Sunday, June 25, 2006

dorothy (jerry maguire): maybe love shouldn't be such hard work

I have officially moved on. As in I’ve begin the process of moving on.

moi: urgent forum tonight with urban kin to discuss aftermath of my declaration of like to Mr Orange. Pick you all up to Miss ChongChong’s place in Kota Kemuning at 9-ish.

Kota Kemuning’s like FAR. It’s like the suburbs where it’s quiet and serene and family-friendly. Ah Clar lives in this 5 storey condo which has, like, the loveliest pool and a brilliantly peaceful setting. I like it. A lot. When the three of us were trying to figure out our way to the place, it felt like 3 city girls taking a road trip to go find their married friend in the Hamptons. So Sex and The City weiii… boy, are the suburbs far or what. It’s like another country (and we didn’t even pack out passports!!).

I showed them the brown-paper folder. They said they could cry. They said they didn’t understand how is it that Mr Orange didn’t just fall in love with me there and then, sweep me into his arms and kiss me. Oh well *shrugs*. If you don't like, you don't like. I should know.

Last night they made me demand closure from Mr Orange. I didn’t want to. I felt that by him NOT responding that day was closure enough. They (Miss ChongChong, Miss PalnaPalna and Miss ChewChew) felt I did not give him room to answer since I immediately clammed up post-declaration. But I know him so well. If he wanted me he would have said it already. He didn’t. I get it.

"You’ve gotta be fair to her. She loves you. If you don’t love her, you’ve got to tell her!!"
... Rod Tidwell; Jerry Maguire...

They made me msg him: “I miss you.” I didn’t want to. I didn’t understand the purpose of doing so. Why should I subject myself to rejection repeatedly?? I’m already hurt enough. I didn’t understand the objective of having to do that!! Don’t we ALREADY HAVE closure?? I don’t understand. I could not understand and I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to do it. They were not going to back off either. They waited and they didn’t allow me to go home (we were at Kota Kemuning and I wasn’t the one driving). They insisted I took their advice. Their excuse was for all the time they heeded my advice it’s my turn to heed theirs. The funny thing is that I just realized I never once asked them for emotional help. This was the first time in many many years that I let my guard down on them and allowed myself to be guided. It was not easy. There were moments when I wish I didn’t ‘cos I felt they didn’t understand. And I kept going round and round the g*ddamn bush which absolutely irritated them. Now I know how it felt to be on the receiving end of advice. I was always so pushy with them to follow my suggestions. It’s not that simple to accept advice sometimes. In the end I succumbed (after a bottle of Miss ChongChong’s expensive red wine). I msg-ed. And as I had already predicted, he didn’t reply.

I began to cry. Haven't felt this broken since SunshineP. Which surprised me because all the while this was happening I didn’t even shed a tear but the moment the stylus clicked “SEND”, everything clicked and the sobbing began. Everything, now, is of no consequence because by doing this I LOSE him. It was my biggest fear. And here it is slamming into my face. I will from that second onwards LOSE him. I never wanted it to despite knowing it was inevitable. I didn’t want our fairytale friendship to end. It was getting so good. I never felt so happy in my life. But deep inside I knew it wasn’t the kind of happiness I wanted ‘cos at the back of my mind there will always be shrieks of doubt regarding our relationship that I was just too much in denial to admit. How did I let things get so complicated?

Anyway all that happened. And I took up Miss ChongChong’s fag offer. This is where nicotine’s pharmaceutical value is highly appreciated.

This marks something pretty monumental. First and foremost, he REALLY DID NOT FANCY ME and was indeed jerking me around. And secondly, I will have to cut this friendship off entirely. This was also suggested by Sophiekins’ tarots. It said: “that a risk had been taken and that things have been shaken up, he’s a f*cker, lots of mindgames were involved and what is left for me to do now is to be bitter.” Wait?? Wasn’t NOT being bitter the reason why I was doing all these in the first place? But then I realized that I HAVE to be bitter towards him. I never was. I loved him so so so so so much that I was never bitter to him. But now I know, I am prepared to be bitter to him. He lost out on me. I would have been so great for him. I’m a great person and he is NOT worth my time after all. And I suppose better now then having invested more in this relationship and have it blown into my face. OK. They were right I suppose. I’m worth so much more than this. I hope I can continue to convince myself this.

Frankly, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. Right now I’m kinda OK. Or maybe still recovering from the shock. It’s just that now I have to figure out how to move on.

“She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice”

…Bruce Springsteen; Secret Garden…

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