Saturday, November 12, 2005

"it's a jungle out there"

The 2 hours before I have to leave for the airport is usually one of the most miserable 2 hours I have to live through. At this moment everyone is asleep so I am alone... I cannot make them stay up with me because people have to work and so forth. Who am I to make them compromise their time for me anyways? I will worry about the excess weight of my baggage because f*cking AirAsia only allows 15kg per passenger and the money I will have to cough up for the penalty. I will be absolutely distracted and heavied down with what that awaits me in Indon: it used to be just exams but now it's clinical internship... having to deal with patients, sucking up to residents and nurses, trying to not get in the consultants' bad books... faking absolute friendship with team members and seniors. I'm not prepared for this. I feel so afraid. Like I know I will be walking through a forest of horrors and unknown evils but it is the only way if I want to get to the other side. These few days I have contemplated just setting up an abode this side of the forest. I don't need to venture ahead. I can just stay here forever. I wouldn't have to be so fearful and most of all why must I seek pain? But then I think. My family lay at the other side. And I need to get to them. Alot of things that cannot be achieved this side of the forest awaits me at the other. Thus, I shall have to motion ahead. I'm just so tired of having to think of everything else but myself. I question the purpose of life. I question the value of happiness. I am sick of crying. I don't want my soul to weigh a tonne. This wanting-to-give-up-but-cannot-afford-to story is beginning to sound old and pathetic. Why does it get harder and harder??

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...