Monday, January 23, 2006

mirror, mirror, on the wall

It was the night before Surgery rotation that I went over to Miss KhaiKhai’s to say hi and drink her mushroom soup. Miss RemRem was around so we all hung out for abit. Miss RemRem had been meaning to consult my cards ‘bout her relationship so I did some interpretations for her. I, on the other hand, had no idea she was really gifted with tarots. I was never good at understanding tarots. She did me a reading [it was like a talent-exchange night!!] and I was just BLOWN AWAY!! Thing was, she hardly knew me but as she slowly revealed my readings, I swear, it was as if she just peeked into my lifetime. I asked playfully about some boys I know and discovered answers that I knew yet didn’t know: like who’s the jerk, who I was in LOVE with [never thought I was], who I was NOT in LOVE with [and I thought I was], who has been nothing but and always be a deceit, who wants to love me etc…

Queen of Swords (tells about the person that I am and what influences my love life): independent, rational, cool, handle my own stuff, don't really give a damn about the world, boys think I don't need them around, I am bitter about it that when I see couples thus I harshly judge them.

I have 2 cards of 7 (strong lurrve cards wohh).

7 of Pentacles (my obstacles): I am looking for true love, very serious bout it, so far the up-built is of slow growth and I’m all about forward planning, only in long term will efforts show fruition but eventually it will… in order for that to happen, much patient is needed, I feel I put a lot of effort yet I should not feel discouraged and must be persistent.

The moon: I face a lot 2-faced people, rocky road, boys show that they are interested in me but they are not, I must find a sincere path, this is favorable for me because I know what I want, I have to take care, must use intuition ‘cos around me lies a lot of deceptive situations, a true path exists and it seems difficult but I must go on ‘cos as scary as it seems, eventually it will be good. Everywhere is filled with a lot of clandestine, I must be very very careful and use my wits to overcome a lot of these deceiving people around.

7 of wands (what I’m going through now): defiance, in an adversity point… a problem point, have to stand my ground, sometimes I feel like I have 2 stand up for myself, must have resolute, must be confident, must not change own self and must give myself credit, I am timid, self doubtful, undecided and all these negative emotions take place at the worst possible times, I must believe in myself otherwise defeat is certain.

9 of Cups (attitude of other people around me): other people have relationships which are very fulfilling, they have excellent social life, parties, have good friends, have fun and they are in places where people meet, they have good health, happiness and popularity. They have ease of communication with those they have or want, have new ideas that flow easily. It can all be mine but I need to have more faith etc so… now all that I am is at vanity, jealousy, complacency, overly sensitive, careless, tend to neglect people. What that needs to be done is not for me to envy them but me to build all the good things that I crave for myself.

5 of Sword (wat should happen if things don't change): If I keep myself in a bad place and refuse to change I will face defeat failure and loss. Must cut losses and swallow my pride, have 2 backtrack n start again on whatever I believe in, the course I am doing now n accepting change of direction.

19 The Sun: one of the best cards, reflects perfect happiness n nothing 2 hide outcome of love life and future, success glory happiness joy n achievement, I will meet person I love n joyful love affairs, pleasure, vitality, marriage, offspring, nothing negative ‘bout it, perhaps got delay in achieving the sun, possibly face minor setbacks on the way but will achieve it. A sure card.

So maybe I was in denial all these while. I knew all these things she told me (she did mention that tarots don’t tell the future but they can open paths and provide guidelines) but I always chose to ignore them. Mostly because I was comfortable in my misery. The one thing that really hit me hard was the fact she told me I have grown into an EXTREMELY BITTER person. It was the harshest reality I have failed to see all these times. It was the only thing that held me back and will continue to be if I don’t find ways to overcome it as a barrier. I mean I see my friends having so much fun and living their twenties as how it is supposed to be lived and yet the most exciting thing that has happened in my social life in 4 years is me giving Mr Semangka a stupid T-shirt yet if I think about it, I wouldn’t know if he even remembers my name. I’ve been such a miserable person being envious of anyone and everyone… constantly thinking my life is worse than theirs but in reality I’ve made myself the monster that I am. I chose to think those bad things about myself that no boy would ever give me a chance or that I’m such a loser that nothing great would ever come my way. I am, though, TRYING to learn to think differently of myself. It is VERY HARD. I didn’t think it had consumed me so much ‘till I decided I wanted to crawl out. That is when I realized that the hole I’ve dug myself into has grown so deep it will take quite awhile before I can truly recover. I am my worst enemy: her exact words.

*sigh* I always get so confused when I am thrown into such a path. I do not adapt well with changes and yet when I finally do, I do with great ease. So right now I feel like I’m struggling into my purple leather snakeskin halter (YES it is pretty kinky and I got it from Oasis), absolutely fatigued with all the tugging it requires just to get it up my ass. I’m halfway through the huffs and puffs and all my body is telling me to TAKE IT OFF. Like I said I don’t adjust to changes in a *snap* but this time I’ll keep going. Maybe after the 20th attempt, slipping it on would be as easy as my ABCs.

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