Saturday, October 21, 2006

happiness lies in acceptance

“Just one more breath, I beg you please
Just one more step, my knees are weak
My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive
My heart is sturdy but it needs you

Don’t you want to breathe?
I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need

My capillaries scream
There’s nothing left to feed on
My body needs a reason to cross that line
Will you carry me there one more time?”

… Dashboard Confessional, Reason To Believe …

These few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life. I think I do it too often but better this than just accepting that whatever I have now is the best for me. These few months have been rough. I have not been able to float in any of the recent departments despite my efforts to rectify this lacking. It’s moments like this that makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing ‘cos somehow I kinda suck at this. I’m the biggest dunce in my group and medical science is just SO DAMN HARD. I read it over and over again and yet I don’t “get it” like the rest of my fellow peers. How is this so?? What is it I’m NOT DOING ENOUGH?? Maybe my brains weren’t meant for this *sigh*… maybe I’m just generally too stupid for this, I don’t know. The self-doubt returns and I’m thrown into questioning whether I should stick with things or not. The problem is this is the ONLY thing working for me right now. Apart from this I have literally NOTHING. So I love fashion, so I wanna go to fashion school but let’s face it: I don’t have the talent. I don’t. I love it but I don’t have the skill. And then there’s this... doctor-thing which I don’t have a super passion for but funny enough here I am: a year to my M.D. How I managed to cling on for dear life and live to tell the tale, I have no explanation. I’m wondering if this is all there is to life. The fact that when I’m done with med school I will be forced to take the banal next step: houseman ship (and lotsa locum-ing to finance my high-maintenance fashion needs) and after that pursue a medical career, be it choosing a specialty or opening a clinic or working with a private hospital. Doesn’t that burning desire for arts get an opportunity to express itself?? Will I be too old and tired to opt for diversity then?? Should I just succumb to what society and my family expects of me?? Medical school makes a person grow up really fast. You’re exposed to every perspective of life: life, death, instant decisions, trivialities, responsibilities, a world of vast emotions, pretence… and despite all that, still attempt to maintain a functional, balanced existence. With medical school being the longest form of college, I tend to feel I have missed out on all the good things. I gave my twenties (the fun age box) away and while people my age partied, read books, went on dates, watched movies and celebrated the holidays I lay in bed trying to catch whatever sleep I’m allowed to. Life shouldn’t be this serious. At least not in my mid-twenties. How is it that I got so old so fast?? I see people around me bumbling through life and not taking the future seriously… g*dd I wish I could be that care-free. Perhaps I’m just too ambitious for my own good and now I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what is happy. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up to something I love every morning. So I’ve decided. When all of this is over next year, I will go to fashion school. Houseman ship will have to wait at least 3 months because I REALLY think I owe it to myself to at least explore my interest and discover my potential. I just need to state a good case to Dddy ‘cos goodness knows how much he’s gonna flip when he finds out I’m gonna postpone houseman ship for a stupid fashion course in New York. You know-lah the combo of putting-medical-career-on-halt and American-design-school… worst form of dinner table conversations for Chinese fathers.

OK-lah better go and study now. My examiner couldn’t examine us today and scheduled for a 7am appointment tomorrow. I believe G*d-or-whoever-up-there decided we were not prepared to meet the Killer-of-killers and gave us yet another excruciating day to study. I met Ah JayJay and he said with Dr Killer-of-Killers, if 3 goes in (for the exam), 2 will come out passing and 1 will come out failing and in terms of Miss MuMu and I going in, you can predict who will come out the LOSER-lah!! OMG can die-lho after hearing sh*t like that. *takes deep breath* With the power of Jay Chou invested in me, I shall now mug my X-rays properly.

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