Monday, December 25, 2006

last christmas I gave you my heart

It’s Christmas soon. Has it already been a year since...?

I gave myself a gift since, well, don’t think anyone was gonna get me one. I’m my own Santa(rina). Bought myself a pet. It’s an Indian Star tortoise with the coolest looking shell. A little on the pricey side: 350,000rp (equiv RM150) but the pet-shop owner assured me that it was more of an investment than a purchase since the value of the tortoise increases with age. Not like it really mattered but it was definitely a good sell-point. I bought into it of course considering the gullible goose that I am. I didn’t want a regular Brazillian green turtle ‘cos they’re wet and stinky. Besides they’re just so oh-so-mundane which is TOTALLY not me since I’m Shel-rific. My tortoise is the dry land sort and it dines on lettuce (and other vegetables) which is really fun. I christened it Thalamus after the brain anatomy as a tribute to Neurology which drove me into such insanity of a pet purchase.

Speaking of Neurology, *sigh* it’s been some difficult few weeks. Dr Thamster has been really gruesome and everyday I kena scolding. What's more with the news of us not being able to graduate next year (terror repeats itself) I swear it is just gonna be a wee bit ‘till I go back to my VERY unhappy state. I’m so tired already… I just wanna go home.

What is even more crummy is that on days like today when everyone is partying their ankles off I’m here stuck in my room chugging down some white Dutch beer, reading up on stroke, epilepsy and meningitis. It’s been 6 crappy Christmases and I really ought to get over it already but I can’t. Why is it I’m 25 and leading the life of a nun? Even nuns get to have fun on Christmas. Guess I shouldn’t complain, at least I’m not on night duty or on call. F*ck I’m despondent. I suppose it all boils down to the fact nothing has significantly changed since last year. I’m still IN SCHOOL, I still do NOT have a boyfriend, I’m still FAT and I still have my braces ON. When will I ever graduate from this phase of my life?? I feel like I’ve been here forever. It’s like being a teenager all over again and wishing I’d grow up just a little faster. Maybe I’m a little glummer ‘cos I feel like that light at the end of the tunnel is dimming down every time I look up while I’m charging through. It will not get any easier and this scares me. I mean the only thing that has kept me going was poncy-poncy thoughts of a better future and an easier existence to come. Now that all is revealed and that ‘better future and easier existence’ is found to be quite the myth after all, I cannot deny I’m shattered and devastated. I don’t really know what else to look forward to. Maybe a husband? But there aren’t many great boys out there anymore. Now that the graduation schedule has adjourned, I’m forced to make peace with the fact I will not be able to do Parsons summer school and will have to bid goodbye to the essential me soon. I hate it that I’m so responsible sometimes. I hate it that I always DO THE RIGHT THING rather than do the ‘right’ thing for myself. I hate it that I can’t bear to hurt Mr Orange’s feelings by HACKING HIM OFF MY LIFE when it could be my only salvage from further destruction. I hate it that I always choose to study rather than go clubbing. I hate it that I won’t hanky-panky with a resident ‘cos jeopardizing my reputation could lead to more teething troubles. G*ddd I’m anal!!

Maybe I just need to go shopping-lah. It maybe just a quick-fix but I don’t think anything else can be of a better equivalent. Actually a holiday could too but I don’t have the luxury of holiday time so shopping still reigns.

Perhaps being ordinary has its perks. Wonder how being ordinary is like?

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