Wednesday, September 21, 2005

sigh VII

*sigh* I think this emotional dependency on Ah Choy is getting too outta control. I remember, once, he did mention it before. He didn’t say it was TOO much. But he said that maybe I turn to him so much because I lack a figure in the boyfriend department. Not his exact words but I summed it up as such. I know that whenever I invite him out on private trips he doesn’t really feel comfortable ‘cos it seems very, umm, couple-y. Didn’t mean it to feel that way but I SO love hanging out with him. Sounds so f*ck ass MUSH. Aisay. Sometimes I try to NOT msg him or NOT ask him out on outings but then life gets B O R I N G. I really should find MORE male friends but I don’t know any other people I wanna spend time with.
Problem is I don’t particularly enjoy going out with Ah Yeoh ‘cos there are times when he says loadsa wrong things at times and he can be so silly that it’s not endearing anymore, it’s bordering on nauseating. As for Ah Ng, after the entire I-had/have-cancer… ahem… misunderstanding, I can never look at him the same way ever. Actually I’ve lost all of my adoration for him. So now he’s just a mere ordinary acquaintance to me. Should note that I used to have the biggest crush on Ah Ng back in high school. I fancied him for years. Form 2 + Form 3 + College (still perhaps, not so sure) + a tinge in 2nd / 3rd year uni. Got him and his first girlfriend together. Twas heart-wrecking then. Disliked layaning their phone calls to solve their sick ass relationship. But I still did ‘cos I liked him so much and he was nice to me despite it being in a very platonic way. Ah Yeoh and Ah Choy always make me tell them what it was I saw in him. I dunno-lah at that time I thought he was really cute and funny and sentimental and at times he made it seem like we got something good going and when he talks to me he made me feel like the center of the universe. I’m FAT mah. Of course I’d fall for sh*t like these. Cute boy leads you to the prom dance floor and puts your arms on his shoulder to Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo, how the f*ck do you actually expect me to stay neutral? And he’s not afraid to tell me he LOVES me, by (as a best friend of course). “Love you By.” He always ends the phone call that way. Aiya m*ther f*cker. How could anyone not swoon? I swooned-lah then. Anyways he’s outta the picture liao. I totally have zilch feelings for him. Ah Yeoh is adamant that something boleh dipupuk from this but I can earnestly swear that even if Ah Ng was served to me on a platinum platter, I can NO longer crush on him. Feeling’s gone. Finish. End of Story. As for Ah Yeoh. Aiya. I recently wrote him a card. To apologize because I treated him like sh*t after finding out he fancied me and to request for him to STOP being so corny with me. Adoi you cannot imagine all the kejagungan he tries to feed me. He thinks I’m one of his 16-year-old conquests and tries to win me over with ridiculous garbage like lame-ass flowery words which don’t even belong together!! I tried to teach him something whilst at it I, at least, hinted for him to start reading ‘cos his vocab was so weak and yet he wanted to Shakepearize his expressions. Bloody hell. Kok bisa?!! Aiii pokoknya the answer was EEEEHT. No. Anyway he didn’t reply me. In fact he avoided me for months. I was hesitant on meeting up with him this trip but Ah Choy thought I was being such a nut-head and proceeded to call him on the phone despite my protests to invite him out with us. But we’re c-c-cool now I suppose.

So now I dunno. I guess I will have to start being less needy with Ah Choy (even though he’s the only one who can absorb my pain). Or I’d risk losing this friendship entirely. I don’t wanna be so reliant on him as well. I should try to get a boyfriend then. But HOW?? Riddle of the g*ddamn sphinx. LOSE WEIGHT LOSE WEIGHT. I keep telling myself that’s the answer to all my miseries (that and yakking lesser) but the only thing I’m actually losing is my bloody f*cked up mind.

Aiii F*CK. Was all geared up to sleep till 9am and then awake all energized to tackle J-card day but got advancedly interrupted by msg from Ah TKL:

“hr SABTU wajib DTG ke A5 jam8 PAKE baju KULIAH u/ PEMBUKAAN prako TDK bs DIWAKILKAN, prako 3 mgu di JTNG, koas 1 MGU setelah LEBARAN”

It’s 06:45 which goes to mean that I had only 3 hours of sleep. In shock. Tried to immediately call Ah TKL but he off-ed his phone liao. Didn’t know what to do. Fwd-ed the dreadful msg to Miss MasMas and Miss KosKos. Logged online. Deciding whether to alter ticket dates now. Miss MasMas calls. We talk abit. She intends to return to sleep. I can’t ‘cos I feel like my stomach is in a fisherman’s knot. I wanna wail but the threshold hasn’t quite built up. I’m still all shook up. MSN-ed Ah Yung instead:

moi says: i hate them. they like to pounce on me. just got msg. woke me up with a start. have to go back by sat so maybe i leave fri morn. and things is thurs i got function sum more. so dunno whether wanna cancel thurs nite out or wat. if i go out thurs then means u no nd to teman me-lah i guess cos i come back lil late and u nd to work nx day. kekeke as if ur life depended on temaning me.
moi says: so cancel cancel all this temaning business. dowan to goooo. i prepared my spirits to leave on sun not friii!!!! and alwyn's not around to fix meee!!! they always like that one. i feel like crap. and sum more i got facial on fri so hard to get now cannot even go. so saddd.

*sigh* I dunno what to say no more. The fact that prako (pre-intern) is SO DAMN SHORT for starters. And the availability of even MORE holidays is such a shocker that I’m really not used to it. Also internship begins a week after Raya. I wonder if I’d still be able to be around Ah Choy’s birthday. Not like he’d wanna celebrate it with me ‘cos he likes to keep me separated from his male friends. He’s weird that way. I mean Ah Yeoh, on the other hand, wants ALL his mates to mix around. Anyhow I feel like utter crap now. Just waiting for the parental units to go off to office so that I can blast Sarah McLachlan's ‘Fallen’ and ‘Angel’ (my ultimate I'M SAD anthems) and blubber my eyes out. Feel so weak. Dowan to go. This is torturous.

Previously unmentioned…

(msg)Ah Choy: Mahai kena stop customs, now no cigarettes at all. F*ck. Damn siu bloody f*!! gt call last nite 2 retrn 2 indon 2day. F*ers they think I f*ing own airasia meh. TnKkLeong refus 2 go bak so I also.Ah Choy: Yeah, that’s d spirit. Don’t go back yet. Wait until I come back. Hehe. F*ck d bastards. Damn stress now, got only 5 sticks of cigarettes left. Woo ur headlah wait 4 u. want me 2 commit educatn suicide meh? Ya take tis trip as detox trip. Don’t buy spore ciggs. Damn mahal!! Think of all d $ u save n all d psp umds u cn buy!! Drink lotsa green tea, balance out d equatn abit. Ok I think I know wat I want liao. Philips key019. I email u pic. Thing is kl takde so cn u check if spore got. Also I dunno the price range so tell me price 1st so I approv or nt. Eithr tat or anya purse. Ipod nano.. ok resist!!Ah Choy: F*ck off, Damn chat hard 2 stand. Going crazy liao. I’ll check d stuff during d weekend and let you cn 1. take it like macho fear factor. Slept at 3am, then get instructn 2 return fri at 6am. Cannt sleep now but feel so tired. Sigh. D sucky part approaches nearer n nearer.
(msn)Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. sorry to hear that babymoi says: sh*t like tatlah my life. wanna say used to it still can feel sucky wanna say not used to it but already can predict these sorta shit always happenMiss ChongChong says: hey its only for a few more yrs ok. i know easier said then done.. but u'll get through it..
Miss ChongChong says: just seize each moment that u have..
moi says: no moment to f*cking seize
Miss ChongChong says: enjoy the good times n b strong during the tough ones
moi says: need to get bfMiss ChongChong says: hey having good time with friends is a bf
Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. u need a bf..
Miss ChongChong says: i'm trying to not want my bf
moi says: dowan to rely on ah choy for emotional support anymore
moi says: before he beh tahan me.
moi says: yah i need one-lah. all of u have own life already. i just want someone to be my pillar cos i can get really weak one. especially these few yrslah. sumtims just need a man to be a man, know what i mean
Miss ChongChong says: i know..
Miss ChongChong says: there is no one in indon at all?
moi says: noone i fancylah at leastMiss ChongChong says: nowadyas really hard to get good men u knowmoi says: i kno. why u think i'm single?Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. nowadays must settle for less..
Miss ChongChong says: u know we set a criteria on how we want our men
Miss ChongChong says: they dont exist or are taken
moi says: i kno. actually i dont have that hi stds already... as long as i feel comfortable with his company and he cn make me laugh is enuf
moi says: but maybe i dont socialise enuf so my circle so limited you see. in the end just the same ole boys i meet up and not like i can meet other ppl from them also
Miss ChongChong says: even finding that is tough..
Miss ChongChong says: i thikn so too u need to meet other men
Miss ChongChong says: buthonestly its tough when u're not working
Miss ChongChong says: alot of ppl fal in love or meet new ppl only when they start working u know
moi says: yah i guess like thatlah.Miss ChongChong says: so have to patient lor
Miss ChongChong says: before i work also. i thought every relationship i had is love..
Miss ChongChong says: its diff when pppl start to work.. the daily pressure n obligatios..
Miss ChongChong says: trust me.. that time u'll meet alot more ppl
Miss ChongChong says: maybe one day u'll fall for your patient
moi says: ah f*ck. have to wait so long. i need sumtin nowlah. at least these 2 yrs very crucial. i tell u if not have ah choy i already commit suicide at one point in my life last time.Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. how are u guys now anywaymoi says: i trying not be needy from now on
moi says: just decidedlah. dowan to kill the friendship.
moi says: so must tell him lesser things. which means i need to tell someone else things. and that has to be a boyfriendlah.
Miss ChongChong says: he is somewhere out there... somewhere..
Miss ChongChong says: sigh wish i could help
moi says: noone can helplah really
moi says: i also dunno how to help myself


yeahway said...

shelby.. shelby... so inexperienced....

what you do is you write a FORMAL letter to your university and say regretably due to te short notice, etc,.. etc.. you are not able to obtain a return ticket on such notice, hence hoping you would not be penalised etc etc...

I'm not sure how you obtained the message - but was through formal means? i.e. a letter of some sort? What was the original timing that was given to you to return?

Put it this way - their lack of effeciency is their own goddamned-fault... and no one elses. If they've decided last minute to haul everyone else's a55 back to indon - good for them, but u're limited by this thing called the blardy ocean. This is of course, assuming you put it in writting - and nicely at that.

U're not on MSN now - so i can't scold you for panicking before it's time! sheesh...

yeahway said...

Man... i'm crap - so many errors.

i meant to say :-

U're not on MSN now - otherwise, i would scold you for panicking before it's time! sheesh...

shelbybaby said...

don't scold me or i'll cry.

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