Thursday, January 11, 2007

"i never thought... this is not what i'm like"

I’m so tired-lah. I have no idea why though. I know things will get better ‘cos it usually takes a week for me to recover from the whole back-to-Indon prodromal syndrome. So just waiting for the week to be over. I’m in Pediatrics. There are a lot of sick kids out there and in Indon they’re not just sick… they have weird sicknesses.

So I went home with a little bit of deadweight on my chest. I was confused over how I was gonna handle the whole Mr Orange bit. I knew he was going to spend it with his girlfriend. He spent Christmas with her too. In a queer sense I was somewhat glad for him ‘cos I know in my heart that this was something he had always wanted: to spend the holidays with a girlfriend. I really wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. I really ought to be more selfish. I don’t know how to describe how I felt but I do know I handled it better than I thought I would. I guess you could probably say I’m more composed this time around. Kudos to me. I didn’t reach for the phone and got all LAME AND NEEDY the moment I touchdown home. And when I say reach-for-the-phone I meant call him. In fact I just made myself busy. It’s OK-lah, I mean who am I to him anyway??

“So since I’m not your everything
How about I’ll be nothing, nothing at all to you…”
… Beyonce, Irreplaceable …

Which was exactly what I was working at: being nothing to him. I really was-lah. Believe me. I just did everything in my power to rid myself outta his life. Despite rigorous efforts, *sigh* sometimes old habits die hard. But I was very very diplomatic. Not an ounce of LAMEness or NEEDIness. Just brief important msgs. It’s getting easier though. I’m less disturbed, disturbed nonetheless, but LESSER and really that’s the most important aspect. I’m just tired. After all this it’s him who has to do the coming over if anything. ‘Cos I can’t anymore. I’m all out of efforts.

P.S, image disclaimer: The Magic Numbers 'Take A Chance' album inlay

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