Friday, October 14, 2005

*bintang di surga*

I don’t feel nice. I can’t even bring myself to watch DVDs. Today has been very merunsingkan.

Also I tried snapping at Ah Yung [he called it upon himself anyway. He should never ask a lady how her weight-loss curriculum is progressing when she, 10 mins ago, stuffed half a kg of strawberry cheesecake down her throat. He deserved it]. Anyways I thought maybe by being rude that I could pass off as being NOT clingy and with that things would be better. The plan sounded cleverer in my head. I feel horrible instead. I don’t know what to do. Still… b*tchy way better than clingy. We’ll stick to this plan for the moment.

It’s days like today that makes me want to slit my jugular vein. I can’t even begin to start describing how much I DO NOT get about life.

I’m terrified. Of being an intern. I am so scared. I really am. Maybe this is the real root to all my anguish. It’s not that I lack the self-confidence or that I’m just being desperately humble. I really DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. When I try to tell people this they just think that I’m being silly or that I need to have more faith in myself. How can I believe in myself when I literally know nothing? I don’t want to hurt people. But with me not knowing anything I seriously could. Everyone has such high hopes on the English Program students just ‘cos we’re the pioneer students in Problem-Based Learning. Worse is all the lecturers have been making such a big fuss about us and creating so much double standards between us and the Regular program that everyone’s eyes will be on us. Thing is they tend to forget that there are shitty students such as myself. We’re no better than them, alright that’s not true… I’m no better than them. I don’t want to be a disappointment (especially to Dr Tri) and I don’t want to fail my departments but how can I pass when I know nothing? I know I pledged to really take things seriously from now on and really use this opportunity as an intern to learn up my shit but when I think about it, a week of preparation is not sufficient to cramp in years worth of knowledge. Of course I’ll try, I mean, there’s nothing left for me to do but try. And the crappy thing is almost all the specialists know me somewhat. Maybe it’s ‘cos they find me odd with my name and my bouncy disposition. Some of them even think I’m bright, to my utter terror. I know this ‘cos when the exam results get released, they would single me out and ask me how come I do not perform as well as I was expected to. They don’t understand, I just come off as bright but I’m NOT. Oh G*D. F*ck. And I don’t want to give our English Program a bad name or let the Regular Program students ridicule us. Sh*t. I mean next month’s the real deal. Real patients. Real diagnosis. Real physical examinations and lab analysis. Real managements. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know who to talk to about this either. I’m afraid to tell my parents, who think the world of me, that I might not be fit enough to be a medical student and that I’m really just pretty much a failure. They don’t deserve this. And my friends… aiii… what can I tell them anyway? People look at me and they see this rock but they don’t know I’m shaking inside. I’ve been lying to the world and myself thinking I can make it through this. I’m in so much trouble and an even bigger problem is that I don’t know how to creep out of this quicksand. All I do is struggle about which makes me sink further and further in. F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK.

These few days I tried to formulate a way of talking about this matter to Ah Choy without sounding clingy. But in the end, just too much of an effort so better not to say anything about it.

*sigh* Wish I wasn’t so useless or so weak or so dumb. Most of all I HATE Ah Blu for being so f*cking successful. I hate him so much. That’s why being a doctor is so important right now ‘cos I really cannot wait till the day I bloody am one so I can walk up to him and plaster my name card all over his f*cked up face. And he’ll have to take back all those dreadful things he ever said about me in front of Dddy. ‘Stupid’ daughter huh?? We’ll see about that!! 2 more years. 2 more years is all I need. Then we’ll see who sets the standard.

Look at what I’ve turned into.

1 comment:

yeahway said...

hmmm.. maybe i shouldn't have mentioned anything about being clingy - if i have effectively destroyed your only living source of venting (alwyn; who ever he may be).

As for the snapping part. I really do beg your pardon, but it must have bounced off me. I didn't realise! haha.

But, is it a crime to enquire as to your well being? If my memory serves correct, you did mentioned that you were on some exercise regime. Me, being thoughtful, decided to enquire on your well being. But as my enquiry is obviously misplaced and misassumed, I shall cease to do so.

Good day to your Dr. Kho! :p

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