Friday, November 03, 2006

someone to chase cars with

“We’ll do it all
Everything, on our own”

Just quite recently Mr Orange asked me a question that I used to think was a really simple question with an answer that should have been able to rival a 7 year-olds Dear-Santa list.

“We don’t need anything or anyone”

“What are you looking for in a man?”

Immediately my tongue went on autopilot and I started yabbering that the initial value I look for in a man is ambition. A man with a plan. Someone with a passion for life... who loves the fact he’s alive and he’s living. He strives for the betterment of himself. Ah Yeoh then got all excited spinning the topic of conversation out of control which was good in a sense because I wasn’t keen to pursue the subject further.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Frankly, I don’t know what I want in a man anymore. I used to think I want this and that but the older I grow the lesser the list means to me. Could it be that men nowadays are just disappointing that having a list is practically pointless? Or it could be that women are just so freaking independent they can’t seem to find anything (apart from sex) significant enough for the men to fulfil. So my list used to consist of hot looks (would love looking at a cute face as I blow him good), passion + determination (hah!! Try finding a man in this age who still has ambition… generation x-ers are just mainly interested in living for the day), faithful (hah again!! Try finding a man in this age who won’t give up a good affair..) and someone my parents would utterly adore. He caught me by surprise. I never considered this to be something that would be so mind-boggling. I’m in my mid-twenties and I don’t know what to look for in a man. I don’t. Things I thought were so important seem so trivial now.

In the end, perhaps all I want is someone to love me and can make me happy. Maybe, after it all burns down, it is all that matters. He may not know this but I found that quality in Mr Orange. He’s probably the only person who can calm me. Even Dddy also kalah. Perhaps this is the reason why I haven’t walked away. The oddest thing is he can just NOT do anything and he can make me happy. That’s so bizarre even I can’t explain it. All he ever needs to do is lie on the other side of the bed and play his videogame or read the newspaper or whatever and I feel better instantly just ‘cos he’s in the vicinity. I have not been able to find another person who can do the same for me. They can make me laugh and drive me crazy with their McDreamy smiles but they cannot soothe me. And if you can’t sooth me… *shrug*

“I don’t quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words… are said too much, they're not enough”
.
I really ought to get over him. There is no point in us getting together also. He doesn’t love me *tear*. He just thinks I’m a good friend to have around (enough to make me hurl). And even if he got with me it’s probably ‘cos he thinks I’m something nice to show his mother (which I’m proud to say I AM but that’s not the point). I don’t want to get with a person who just thinks I’m a great CV girlfriend anyway. What an insult right? Everyone wonders why I don’t TRY to give things a try. It’s not that I’m so noble whatsoever but seriously-lah the f*cker has a girlfriend. Must have abit of integrity one. And if he stays in the relationship after all that has happened it really must mean something: he feels nothing for me or really I’m just not good enough / not what he’s looking for. A little sad but hey have to accept the facts right?? I mean I had to turn people down too ‘cos they weren’t what I was looking for. One of those things in life-loh.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life”


Miss RemRem who had always spanked my bottom for being rude or childish or negative regarding the relationship also agrees that I should never never mess with people punya relationship. And she told me she had great respect and admiration for me *beams* She hates it that I told him I like him and then turned away and ran the opposite direction. I can’t help it-loh. It’s my way of protecting myself. It’s all part of my psychodynamic mental defense. I have an ego the size of a mammoth. If I don’t do that I can die.

“Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace to remind me to find my own”


Ah Nggie thinks Mr Orange should have been man enough to politely decline me. Ah Nggie finds him to be a weak coward who has no sense of valiance. Ah Nggie Ah Nggie, bless him. We are each other’s shields in times of trouble.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life”
.
I’m starting to ramble. The point is… now that I’m older (and hopefully a lil’ bit wiser), all that business ‘bout cars, condos and credit cards really isn’t all that big a deal. They help make the relationship a lil’ more interesting but that’s all they do.

“All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes they’re all I can see
I don’t know where, confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all”
.
I was so busy searching for a man that could be my family’s son that I forgot I had my own needs. And then he came and knocked the socks of my feet. He possessed nothing I was looking for in the list but I love him nonetheless. Most of all I believe in him and want nothing but to support him. So I understand now that I ought to look for someone who has an ambition AND could make me wake up loving the fact I’m alive… someone who could lie with me and just forget the world.

“If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”
… Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars …

P.S: Tips Happy dari FATgirl


When your face feels like rubbish...


Pop on some facial mask...





Janji become pretty!!
P.P.S: Dunno why-ah I can't look like the above everyday. Most of the time I look like the loser with the mask on. No wonder no Prince Charming fall to my feet-lah. I resemble Ursula!!

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