Thursday, November 10, 2005

sigh VIII

Talking to Miss KhaiKhai gave me a dose of reality. I don’t want to go back to Indon on Sunday. I don’t want to start internship. I don’t know anything. They are going to bombard me with questions on the first day and I’m going to know nuts. I’m so scared and people apart from my coursemates will NOT understand. I mean having to have knowledge is one thing… then there’s the whole sucking up to seniors, residents and even nurses. ‘Cos 1 foolish step and the exile will lead me nowhere else except to the land of demise and failure. There are doctors’ habits I must learn up and memorize: e.g got 1 fella that require you to wear batik when taking exam. All those minor stuff that adds up to lot. And all I can do now is just cry and cry. SO useless. I’m so useless. Anything and everything… cry… only know how to cry. Sh*t. Makes me really think if all this is worth it in the end?? ‘Cos it’s not giving me anything but pain. And when I think it over… I mean the fact that I’m sticking to my guns in this means that I can never turn away from it ever. And I’m not happy doing this. IS this what life is really about? Being practical all the time?? I always thought it was about being happy or finding happiness. I don’t know what to do or which path to choose. I don’t want to break my parents’ hearts again. Not again. One time enough to kill me. It was such the steepest climb to get back where I am. Even till now I reek of my low self-esteem. 3 more days to Sunday: Hell Day more like it. For awhile these 2 weeks I forgot about everything. But inevitably, I will always have to go back there and I will always have to cry and I will always feel angry with myself and the world…

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