Monday, April 24, 2006

*hope on deliverance*

Had been thinking so much today I sent my brain right into This is when the fear begins. The trip to Cibabat hospital was an eye-opener. The three weeks in Hasan Sadikin hospital had been so uneventful (which is exactly the way I like it) that hearing ‘bout all the things we HAVE to LEARN and KNOW and CARRY OUT from tomorrow onwards in Cibabat literally scared the sh*t outta me. I mean I’ve only watched one delivery. Watched, not deliver. That’s just lame: watched although far off better than Miss MuMu who has not even witnessed one but she did get to see a D&C (dilation and curettage = abortion) and I haven’t. I thought it was just a protocol thing this morning, as in orientation of the hospital and maternity ward, introduce ourselves to the chief resident and so forth when we went over to report ourselves to the new hospital. Suddenly as the chief resident was harassing us, asking how many tasks we have achieved, I realized that I know absolutely nothing. OMG. Here we go again with the me-knowing-nothing business. Suddenly all the fears of killing people rushed back into my system and I feel so lost I actually puked in my bathroom when I reached home. I’m petrified. The reality has started to kick in. I’m dealing with 2 lives: mum and child. If I make a mistake someone dies. I don’t want anyone to die. Means I can’t make mistakes. To not make mistakes means I gotta know stuff. I don’t know stuff. See where it’s going? OMG. Sh*t.

Right now I’m feeling a lil’ better. I popped in a couple of mefenemic acid (pain killer), got my aromatherapy crap going on and have Sigur Ros murmuring in the background. I don’t know what the fuss is ‘bout Sigur Ros. I must be challenged in the music-intellect department. The only great thing about their music is they help me sleep better. Would it mean that they bore me to damn death or that their music is soothing? Whatever it is, the headache’s gone so there must be something in the humming that works.

I’m afraid I will never be loved. I’m already showing the symptoms. I’m 25 and have no previous relationships. Everyone I ever fancied DID NOT fancy me [but they thought me ‘cute’. I hate that four-letter-word]. The ones that perhaps did fancy me I COULD NOT bring myself to fancy. I’m afraid nobody is gonna love me enough to want to marry me. I don’t know why all these insecurities are surging through me right now but they are: just like a lightning bolt. I suddenly realize there is a possibility I’m gonna be one of those creepy old spinster who takes tap classes and is a member of the Royal Knitting Club with 6 cats in the house and a cupboard filled with quilts that I made myself during my spare time. My life will be consumed by Chinese and Korean soap operas and Chicken Tikka Masala TV dinners. Every weekend I hunt down sales and cut out grocery coupons. How is it that noone I like fancies me?

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