Thursday, August 24, 2006

happy feng-shui

Haven’t stopped crying since the night I was due here ‘till today. Got my period last night which explains the insane hormone overload.
I miss (christened it…) Pillow Positivity. Got it in IKEA the day before I had to leave. It’s so happy looking. Teman-ed me when I was feeling absolutely rubbish the entire Sunday.

I’m so pissed with myself. Why do I let him make me so happy?? What is wrong with me that I think I’m happier when he talks to me?? I actually think I look prettier when I’m around him: as if my skin glows and my hair very the theng-wah. I mean there I was lying in bed sobbing my eyes out (the standard pre-Indon-blues) when he msgs me to apologize for not having time for me and that things’ll be better the next time. With that, the very next second I'm bouncing out of bed, clearing all the tissues from my floor and finishing up on packing. It’s, like, I felt all better in a snap. Why does he have so much power over me?? I can’t imagine what it is about him that rules me?! The only person with such supremacy is Dddy and even Dddy can’t make me smile on back-to-Indon-blues days.

I’m tired really. I’m tired of hating him. ‘Cos hating him takes so much work. But I have to try to hate him in order to NOT like him. ‘Cos liking him is even MORE tiring than hating him.

What about HIM NOT LIKING ME that I don’t understand?? Why is it so hard for me plaster this within my thick skull of a head?!! He does NOT like me. OMGGG I’m so cacat!!

I don’t like this side of me. It’s so vulnerable that it’s meluat. I’m NEVER THIS WEAK!!

Other than that I’m starting to come to terms with the fact I’m back. The reality has started to kick in and life will return to its normal cycle the moment I get my study plan into gear. It’s been half a year of long departments that I’ve forgotten how it’s like to be in the triplet-minis. I’ll be commencing with Dermatology going into Anaesthesiology next and ending with Radiology. I really pray I pass all of ‘em departments so I can have that measly 1 week break at the end of it. You cannot imagine how much I really need holidays.
Slowly clearing up the room. Trying to get it liveable by the end of the week. I’ve straightened out some stuff like throwing out A LOT of crap, stuffing books and notes back into shelves and shoving messes into neater piles. By the weekend I would have changed my period-stained sheets, replace fresh mats and towels, sort out piles, throw more rubbish away and send off dry-cleaning. Hopefully this will invite lots of happy feng-shui into my life. Goodness knows how much I need it.

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