Thursday, June 15, 2006

he whats me. he whats me not.

So I’m home. So everybody knows. So I started socialising. Still feel like crap.

This holiday is turning into a nightmare. I’ve been looking forward to this month-long vacation and now that it’s here, all I see is it turning into freaking breadcrumbs in my hand. I suppose things always end up like sh*t if you think it’s gonna be something monumental.

I’m confused. I’m confused if I really am in love with Mr Orange. He has a new chick now. She’s cute… those cute Malay chick sort. I suppose he’s in the Malay-chick phase. Most non-Malay boys go through it at a certain point in their life. Vice-versa for Malay chicks. They go out with them ‘cos there’s just too much pressure to go out with someone your own race sometimes. All the fun and carefree joy gets thumped down by questions of “Where is this relationship going?” or pressures from race-alike parents to “Get hitched already”. With the Malay chick it’s more of “let’s have fun together” which people tend to forget is essential in keeping a relationship jovial. Not to mention Malay chicks are supposedly really horny. *giggles* Perhaps virgin Chinese chicks like me are viewed to be absolute frigid corals. Look cute-cute but absolute vegetable when it comes to sex. I like to think I’m cheeky but what do I know?!

So it has come to the question of whether I really do love him or not? And if I don’t then MOVE ON but if I do what then? Tell him. Or keep it to myself to salvage the friendship. I don’t know. I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know.

"I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear
And even as I wander,I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
...Reo Speedwagon; Can't Fight This Feeling...

I don’t even know if I love him or not? What the f*ck is love? I told him that his relationship was merely a disguise to his fear of having a real relationship stemming from his low self-esteem. Like since he knew that those 2 relationships (now and prior) were so unrealistic it became easier to handle than having to handle a real relationship. That he thinks he’s not good enough for a real relationship. But he is. Everyone’s trying to get to the bottom of things for me but in the end we just gurgle over the same issues again and again and again. In the end, we get splurted out of the bumbling volcano, land our asses at the foot of the volcanic hill where we started out before. No answers.

And I hate it that I have this stupid desire to save him. Like I would drop everything that instant moment if I felt he was in trouble. I HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS. I’m torturing myself. In fact I should save myself. This Supergirl persona has to go. So I was considering X-ing him off my life. For awhile. Say half a year or two. Let me recuperate and learn to live in a world where there is NO HIM. Like he never existed. Maybe then I’d finally realize there are no male figures in my life and that I should go out and get some. He must know at some level I fancy him. He must know. It’s impossible he doesn’t although I have always been very careful with affections. May be I should just tell him. Tell him that I’m confused and that I need to work things out. In the meantime I have to leave him. Because it’s the only way things could work. It’s the only way I could not hurt. I have to be fair to myself too. Miss ChongChong thinks I’m being so selfish to do that. That I’m punishing him over my own dilemmas. Perhaps I am. But don’t I need to put myself before others?? I need to favour myself. My heart is breaking and I don’t even know what the cause of it is. And I can’t believe I’m crying over nothing. And I’m tired already of thinking, I have no positive thoughts about this and it’s leaving me fatigue. In the end I know all I’d be left with is disappointment and despair. Things are not going to work out because for BIG STARTERS HE DOES NOT LIKE ME. Why can’t I just drill this in my head?? He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. He does NOT like me. Yet I still like him, maybe. What the F***?!!

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