Saturday, September 24, 2005

"i'll open up my tightly shut feelings to you"

Airport (KL-BDG) ritual:
1. Start packing at 0300. Take a shower. Get dressed.
2. (Finish up on juices or food products I purchased before leaving: this trip was that unfinished fresh sake and lemonade = samonade, yuck)3. Wake Dddy up at 0500. He gets the car ready.
4. Put my jacket on. Wear my uggs. Help get the luggage into the car boot.
5. Dddy knows NOT to make conversation. We sit in silence. I fall asleep.
6. We arrive. I wake. He pulls over at stop no.7 and gets the luggage out.
7. I bid goodbye, wheel my luggage away and check-in.
8. Take-away 2 large KFC mash potatoes and a regular bag of chicken popcorn. Have my breakfast of 1 large mash and iced Milo. Take the escalator down.
9. Queue at the Malaysian immigration. As always they’d ask me, “Kenapa tak guna Autogate?” As always I’d reply, “Chip rosak”. F*ck don’t these people get it?? Why the f*ck would I queue at the ultra long line if I could blimin’ use the damn Autogate?? Get some sense!!
10. Walk to gate G-something. Either sit on the wait-benches or proceed immediately to queue in front of the gate entrance.
11. Proceed to be first in line at Entrance A. Watch morons queue at entrance B (for family with young children, elderly, disabled) only to be chased to the back of line A. Snigger to myself.
12. Enter the aircraft and walk the aisle right to the back of the plane. (In Husein Sastranagara airport, they open the back door as well and this goes to quicker exit in order to gain front place at the Indonesian immigration queue)
13. FLY.

Hate to be back here. Popped my left ankle so now it hurts like f*cks. They’re doing some silly refurbishing opposite my room so there’s just sounds of hammers BANGING and BANGING the entire day and it’s irritating like f*cks. And suddenly feel much desolation. I don’t know why the magnitude of this sentiment intensifies in 100-fold when I’m here. Was slowly spooning mash potatoes into my mouth when… aiii… I started to blubber for no reason at all whatsoever. So now all I have are 2 ears full of tears. Reached out to msg Ah Choy but decided against it. The de-clingitization has to begin NOW. Wish I didn’t have to. Wish Ah Yung didn’t tell me I was clingy. That’s me in denial. He didn’t have to tell me-lah actually, I was ALREADY sensing myself that I was venturing into that cling-on *hyukhyuk* territory and had intended to do something about it. He just made me act on it faster with intensified discipline. Oh well.

(conversation):
Miss MasMas: So your friends camne?moi: They suruh I jangan balik. Macamlah senang. Tak nak balik jadi tak balik.Miss MasMas: They takkan faham punya.moi: Tu-lah, aku pun malas nak explain kat mereka. Biarlah.
Just heard from Miss KhaiKhai that although prako (pre-intern) is going to be for 3 weeks in Jatinangor but there’s gonna be roughly 1 – 2 weeks of training in Bandung as well. Thus, the Raya hols isn’t gonna be as lengthy as I imagined. F*ck. Wanted to go and make out in Brighton. Miss NingNing is gonna hook me up with a so-called cute boy (according to her that is) should I come over anytime this year. Got me a little geared up :) I told her it HAS to be exclusive for make out purposes only and I don’t want any other hanky-panky business. She also added he looks like Joey from Friends. I’ve never fancied Joey, twas more of Chandler or Ross but never Joey. Well beggars CANNOT be choosers, as long as he has a little hot factor it works for me. I really need to make out. Haven’t in, like, 5 years!! Practically a damn nun now.
Decided to work on “Learning to lurrrve yourself, IS the GREATEST lurrrve of all” as suggested. OK Let’s start with why do I NOT love myself? I don’t comprehend this. What does it mean by me not loving myself? If I hate that I’m FAT and dumb, would that translate as I don’t love me? Puzzled. As much as society gives me a hard time for being overweight, I think I’m more embarrassed by my pea-sized intellect than anything. This in return makes me very guarded. The reason why I’m so cautious with my decisions in life is because I really cannot afford to fall AGAIN. I really cannot. It took me a long and HARD climb in order to get back up and brush dirt off my shoulder and even though I feel some accomplishment has been achieved I won’t really quite rest until… well… until Dddy and Mmmy acknowledge that they’re somewhat happy. I know they tell me they’re proud but I don’t really know for sure if they are. Parents are such mysterious creatures. I love them SO MUCH. Because they love me SO MUCH. SO MUCH that I don’t think there’s a measurement large enough to compute my love for them. That day when I watch my parents crumble because of my ridiculous mistake, it killed me inside. I knew I would never be the same again. Wiping myself out was on the cards. But I know my death would devastate the family more so it did not emerge as a preferred option. Remember I once said that our ultimate strength is our ultimate weakness. I found another strength of mine. My family *sigh* You know the rest.

(msn):ah yung: i'm not sure how to phrase it diplomatically, but i get the sense that, your concentration is diverted due to your insecurities - the need to please others above the need to please yourself
I just want them to be happy. I am happy when they are happy. Sometimes people gain happiness like that. There’re many paths to happiness, and sometimes it’s not just about making ourselves happy. I don’t expect people to understand. Maybe to them, the family unit isn’t much of a priority or a source of joy. There’s always 2 ways to look at things really. Everything has a shot at blowing up in the face. I don’t deny that. Maybe it looks wrong ‘cos I suffer in order to attain happiness but I would never choose any other way.

Aiii Mutha F*cka. My ankle is killing me. I’d better go do something bout it.

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