Monday, July 24, 2006

cherry-pie

(Dopod)

Wahhh ternyata there's conflict within the Indon tudung chicks themselves. No wonder the group environment is so uncomfortable... Everytime we get together the aura gets kinda icy and I get, like, shivers down my spine. B*tch galore!!

I'm bored outta my wits. Public Health sucks. I dislike dealing with data and statistics and whatnot. The Cibolerang Puskesmas (pusat kesihatan masyarakat / primary health centre) is so freaking far. We take, like, 2 hours to get home on bad days AND we've gotta change 3 sets of angkot rides. M*ther of ass!! This is the first time I'm shoved into a group where people are mostly bland and sedate. I’m not used to this ‘cos I’m just so comfortable with someone taking charge everytime I get into any department that I feel literally like a lost sheep now that nobody wants to take up some responsibility and bloody damn well LEAD. OK OK maybe I should step up but I’m not bloody bothered ‘cos of my previous crappy history with ‘em and the fact these people have some sh*t ass silly verbal protocol that I absolutely detest and find extremely irritating. Thank goodness this department ends in a month.

Right now I'm seated right at the back as I watch the rest of my group-mates scurrying around hunting for data and study results. My work is mainly textbook sh*t so my job is mostly done at home rather than on site. Don't know what is going on: kekeke, I NEVER know what's going on. I'm hopeless. I'm praying the old man allows us to leave early... This place is making me drowsy.

16:17

Had a good afternoon with Miss KosKos today. It’s been awhile since we hung out with my pre-Public Health holiday of 5 weeks and the fact we missed each other a week ‘cos she went home for her Dentistry holiday the same one when I returned. So it has been a total of 6 weeks since we last saw each other. It’s pretty long considering the fact that we’ve lived with each other the last 3 years (meaning we see each other almost every second of the day) and speak to each other at least twice a week if not more. I had so much to tell her. She had so much to tell me. More her than me considering her life has been more of a rollercoaster in comparison to meek mine.

As we laid on her bed recounting our happenings I suddenly realized we have FINALLY grown up a little. Us 2 buffalo brats are actually whining about relationship issues for the very FIRST time!! OMG. OMG. Yes OMG… the 2 Ariens: winners of war, losers in love are actually having luuurve problems. OMG :D KAKAKA It’s absolutely hilarious. *me pengsans* I don’t know but I think the both of us have intimacy issues. I’ll speak for myself at least. I don’t know how to be close to a boy physically. And when I do get close I get scared and react very disturbingly. As for Miss KosKos, I believe she has an emotional intimacy issue. That when a boy actually starts feeling about the parameters of her heart she clams up and wonders “OMG OMG like what now?!!” Pretty much the same feeling I get when a boy sits beside me and places his hand around my shoulder. It is something we each have to work on in our own special way I suppose. Yet I don’t get this way with strangers I meet in clubs or people’s boyfriends or people I work with. Why yah? I dunno. I think it’s ‘cos there’s no pressure or having to worry about emotional aftermaths when in comes to people we don’t know or people’s boyfriends or people we work with. I wish I was back in Brighton. Things were so simple then. Now things are just hard and painful.

Boys are so hard to be with yet all I want is to be with them. They are unquestionably, very rightly as Kelly Clarkson puts them to be: Beautiful Disasters.

I told Miss KosKos ‘bout my desire to get my cherry popped. I don’t know. Somehow along the way, especially after the whole 2-lonely-stars bit, I don’t know if I still want to have it anymore. It’s starting to feel more of a burden than a privilege. Perhaps this is just a momentary lapse in judgement but lately it’s been haunting my thoughts. It’s like having to carry The Ring. I feel so heavy having it. And looking at circumstances post-told-fortune, it just doesn’t seem worth the keep after all. What’s the point in saving myself if he’s gonna turn out to be just some second-hand bozo. And what the f*ck does second-hand mean?? Like a divorcee?!! F*CK. Ah Yeoh was a little more optimistic than I was: his interpretation of the reading was that the fella wasn’t a virgin anymore. I suppose that’s another way of looking at things. I don’t expect my man to be a virgin; I’d prefer him to not be one anyway so he’d know what the heck to do with his tool, y’know? Maybe Miss ChongChong’s right..? I don’t know. I was watching through some of Ah Choy’s rainbows [he gave me, like a STACK of ‘em this time!! I was SO SO PLEASED. I bet all my chicks back in Indon are gonna be flipping over this as well] and one of ‘em struck me so hard I couldn’t watch rainbow for, like, 3 f*cking weeks!! And mind you, me BIG LOVER of rainbows especially ones with cute young chicks and hard humping ;) *sigh* There was, like, this reality bit made by some f*cked up Japanese boys (Japanese CAN BE REALLY SICK PEOPLE SOMETIMES). They trail chicks home and coming upon some secluded spot (preferably with bushes and loadsa short trees) they’d pounce on the poor girls and rape ‘em. Yes, RAPE THEM. INVOLUNTARILY GAG THEM, TIE THEM UP AND FORCE THEMSELVES ON THE GIRLS SEXUALLY. I have no words. I was so appalled and sick to my stomach I threw up. And I almost NEVER THROW UP!! This fortifies my fear of carrying my cherry around. I do not want to lose it to some f*cked up b*stard just ‘cos he got horny after watching a Hindi film (the usual excuse used by Indon men) or just ‘cos he likes submissive sex. If you like it so much GO F*CKING RENT A WHORE AND GET HER TO ACT ALL WEAK AND SH*T. I’m just so enraged and pissed and confused and scared and… *sigh* scared-lah really. Very very scared. And with the whole ex-stewardess business at Centerpoint, Bandar Utama… I dunno. I dunno if I still want it anymore. People don’t understand why I’m such a clam. I can’t help it. Everytime a boy gets close to me all that rings in my mind is that “You’re gonna steal my cherry. You’re gonna steal my cherry…” even if he didn’t have such an agenda. Then I get all rock-like even though all I want is to pounce on him and make out!! Maybe I really need to make out soon. I’m getting so f*cked up in my mind. So do I still wanna get my cherry popped? I don’t know. Ah Ng feels I should just stick to my initial plan of saving it. I guess. Why am I such a good girl? Just yesterday I was getting a lil’ edgy ‘cos the meeting ran later than it was supposed to be. Thing is, when it’s time to go home I really wanna go home. That’s the sort of person I am. I can hang out or club till 4 in the morning but if it turns half-past-4 and all’s done, I WANT to go home. Miss VakiVaki told me I’m such a goody-goody. I suppose I am a good girl. My parental units raised me up to be so. There are times I wish I wasn’t so LIKE THAT. But I am. Damn.

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