmate(??). But then again just ‘cos we’re soulmates doesn’t mean we have to be together. I suppose whoever who manage to get with their soulmates are really really fortunate people. As for the rest of us, all we can do is to keep trying.

“Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting.”
… Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice …

P.S: (msg)
at least u hv ur career n its nt ovr 4 u yet. Carrie met Big when she was 30sumthin. He’s gonna wake up 1 day bald unhappy n divorced prob. N u’ll b thin wid a fab life.

P.P.S: what will I do without my dear sister?

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