Wednesday, April 05, 2006

love actually-ah

What exactly is love??

I'm so disturbed by the fact he is dating that old bag. In fact, it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so confused. I cannot differentiate whether all these emotions stem from me functioning as a protective friend or whether I'm, in fact, jealous. I don't want to be jealous ‘cos being jealous would mean that I am in love with him..??

Miss RemRem insists I take a chance at this. Taking a chance would mean revealing what I feel towards him. Honestly, it's too much of a risk. A risk that may be more than I can bear. There are times I feel like he is literally the air that I breathe. If I lose him, I'd suffocate. It sounds so extreme but this is how dependent I am on him. I told Miss remRem that if I eliminate this one single most important person in my life, I COULD die and it will happen ‘cos I can totally foresee his reactions. Miss RemRem begs to differ. She feels I have got nothing to lose 'cos who says I'm not losing him already (to the hag)?

The recent trip home revealed a different perspective in our relationship. Perhaps it's our beaming aura ‘cos I'm so f*cking happy and positive, perhaps it's ‘cos he's mini-dating and feeling fulfilled. Perhaps my efforts of heeding the advice of attempting to bring it to the next level could be working. Perhaps many things. The most significant issue, to me at least, is that we are more open in complimenting each other. He was looking through my Dopod images when he commented on how 'hot' I look in some of them. There were even compliments on my tits. Previously, he would never ever venture past those pastures. Then there was that night at Mr Blue’s place which was so weird... Like the time he stroked my hair and told me it felt soft. All the while when the flattery was rolling in, I went on platonic mode: meaning that I thanked him for the compliment and proceeded to explain how come it is so... that I really take care of my hair and all that bullsh*t. Is it possible that now he finally 'sees' me? Or am I just being perasan? I know he senses that I'm more physical and flirty ‘cos he told me so. Hey I can be as physical and flirty as much as I desire ‘cos I'm single!!

I wish I didn't, like, like him. I wish he wasn't such a significant figure in my life. I'm so confused and it's consuming my thoughts.

I cannot believe how much I’ve lapse. This cannot be happening. I cannot believe after all the effort and time it took me to get my FAT ass to my HAPPY place, that with just mere days stemmed by lots of confusion and self-doubt, I’m sliding down the g*ddamn snake to where I started from. I will not let that happen. I’ve been UNhappy for too long and I just refuse to go back there. At least not for now. At least not for a long long time.

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