Saturday, March 10, 2007

bad things

When very bad things happen I usually don’t talk about it ‘till much later. It’s how I foolishly protect myself. For instance, the whole deal with Mr Orange I kept to myself for quite awhile before approaching Miss ChongChong regarding the subject. I lost my iPod video on New Year’s Eve. It’s not something I’m proud of… this happened in the LCCT arrival lounge loo. I reached into my pocket and placed the iPod on the mantelpiece as I was about to take a piss in fear of the iPod making its way into the bowl. Bad idea. I forgot and left it there. I only discovered I was missing an iPod when I watched Miss KosKos fumbled with hers. I ran back into the loo, palms sweaty, heart tachycardic and all but I was too late. The person after me in the loo had snazzed my goodie. I was furious with myself for being such an imbecile. The worse was having to tell the parents I lost my iPod. Later on I learnt from Miss KhaiKhai that she saw a chick in the loo showing off an iPod that looked like mine to her sisters / friends and later dumping it into her bag. I felt even crummier. I will NEVER remove my iPod from my pocket or bag again.

Another bad thing is that Thalamus died… 2 days before my parents arrived for the Chinese New Year. I don’t know what went wrong ‘cos it was very much alive the day before it died. I admit things were turning rough for me ‘cos I was super sick and was doing double-shifts of ‘jaga’. I believe I might not have warmed him enough. The evening I discovered his body I had left him in the sink for a quick wash as I replaced the lettuce in the aquarium. Usually he’d retract his limbs into his shell as the water hits him but this time he didn’t. I realized he was hard and cold and unresponsive. It was really dumb but I performed tortoise CPR… couldn’t help it: I was desperate and devastated. Still I didn’t have time to mourn and despite wanting to give him a proper burial, I couldn’t bring myself to hold on to his corpse. I chucked him into the bin and rushed back to the hospital. I don’t know why I’m just so unfazed or perhaps so uncompassionate about this but I was too tired to deal with the crummy feelings. It had been a nasty couple of weeks and I just couldn’t bring myself to pause and accept all the negative feelings.

Thalamus passing away was somehow, to me, a precursor that I could be a terrible mother. I developed nightmares of me killing my own baby due to neglect which lasted for a week. I mean if I can’t take care of a tortoise (which is almost hassle-free), how can I take care of a baby… this being that needs constant care and nurture?? I always thought I’d be a pretty good mother but this only goes to show what a horrible one I would be. It’s a pretty traumatizing thought.

I don’t know what to make of my Pediatrics exam. My “nazar”, should I pass Pediatrics, is to turn vegetarian for a month. I love meat so this will be difficult. G*ddd I really do hope I pass Pediatrics.

And guess what’s my next department? Killer of killers: Internal Medicine. Crappers.

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