Monday, January 30, 2006

dog dog chiang

Very relieved that I did not have ER night duty yesterday or today. I am on, though, tomorrow which is pretty alright ‘cos Tuesday is Awal Muharram making it a public holiday so I can catch up on sleep then. I should sleep soon to conserve energy for tomorrow.

Sent an email to Sunshine P today. Just a brief note to say hello. It’s different this time. I don’t pause to wonder if I’m doing the right thing or not by sending him an email of which prior to this, I usually debate in my head a trillion times before sending / thrashing the draft. It all started when I started listing out boys in my life when I suddenly remembered I did not consult Miss RemRem’s tarots about Sunshine P. How could I NOT remember? Anyway I just thought I’d playfully ask about Sunshine P. I was not looking for an answer or craved direction. I have already closed this chapter of my life and as corny as it sounds, I’ve moved on. In the end, time is truly the healer. The cards spoke spookily about my current standpoint: that I’m taking a vacation from this ‘relationship’ to gather my thoughts, concentrating on building my own life, always in a hospital but not sick, moving on / closing this chapter of my life. The cards had some answers that I was always curious about: they spoke of Sunshine P requiring a change from me. A change from what I used to be. He is successful in terms of achieving what he went out to the world to fight for yet he feels so deprived. In fact, he is depressed and he constantly pauses to think of “what-ifs” between the both of us especially since he never gave things a chance with him taking into account the distance and the unlikelihood of us being able to get together. Now, he wants to be an influential person in my life: a father or a husband. There were lots of betrayal and misunderstandings. The conclusion of how we stand now is that: things could happen but it all depends on me. But should anything happen, the long-term prognosis would be a love-affair if I choose not to take the relationship in a different direction than what it used to be. There’re visions of a new beginning. There’s more but I’m just too weary to list them all. I don’t really want to think about it anyway. It was just to quench some inquisivity. I don’t want to raise more.

It helps to know he thinks of what-ifs. I’m past all that now but it’s reassuring that it wasn’t just a one-way channel all this while. I suppose in the end all I wanted to know was that I was loved. Genuinely. I always suspected he did and I’m not saying that it takes a bunch of f*cked-up cards to convince me so but it helps. Besides, I’m starting to improve myself on this whole self-confidence sh*t by easing into making myself believe that I am actually lovable.

Didn’t really know what to do for New Year’s first day so I decided to buy a couple of old friends lunch. Met Miss KhaiKhai and Miss TharThar at the grocery super mart and took them out for some Jap cuisine. Called Miss KosKos over too. Miss MasMas, Miss IyanIyan and Miss JoeJoe are in Malaysia or there’d be a bigger party. Bought everyone who bothered to msg me on the phone those so-called quality mandarins all wrapped up in posh plastic. Decided to get a bag of mini satsumas for my fellow ‘colleagues’ while at it.

Other than that, like I mentioned before, I should just menabung tenaga and get some sleep. It’s going to be a LOOONG day tomorrow.

1 comment:

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