Tuesday, September 26, 2006

is there a doctor?!!

Gonna attempt to puasa today: melatih EQ. It's a good relief the ER resuscitation room became empty by 1am. I needed time to take a nap and re-review my notes. Yup jaga tonight and exam the very next day!! Look at what freaking great luck I have... And not just some random examiner: the super senior professor who pioneered awake craniotomy anesthesia. I could just D I E.
It's been a tiring day both physically and mentally. I watched 2 people die before me today: a young lady and a 20 days old baby. I seem to witness a lot of deaths in anesthesiology. It's uncanny. I can now proceed through a "plus" (death) moment without breaking down. Still need to condition myself to not hurt so easily though.. but I swear I am improving. I was wondering when I'd be able to attempt CPR and I did earlier awhile ago... I hope to get more. I have this phobia that some day someone would just drop dead at my feet. I mean you watch all these tele shows and when something like this happens, someone would yell out that he's a doctor and proceed to perform chest compressions. Thing is, if it ever happens to me... I'm, supposedly like, the doctor-lah!! And the responsibility of having to resuscitate the lifeless man would fall on me and if I, like, dunno and stone.. The fella's wife would never forgive me. *sigh*

Maybe it’s the way doctors in general cope. Maybe they’re just plain jaded. Maybe many things but maybe they shouldn't crack jokes in front of weeping families. Thing is, I get it that sometimes you just have to take situations lightly in order to have a better mind set but then again people in general do not know this. They just see their dying kin and the doctor monkeying around like 9-year-olds.

I’m new. Death is still very foreign to me. I still get bummed when the EKG go asystole after persistent cardiac/respiratory resuscitation. I don’t know how to switch off so easily yet. I don’t know the right things to say while a father telephones his wife to tell her their daughter is dead. I don’t know how to console people when their mother has kicked the bucket. I suppose this is why doctors just tell the news and walk away. Staying would mean getting involved emotionally and with so many things buzzing about at the same time we just cannot afford to get involved. It’s too tiring and mostly it’s just too plain depressing.

I know 'cos I’m tired.


P.S. on a lighter note: Jaga kit: Pink Crocs (did you know Crocs were sorta meant for nurses?) which are the absolute envy of the hospital... they were such showstoppers and EVERYONE wanted to try them on 'cos they look like they came from Saturn. A nurse once commented that the Indon Ministry of Health should really look into allocating a Crocs subsidy for the nurses which I thought was freaking hilarious. Surgeons were absolutely in love with them, they wish they had mine in a more manly colour so they could withstand cramping operations; Tokidoki bambione filled with Littman stethoscope (designer stethoscope), BP set, thermometer, reflex hammer, measuring tape and scissors; First Aid Kit with sterile needles, iodine buds, alcohol wipes and heandcream (for all the handwashing).

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