Monday, June 26, 2006

"i opened up my eyes"

It’s the Sunday after. Feel rotten. I can’t believe I made myself go through another rejection.


I don’t want to chase the boys anymore-lah. F*cking malas now. Everytime the same damn result: tricks, lies. I always thought it’s ‘cos they never got to know me ‘cos the FAT factor probably turned them off before the fabulous ME got to shine through. Standard-lah. I really feel like pouring a bucket of chicken sh*t on those people who claims that in the end it doesn’t JUST boils down to looks because trust me: IT MATTERS BIG TIME. I know it shouldn’t matter anymore but I’m gonna brood over this for abit (it’s only been a DAY, cut me some slack-lah!!).

What was it about me that made him not want to run the extra mile?? ‘Cos I think I’m so worth it. Then again of course I will THINK I’m all THAT. I should try to look from an outside person point of view. Everyone is so f*cking surprised I didn’t manage to reel him. Sigh.

Last night when I was queuing up to get my Black Tan (Guinness Black Party), I overheard a chick’s conversation.

Chick: Ohh… so when your girl not around only you call me-lah. I’m your Comfort Woman-lah. Your KL Comfort Woman.

My mind immediately went into overdrive. I had an epiphany. I was Mr Orange’s COMFORT WOMAN. OMG!! OMG!! *tear* I think I definitely deserve much more than the value of a Comfort Woman. I could not believe this. Didn’t our friendship even MEAN ANYTHING to him?? He had the cheek to shove me into that position. *sigh* I did take the bait so I’m to blame as well. I guess, you couldn’t find a blinder fool.

“I'm here
Searching through the wreckage
Wondering why the message never go through
And I found I was placed on my faith
How could I put my faith in you?”
…Pussycat Dolls, How Many Times How Many Lies…

As Mmmy was doing some retail therapy in Starhill, I just roamed around in my thoughts. I had to snap out of it once in awhile to help her make some purchase choices. As we were canoodling about in Vuitton, I came to a personal conclusion. I believe in the end, coming out in the open, was the better alternative. Or I’d be excruciatingly putting myself through constant mental torture sifting through every action to find if there were indeed any romantic innuendos trapped in between. Now I know it was JUST ME. He didn’t feel a thing. He was just a f*cker, like the rest of them, (damn, when did he turn into the rest of them??) out to have a good time. If there’s one thing I wanted him to know, was that all I ever did for him was me-the-fabulous-friend and NOT me-giddy-schoolgirl-in-love. He’d probably think, now, that all I’ve ever done for him was because I fancied him but it isn’t the case. I admit, I am more biased to favour him above other friends but whatever I’ve done to love him was pure FRIENDSHIP. The only difference is that lately I was more willing to drop everything just to be with him. I was thiiis close to sacrificing make-up time (Guinness Black) to watch a movie with him. Yeah that’s the schoolgirl-in-love quality coming into play.

And I think if he wants extra quality time with me it comes with a price. And that price is having to be my boyfriend-loh. ‘Cos if he wants girlfriend treatment, he should just go scrape it off the Lemang Lady or that Old Bag… and not worm it off me. And it’s a lesson for me too. I shouldn’t simply simply easy easy let people trick me like this also. Cannot be too easy to give my love away. WILL BE VERY SELECTIVE FROM NOW ON. Must not let boys trick me into thinking they’re interested in me ;P

I think the most painful pill I had to swallow was learning that in the end boys are pretty much jerks after all. I really didn’t think he was the sort. I can’t believe I said that: that I didn’t think he was the sort to be a jerk. ‘Cos I really didn’t. I had so much belief and respect for him. Maybe I’m too ignorant or so young when it comes to issues of love / romance / relationships. And I hate it that I am. Can’t believe everyone was kinda right ‘bout him. I’m like WHAT?!! I should know him better but in that sense I must be f*cking dim-witted-lah. I must stop myself from always wanting to save him. Cannot cannot… I have to learn to SAVE myself. It’s good also-lah this thing happened, let me really learn to not be emotionally dependent on him.
*sigh* This is hard.


Dot Dwyer said...

Dear Shelby Baby, I don't know you . I just came across your blog. I believe that if you felt he was into you , he was. When he ceased to be , he was too. You did nothing. It has nothing to do with your weight or your personality or because you drink pepsi instead of coke. You will drive yourself mad trying to come up with a reason.
Take a look around you at the relationships that appear to be working. Some of them seem to be physically beautiful matches, but I'm sure most of them aren't. There is no ryhme or reason. They're into you and then they aren't. You'll go crazy trying to figure out the formula. There is none. They aren't all evil and they all aren't wonderful. They're fallible human beings. Any of us would be lucky to find one that we can forgive and keep going on with.
Sorry for posting so much. I can identify with you.

shelbybaby said...

dot: you have no idea how much better i feel now after what you said. thank you.

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