Saturday, April 15, 2006

"stop, tell me, what’s that sound? all them DUNZO mammoths in the ground"

No more Happy Thursday today and Happy Friday sounds off. So, fine, it's my birthday. At least I'm not on OBGYN duty so the holiday really helps distract the blues :D Miss WongWong rang me at 4 in the morning. She was down in London 'cos her parents were over. Ah Lau and her brother was with her. They met up with Miss ChuaChua and were in the car on the way to her flat. We had a brief yabber and I went back to sleep. Miss VeiraVeira called from Chicago at 7 and we chatted for an hour. Streams of msgs rivered in in between.

12:35

I'm seated on the carpeted pavement beside the cineplex entrance awaiting the cue so that I can then plop myself on their comfy plush couch later. I'm gonna watch Ice Age 2 on my birthday. Alone. And loving it. Today is a ME day. Perhaps it just goes to show despite my brilliant social interacting skills and my fascination for fabulosity / popularity, I'm really quite a hermit in the core. This pathetic recessive trait I got off Mmmy. It's fabulous that it's a holiday today. It's also fabulous that my maid came and cleaned my hell-hole. It's fabulous that I had a small quaint breakfast (blueberry cheesecake + grean tea blended cream) in Starbucks. It's fabulous that I'm halfway through that Blink* book I bought myself yesterday. It's fabulous that I'm liking the book and hopefully by the end of this book, I can improve my spontaneous cognition and thin-slice like noone's business. It's fabulous that I got into the queue early, scoring myself the seat right in the middle of the middle row: perfect (!!).

18:51

People tend to ask you how it feels like to be your birthday age. I do it too. I suppose nobody really knows what to say on someone else's birthday beyond their 21st. Usually I come up with something witty and everyone would laugh their ass off and that subject would be *phew* forgotten. I'd give them the same ole story of me not being the person I imagined to be at 25. Which is true. 'Cos when I was small, 25 seemed the age where people were real adults. I figured by the time I turned the big 2 5 that I would have been working [I would have if I’d stuck on to Pharmacy which makes me wonder whether I made the right move doing what I’m doing now], landed myself a fiancé or at least a VERY stable boyfriend (awaiting proposal: prompting giggles) and have started to finance my first property (house/flat/car whatever… usually at the perfect moment I’d add in ‘bicycle’ and it would send everyone into a laughfest). Comedy has been my most reliable defense mode. When Miss VeiraVeira asked me what my plans are NOW, I went into a brain freeze. I don’t know. I seriously do not know. I’ve always known what I wanted in life (refer to essential 3s above + bonus: lose weight) but now that I’ve come to the first quarter in my life and having achieved nothing of the above, I’m stumped. The only wise thing plausible is to extend the shelf-life of my 3 essentials and give it another 5 years. But I don’t know. It would seem as if I’m losing faith in myself but it’s more of losing faith in planning. I’m such a plan-plan person that now that I have no plans I feel so choked. Miss VeiraVeira has always wanted me to come join her in the States while Miss WongWong can’t wait ‘till I graduate so she can get me working on my PLEBS = join her in the UK. I always thought I wanted either one of those but NOW I DO want to keep my parents company. Miss VeiraVeira wonders if the Malaysian lifestyle would be encouraging. OK she comes from Oman so I can understand her view. She’s in Biotechnology and Oman pretty much has nothing to offer her in that field. Chicago, on the other hand, has the world to offer her in terms of a career and especially lifestyle. I’m in Medicine, it’s a different ballgame altogether. I do not have to worry about my livelihood if I decide to return home. She’s worried I will not have the social life I crave. I cannot judge this because I’ve never been home long enough to realize if I could live at home or not. My entire late teenage and early adult years have been spent everywhere else other than home. I don’t know if I will like or dislike being a KL yuppie. It’s plain and simple: I don’t know what I want. Everything I had wanted to do had been to please my parents. I liked doing that but I don’t know if I can keep on doing it. Also what happens next after I’ve completed that task? When Sid was convincing Manfred that the latter had to shut doors of the past in order to embrace the future, I cried [the two couples beside me must have thought me mental]. I’ve heard it before but hearing it from an animated slough on my birthday just amplified it by a hundred-thousand times. Making up for a crappy past has always been my drive. It’s the reason why I’m still here and chugging on. I cannot imagine if I have to start living for myself. What would I do? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m more perplexed now than ever. Then there’s the Mr Orange issue that’s slowly eating into my insides sending me further into the oblivion of bewilderment. Guess I’m more afraid of the future than I imagined.

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