Friday, September 30, 2005

"lie back and suffer now, we've both earned our rewards now"

Had to sit by the door. AT least needn't stand. Damri bus rides last for 2 whole hours. Sometimes when it brakes or goes over a bump, I can feel myself being hurled out!!

I love it when the bus passes this shop. So pink and cute and affordable too I bet. Those Indons, they're so good for making generics of everything!! I never had a Barbie house.

They’re selling Final Straw in Tower Records!! Bloody shit I tell you. I bought mine for freaking £9.99 ‘cos I figured they’d never bring Snow Patrol in. Whadya know. They would after all. Bloody damn crap. All I needed to do was wait 8 months. I would’ve. I could have saved RM30++!!


My latest obsession is Swarovski crystals!! Miss VeiraVeira and I (SWAROVSKI SISTAS) were exchanging pictures of our fave Swarovski items and of whatever we already have. My! Miss VeiraVeira sure has loads. I only have the Ginger lock & key pendant and bracelet set. Though I have got the clear crystal button studs and a pair of butterfly danglers on the way but that makes it only a total of 4 items. I figured that was a lot already but Miss VeiraVeira has like 7 or 8 sets or something. I bet there are people who have more. Swarovski has been around pretty long, but since I’m such a snail when it comes to couture, I only got hyped up about it now. It’s an Austrian label and what makes it really special to me is that the metal-hold is made of Rhodium. I have highly sensitive skin and I can’t wear anything beyond gold. My grand-aunt Wee tells me that it meant I’m born to be rich. KAKAKA I almost fell off my chair!! So anyways the sales girl at Swarovski tells me that Rhodium is like a mix of white gold. And I was like WHOAH. It’s a pretty fine price for white gold. White gold is a cheapskate of Platinum and basically I figured, from her explanation, Rhodium must be some alloy of white gold and maybe silver or something. The next day I went to ogle some more and it was this other different girl who told me Rhodium was actually silver and I was given the wrong information. I was outraged. There is a BIG difference between white gold and silver. How could the sales people simply dispense crappy information about their product?? I mean freakin’ Swarovski even make them sign a contract ‘cos of the training they provide. Some training!! Keeping that in mind, I Googled up Rhodium and YES *sigh of relief* Rhodium is in the family of White gold. The latter lass should be fired. Kudos to former sales girl. I was formerly never a big lover for bling-bling (as opposed to Sophiekins) mainly because I’m allergic to sans gold metals and also ‘cos really cute ones cost a damn bomb. Look at Tiffany. I went there the other day with a noble attempt to purchase my first necklace / pendant bit. Looking at it from the showcase I realize that internet can really play tricks on your eyes ‘cos the pendant bit was SO MINISCULE. And for that they’re charging me RM7000. Out of my price range (FOR NOW). Poh Kong stuff on the other hand ARE SO LAME. Teddy bears and Mickey Mouse?? What the…?! Ugh. Which explains why I don’t wear jewellery. But all that is in the past tense now.

(msn)moi says: why u think they're so expensive?Miss VeiraVeira says: the braelet? ... detail and colourmoi says: hmm. i guess. still its just too expensive. i mean hello 700 bucks for a bracelet. i mean tiffany ok but swarovski. mannnMiss VeiraVeira says: exactly!!
Miss VeiraVeira says: hey anythime u buy Swa or any expensive jewellery... send me pics.. i like to look

moi says: OK hahaha i knowww what u mean. i too. it's like window shopping.
moi says: u a jewelklery kinda gal?
Miss VeiraVeira says: i do like it a lot but don't get opportunity to wear so much
Miss VeiraVeira says: i mean i wear the cheaper stuff
Miss VeiraVeira says: but not Swa very often
moi says: yah as for me i'm NOT a jewellery wearer other than that i'm naked
moi says: besides Miss IyanIyan thinks i'm such a BUTCH for not owning any jewellery

Miss VeiraVeira says: hahaha
Miss VeiraVeira says: is BUTCH same as DYKE?
moi says: ahahah yeaaah
moi says: she was so flabbergasted. she believes one way to actually hook up with guys is wearing nice jewerllery
moi says: i started by wearing a ring my aunt made me
Miss VeiraVeira says: well is makes you look nice
moi says: and now my first necklace purchase. miss iyaniyan will be so proud
Britney’s coming out with a new scent called Fantasy. Really excited about this ‘cos Curious was really crappy. It smelt like perfumed puke. And I was in such a hurry to finish up my Burberry Brit and Hilfiger True Star in order to have an excuse to get a new bottle of eau de toilette. Disastrous. Bloody let-down. Dior’s Miss Cherie did not live up to my expectations either. Now I’m absolutely directionless. I feel the ultimate shopping haven for perfume is Selfridges. I mean Boots Manchester City Centre is pretty good too but they only have mainstream stuff. The good thing about that place is that they have everything just lying there on an amphitheatre-like rack waiting to be tested. You could contract nasal cancer just sniffing up everything under the sun at your own pace with no one to hassle your behind. Selfridges isn’t accessible but they carry really cool unconventional fragrance labels i.e Viktor & Rolf's Flowerbomb.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"when you look to the stars in your eyes"

My favourite excerpts from Dan Brown’s masterpiece (at least to me it is one), The Da Vinci Code:

PHI. PHI. PHI. My friend, each of you is a walking tribute to the Divine Proportion. Even in the darkness, Langdon could see they were all astounded. [Me included]

The Priory’s membership has included some of history’s most cultured individuals: men like Botticelli, Sir Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo. He paused, his voice brimming now with academic zeal. And Leonardo da Vinci. [Wahlau!!]
The arrival of this stranger at the base of the obelisk was a signal from the brotherhood. It was a silent call of distress. [OMG their back-up plan damn keng chow]
Amon is indeed represented as a man with a ram’s head, and his promiscuity and curved horns are related to our modern sexual slang “horny”. [KAKAKA]
HITHERTO SHALT THOU COME, BUT NO FURTHER. [Whoahhh!! Damn good.]

‘But if Holy Grail is not a cup,’ she asked, ‘what is it?’ [Yalah!! What is it?? Don’t tell me it’s the uterus!]
‘These books can’t possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history I endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time.’ [Bet he’s talking ‘bout the Bible or Quran]
The Depository Bank of Zurich was a twenty-four-hour Geldschrank bank offering the full modern array of anonymous services in the tradition of the Swiss numbered account. Maintaining offices in Zurich, Kuala Lumpur, New York and Paris, the bank had expanded its services in recent years to offer anonymous computer source code escrow services and faceless digitized backup. [Wahhh damn glamour man KL]

‘I’m afraid every key is electronically paired with a ten-digit account number that functions as a password. Without that number, your key is worthless.’ [Bloody hell, use the Fibonacci sequence-lah!! It’s the damn Fibonacci!!]
‘The Romans hung a rose over meetings to indicate the meeting was confidential. Attendees understood that whatever was said under the rose – or sub rosa – had to remain a secret.’ [Very very cool]

‘That’s all?’ Teabing fired Langdon a scandalous look. ‘Robert, I thought you were a gentleman. You’ve robbed her of the climax!’ [KAKAKA]

‘Because Jesus was a Jew,’ [Ohh. I didn’t quite know that]
‘You’re wanted for murder, Robert. This scoundrel is your ticket to freedom.’ [Eh quite a smart move also]
‘My plane. She cost me a Queen’s ransom.’ [KAKAKA]

Meditation gurus achieved similar states of thoughtlessness without sex and often describe Nirvana as a never-ending spiritual orgasm. [Whoahhh!! Fuyoh]

‘But if the Sangreal documents remain hidden, the story of Mary Magdalene will be lost for ever,’ Langdon said. [Good point Robert Langdon]

‘Not exactly the ending I expected.’ That makes the two of us, he thought. [That makes the three of us]
New York Times sums up exactly what I felt about this book: Wow… Blockbuster perfection… An exhilarating brainy thriller. Not since the advent of Harry Potter has an author so flagrantly delighted in leading readers on a breathless chase.

Yes, yes, I realize The Da Vinci Code is sooo passé but I just managed to get hold of some spare time hence the extra-curricular reading. I don’t know why Ah Yung believes the book’s rubbish ‘cos not rubbish also. Pretty damn good in fact. I could even put up with the motion sickness while reading it on the bus. It really is the ultimate page-turner. I have got SO many pending books to be read. Trying to get them covered during these few weeks of pre-clinical training. Totally wanna lend Ah Yeoh’s Da Vinci Code to Ah TKL ‘cos this code crap is SOOO TKL!!

Gave Ah TKL / Mr Einstein Dddy + Mmmy’s gift to him. Mmmy got him a Raoul shirt and tie combo. Must have cost them quite abit. They wanted to congratulate him for obtaining the highest results in his Bachelor of Medicine in the history of UNPAD. They cheered for Ah TKL so loudly during the graduation ceremony that people actually thought they were HIS parents. KAKAKA. He has been coming over quite often. Poor boy, he must be bored to his wits at the new kost (dorm). Hah I bet he misses living with me!! He comes over and yaks for hours. Sometimes it gets too much that I literally have to send him off home. People find it bizarre that I choose to room in a different building than everyone else. Miss MasMas, Miss HaHa, Miss IyanIyan, the Miss Twins and Miss KosKos are all across the road from me. But I like my room. It’s gloomy and needs extra lighting but the toilet’s spacey and with some clever organizing it should be a pretty neat place to live in. Tomorrow Ah TKL’s gonna show me an alternate route to Jatinangor using the Elang Damri bus which he proclaims will change my life forever.

Reading Dan Brown reminds me of Sunshine P sometimes. ‘Cos he’s quite into conspiracy and I believe he would absolutely enjoy this book if he ever read it. We would have a ball yakking about this and it’s one of the activities I abso-f*cking-lutely enjoy doing with him.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

"i keep trying to understand, this thing and that thing my fellow man, i guess i'll let you know when i figure it out"

“I want real writers in this class. Fiction writers. You don’t write like that. You journal. You think because you change the circumstance and the settings that you’re creating but you’re not. And I’m not here to read the autobiography of Miss Jenny Shecter. Become a writer first, then maybe.”
… Miss Charlotte Birch (The L Word) …

It’s no wonder Silverfish never gave me a chance. I’m Jennifer Shecter. What a revelation.

The ankle’s a real b*tch. It takes me a million years to get some place. I’m back to having problems peeing (on the squat toilets). I can’t sleep properly ‘cos every time I turn about (which I do ever so often) the pang wakes me up like a horrendous nightmare and sends me writhing in pain. I thought the worst was over when the knee got better. It’s like The KNEE Returns(!!). F*ck. What really gets me puzzled is that I think I most probably popped it ages ago while dancing on the stairs at home but it chooses to hurt only now: in Indon where I need to catch Damris and angkots and walk up gazillion flights of stairs to get to the lecture rooms. Bloody f*ck. Miss MasMas’ ankle guard is helping but I really need for it to heal ASAP ‘cos I wanna go for yoga and get some chores done. I cannot afford to be disabled here.

L-R: Ah Dho, Ah Dits

L-R: Miss MasMas, Miss HaHa (Amoi)

L-R: Ah Prada's crutches, Moi

Bawal bakar


So, I was suppose to wake up at 5am to get ready in order to make my way to the Damri bus stop by 6am so that we can catch the briefing at 8am. Unfortunately I was too tired ‘cos of the weeping, thinking, and late night msgs that I absolutely f*cked up this morning. Thank goodness Miss MasMas was around to save the day. She managed to get hold of Ah Dintyo so we could hitch a ride from him. As we cruised down the toll highway, I couldn’t help but review last night’s conversation.



(msg):
moi
: I also watchg l-word seasn 2. nobody ask u not 2 go party n bump n grind u kno. Sum more stay in red light. So happy 2 kno u IN CTRL of ur life n tat smoking is so passé ;D (ah choy I want 2 apologize 4 being so clingy. I hv now since try 2 not b. pls tell me wheneva I start being clingy againb. I will also curb my habit of msging u at odd hrs bout crap. I kno it cn get irritatg at sum point). We shud celebr8 ur independenc of ciggs!!

Decided to tell him bout my de-clingization efforts. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe it’s the 4 hour crying or the stinking mood or the fact Miss MasMas thinks I should allow him to note this. Whatever. It might not have been the best move after all but it’s done. He did not respond to the words in the brackets so I suppose he DID think of me as clingy. OK. So now I know. Ah Yung was right. Sure sucks that he’s right.

I don’t have a graduation picture.
You know, the shots where I stand in front of the dean and I get my tassled flicked to the other side as I accept my certificate. Went to SBP office and it’s not there. Everyone has theirs but mine just wasn’t there. I don’t think anyone took it for me because they would have said something. Ah Dintyo tried to console me that we WOULD get another graduation picture when we’re done with our M.D.s. But that’s not the point. The nearest excuse I can come up for myself is that someone mistook herself for me and took my picture by mistake. I doubt it. I don’t have a graduation picture. And I really wanted those pictures so much ‘cos I didn’t bring my camera in and the whole world frames up pictures of them doing the certificate acceptance. It’s such an assh*le situation that I didn’t know what else to do but laugh. No more energy to cry.

Hence I did what all FAT people do.


“You eat your pain.”

… Alice Pieszecki (The L Word) …


Yup I did just that… the entire day. Mmmy doesn’t understand why I NEVER compromise a quarter of my luggage space for anything other than chocolate products. I don’t particularly know how to explain why I do this even though I know for sure that this action would contribute to the failure of my weight-loss program. Frankly, I don’t know where else to stuff the pain. I’ve run out of spaces in myself. I did find new storage spaces but it wasn’t fair to dump my emotional baggage on people I care for. Therefore since I can’t stuff it up someone else’s ass the next viable route is to stuff it down my throat.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

"i'll open up my tightly shut feelings to you"

Airport (KL-BDG) ritual:
1. Start packing at 0300. Take a shower. Get dressed.
2. (Finish up on juices or food products I purchased before leaving: this trip was that unfinished fresh sake and lemonade = samonade, yuck)3. Wake Dddy up at 0500. He gets the car ready.
4. Put my jacket on. Wear my uggs. Help get the luggage into the car boot.
5. Dddy knows NOT to make conversation. We sit in silence. I fall asleep.
6. We arrive. I wake. He pulls over at stop no.7 and gets the luggage out.
7. I bid goodbye, wheel my luggage away and check-in.
8. Take-away 2 large KFC mash potatoes and a regular bag of chicken popcorn. Have my breakfast of 1 large mash and iced Milo. Take the escalator down.
9. Queue at the Malaysian immigration. As always they’d ask me, “Kenapa tak guna Autogate?” As always I’d reply, “Chip rosak”. F*ck don’t these people get it?? Why the f*ck would I queue at the ultra long line if I could blimin’ use the damn Autogate?? Get some sense!!
10. Walk to gate G-something. Either sit on the wait-benches or proceed immediately to queue in front of the gate entrance.
11. Proceed to be first in line at Entrance A. Watch morons queue at entrance B (for family with young children, elderly, disabled) only to be chased to the back of line A. Snigger to myself.
12. Enter the aircraft and walk the aisle right to the back of the plane. (In Husein Sastranagara airport, they open the back door as well and this goes to quicker exit in order to gain front place at the Indonesian immigration queue)
13. FLY.

Hate to be back here. Popped my left ankle so now it hurts like f*cks. They’re doing some silly refurbishing opposite my room so there’s just sounds of hammers BANGING and BANGING the entire day and it’s irritating like f*cks. And suddenly feel much desolation. I don’t know why the magnitude of this sentiment intensifies in 100-fold when I’m here. Was slowly spooning mash potatoes into my mouth when… aiii… I started to blubber for no reason at all whatsoever. So now all I have are 2 ears full of tears. Reached out to msg Ah Choy but decided against it. The de-clingitization has to begin NOW. Wish I didn’t have to. Wish Ah Yung didn’t tell me I was clingy. That’s me in denial. He didn’t have to tell me-lah actually, I was ALREADY sensing myself that I was venturing into that cling-on *hyukhyuk* territory and had intended to do something about it. He just made me act on it faster with intensified discipline. Oh well.

(conversation):
Miss MasMas: So your friends camne?moi: They suruh I jangan balik. Macamlah senang. Tak nak balik jadi tak balik.Miss MasMas: They takkan faham punya.moi: Tu-lah, aku pun malas nak explain kat mereka. Biarlah.
Just heard from Miss KhaiKhai that although prako (pre-intern) is going to be for 3 weeks in Jatinangor but there’s gonna be roughly 1 – 2 weeks of training in Bandung as well. Thus, the Raya hols isn’t gonna be as lengthy as I imagined. F*ck. Wanted to go and make out in Brighton. Miss NingNing is gonna hook me up with a so-called cute boy (according to her that is) should I come over anytime this year. Got me a little geared up :) I told her it HAS to be exclusive for make out purposes only and I don’t want any other hanky-panky business. She also added he looks like Joey from Friends. I’ve never fancied Joey, twas more of Chandler or Ross but never Joey. Well beggars CANNOT be choosers, as long as he has a little hot factor it works for me. I really need to make out. Haven’t in, like, 5 years!! Practically a damn nun now.
Decided to work on “Learning to lurrrve yourself, IS the GREATEST lurrrve of all” as suggested. OK Let’s start with why do I NOT love myself? I don’t comprehend this. What does it mean by me not loving myself? If I hate that I’m FAT and dumb, would that translate as I don’t love me? Puzzled. As much as society gives me a hard time for being overweight, I think I’m more embarrassed by my pea-sized intellect than anything. This in return makes me very guarded. The reason why I’m so cautious with my decisions in life is because I really cannot afford to fall AGAIN. I really cannot. It took me a long and HARD climb in order to get back up and brush dirt off my shoulder and even though I feel some accomplishment has been achieved I won’t really quite rest until… well… until Dddy and Mmmy acknowledge that they’re somewhat happy. I know they tell me they’re proud but I don’t really know for sure if they are. Parents are such mysterious creatures. I love them SO MUCH. Because they love me SO MUCH. SO MUCH that I don’t think there’s a measurement large enough to compute my love for them. That day when I watch my parents crumble because of my ridiculous mistake, it killed me inside. I knew I would never be the same again. Wiping myself out was on the cards. But I know my death would devastate the family more so it did not emerge as a preferred option. Remember I once said that our ultimate strength is our ultimate weakness. I found another strength of mine. My family *sigh* You know the rest.

(msn):ah yung: i'm not sure how to phrase it diplomatically, but i get the sense that, your concentration is diverted due to your insecurities - the need to please others above the need to please yourself
I just want them to be happy. I am happy when they are happy. Sometimes people gain happiness like that. There’re many paths to happiness, and sometimes it’s not just about making ourselves happy. I don’t expect people to understand. Maybe to them, the family unit isn’t much of a priority or a source of joy. There’s always 2 ways to look at things really. Everything has a shot at blowing up in the face. I don’t deny that. Maybe it looks wrong ‘cos I suffer in order to attain happiness but I would never choose any other way.

Aiii Mutha F*cka. My ankle is killing me. I’d better go do something bout it.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Shoning Happy People Holding Hands!!

I HEART SHON. That guy up for the UVJ post. Usually I don't really watch Channel 16 except to lookout for HIM (not Shon) or to read those hilarious msgs posted up at the side of the screen. I luurve reading their crap. Miss MasMas and Miss KosKos think I'm so wu liao but it's really funny-lah. Not funny weird but funny haha. And those bloody msgs cost 50sen a pop. Yet I see them people msging as if money falls from the sky or something. Some stuff they say are so hilarious. KAKAKA. It's one of my secret pleasures. OK anyway a couple of days ago there was a slot on those 10 UVJ contestants. A lil pan yeh but damn he's so made for UVJ. His charisma blew me away!! Bet Malaysians won't make him the VJ, they usually opt for morons who can't say anything for nuts. Frankly almost all the other contestants are such dorks. But hey they look good so, as we all know, if you're good-looking you're already 70% a WINNER. In that sense, they damn stand a chance. Vote for Shon. Shon, date me!!

harmony

It’s already 10:17. And I’m feeling bad. I hate it when I realize it’s countdown to the trip to the airport. Maybe I should have just gone ahead to The Loft as planned. Still haven’t been there.

Previously unmentioned...
(msg)
Ah Choy
: Rebel. Don’t listen to them, they are d ones who need your money. Don’t start classes so soon. You can do it just like what you’re asking me to do. You know d amount of nicotin, tar n god knows what else they put inside. Its gets to you, like after 9 yrs and you do’t get the normal dosage. You do get cranky. Hehe.
moi: wat u mean by do like I ask u? eh beating an addictn is nt d same as ponteng class. Supposd go loft thurs but now hv 2 cancel. Again miss chance. waitg in line 45 mins liao cos jusco j-card day n every1 shop groceries like nobody business. Hd 2 do mum’s shop list. Damn bad mood. Nicotin is hardest substance abuse 2 kick. Its nt cranky just nt ur usual dose of euphoria n focus.
Ah Choy: What you mean miss chance? Don’t be a wuss n listen 2 them, take ur own sweet time. Go back only when you want 2 n not need to. Stay la. Damn sien ere, I know what. Come 2 singapore 4 d weekend, I bring you around. K.
moi: dunno whether u mockg me or wat but ur offer I almost cannt resist. Seriously. Aiii u shud hv invited earlier. I wud hv followd u tat Sunday. Sigh aiya u kno-lah they rule my life. Alwz did. In ur words: “mahai. Fuck offlah. They damn chat ctrl me. damn siuhai.”

I fear the law. As much as I SO SO SO really wanted to go to Singapore, in the end, I know I’d still pack my bags… wear my uggs… put on my Adidas jacket… and drag the suitcase to counter L, KLIA. I don’t know why I won’t defy them. I just won’t. And everyone gives me a hard time about it. Not that I’m gonna have to heave a heavy sigh saying “they don’t understand” and all again (which they don’t) but I fear the penalty would be more than I can stomach. And after some losses, I don’t want that anymore. Like how you threaten to put an ex-convict back into prison and his eyes well up in tears and in a whimper he begs you “Please don’t put me back there. Please.” Me three. It probably sounds so bloody ass melodramatic. But to me it is.

I was at the Swarovski counter in Jusco awhile ago and this dude (who I thought was kinda cute... aiii should have made conversation!!) bought the Harmony set. I think he did anyway. Wow. So Malaysians DO buy those crystal thingies. What do they do with it? I mean they bring it home… take it out from the packaging… place it on their mantelpiece… view. Finish. End of Story. I really should have asked him what does he do with them clown fishes. Maybe when he takes a bath he brings them in with him and reenact Nemo scenes. KAKAKA. Funny. I mean I collect Pooh beanies but it’s not the same. Pooh beanies don’t only function as a spectacle but you can hold them and nuzzle them against your cheek and kiss them and talk to them and throw them about without fearing they’ll crash to pieces etc. You cannot do those with crystals. OK you might be able to kiss it but the saliva might ruin the sheen and the edges poke. G*D if you’re listening. Please let me bump into him at the Swarovski counter the next time I come home so I can ask him what he does with the fishes. Thank you.

clinger bells clinger bells clinger all the way

Woke up. Got dressed and ready. Climbed into Dddy’s car and looked out the window as we cruised the streets of SS2. A word sneaked up and started TO consume my pea-sized brain:

The word was like a flea in my ear. Travelled with me right up till Soul-ed Out, Hartamas. Brought Mmmy there to taste the claypot lou shee fun.

L-R: Strawberry Margarita (F*ck you, don't think I dunno you sneak in shots during morning ciggy breaks) & Twisted Bolognaise. Aiii YUM YUM gila!!

Went home awhile. Dddy's penning his thank-yous at a column I left for him in the letter directed to Mr Whitman. Our family is grateful to him for allowing Sophiekins to stay at Shakespeare & Co and allowing her to work in the bookshop whilst she was in Paris. She had such a fantastic time there.

I couldn't even walk around Ikano in peace.



Orange-Carrot juice at Kim Gary's is SO DIVINE. Please go drink that joy juice this instant.

I’m CLINGY. AhYung thinks I’m CLINGY. It’s such a revolting word. I’ve always told myself to never be a person of this entity… it’s the last thing I ever wanna be: CLINGY. And then the bugger comes and tells me I’m CLINGY. Not emotional dependent but CLINGY. And I’m not even a girlfriend yet. Imagine if I was, I’d probably be called an OBSESSED CONTROL FREAK CLINGER. I don’t wanna be that kind of person. But for now, I’m CLINGY. Even just as a friend.

Wah last night I kena bombed kaukau. He really told me off properly-lah. Usually he doesn’t really say much besides “Bleh” or “Haha” or “Got to take shower” or “What” or “So” but last night… he sure had lots to say. Things that sliced through my heart some more. Worse than that, he intends to read my blog (probably reading this now, GO AWAY!! Shoo!! Shoo!!) regularly. I wanna hear them but of course when hear then sakit hati. No win situation. Feel crappy. I know I always feel crappy but today exceptionally crappy-lah ‘cos gotta leave tomorrow.

It all started with me yapping shit. Then it moved into something serious:

(msn)
ah yung: u wanna know how to get someone?
ah yung: stop caring
ah yung: learn to live by yourself
ah yung: learn to be comfortable with yourself

In my mind I was, like, OH BOY here we go. My mind mentally blacked out some things he said ‘cos by the time he brought the word “insecure” into the conversation I already started to cry. Lucky not on video MSN or sure MALU GILA WEI. Aiii got more:

ah yung: who likes it when pple are angry at them….? but u must stand up for what u believe in.. or live the rest of your live being dictated by someone else

I already told you, he's giving it to me properly. You think finish-ah? Not yet… got some more:

ah yung: u’re not at ease withyourself… how u going to find a bf?
Moi: (bawl)
ah yung: why are you clingy?
Moi: (*GASSSSSP!!!* He called me clingy.)

Despirited. I overdosed on dependency. I’m a friendship-abuser. I don’t want anyone to think that I cling to them like a koala on a eucalyptus tree. Have to stop telling people things. See-lah, tell some more ask some more. Now kena properly at the face. Padan my muka. I knew that it’s better to keep stuff to myself. People won’t understand. I’ve said it before. Why didn’t I just f*ing listen to myself? Knew it was a mistake to venture into that stupid world of sharing-your-thoughts. It was better before. It wasn’t but, well, better than people thinking I’m clingy. Back to old world. Kinda sad bout that. Old world very lonely place-lah. Better than being clingy. Anything’s better than being clingy.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

big spender: j card day

and you'd think the economy was in trouble...?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

sigh VII

*sigh* I think this emotional dependency on Ah Choy is getting too outta control. I remember, once, he did mention it before. He didn’t say it was TOO much. But he said that maybe I turn to him so much because I lack a figure in the boyfriend department. Not his exact words but I summed it up as such. I know that whenever I invite him out on private trips he doesn’t really feel comfortable ‘cos it seems very, umm, couple-y. Didn’t mean it to feel that way but I SO love hanging out with him. Sounds so f*ck ass MUSH. Aisay. Sometimes I try to NOT msg him or NOT ask him out on outings but then life gets B O R I N G. I really should find MORE male friends but I don’t know any other people I wanna spend time with.
Problem is I don’t particularly enjoy going out with Ah Yeoh ‘cos there are times when he says loadsa wrong things at times and he can be so silly that it’s not endearing anymore, it’s bordering on nauseating. As for Ah Ng, after the entire I-had/have-cancer… ahem… misunderstanding, I can never look at him the same way ever. Actually I’ve lost all of my adoration for him. So now he’s just a mere ordinary acquaintance to me. Should note that I used to have the biggest crush on Ah Ng back in high school. I fancied him for years. Form 2 + Form 3 + College (still perhaps, not so sure) + a tinge in 2nd / 3rd year uni. Got him and his first girlfriend together. Twas heart-wrecking then. Disliked layaning their phone calls to solve their sick ass relationship. But I still did ‘cos I liked him so much and he was nice to me despite it being in a very platonic way. Ah Yeoh and Ah Choy always make me tell them what it was I saw in him. I dunno-lah at that time I thought he was really cute and funny and sentimental and at times he made it seem like we got something good going and when he talks to me he made me feel like the center of the universe. I’m FAT mah. Of course I’d fall for sh*t like these. Cute boy leads you to the prom dance floor and puts your arms on his shoulder to Belaian Jiwa by Innuendo, how the f*ck do you actually expect me to stay neutral? And he’s not afraid to tell me he LOVES me, by (as a best friend of course). “Love you By.” He always ends the phone call that way. Aiya m*ther f*cker. How could anyone not swoon? I swooned-lah then. Anyways he’s outta the picture liao. I totally have zilch feelings for him. Ah Yeoh is adamant that something boleh dipupuk from this but I can earnestly swear that even if Ah Ng was served to me on a platinum platter, I can NO longer crush on him. Feeling’s gone. Finish. End of Story. As for Ah Yeoh. Aiya. I recently wrote him a card. To apologize because I treated him like sh*t after finding out he fancied me and to request for him to STOP being so corny with me. Adoi you cannot imagine all the kejagungan he tries to feed me. He thinks I’m one of his 16-year-old conquests and tries to win me over with ridiculous garbage like lame-ass flowery words which don’t even belong together!! I tried to teach him something whilst at it I, at least, hinted for him to start reading ‘cos his vocab was so weak and yet he wanted to Shakepearize his expressions. Bloody hell. Kok bisa?!! Aiii pokoknya the answer was EEEEHT. No. Anyway he didn’t reply me. In fact he avoided me for months. I was hesitant on meeting up with him this trip but Ah Choy thought I was being such a nut-head and proceeded to call him on the phone despite my protests to invite him out with us. But we’re c-c-cool now I suppose.

So now I dunno. I guess I will have to start being less needy with Ah Choy (even though he’s the only one who can absorb my pain). Or I’d risk losing this friendship entirely. I don’t wanna be so reliant on him as well. I should try to get a boyfriend then. But HOW?? Riddle of the g*ddamn sphinx. LOSE WEIGHT LOSE WEIGHT. I keep telling myself that’s the answer to all my miseries (that and yakking lesser) but the only thing I’m actually losing is my bloody f*cked up mind.

Aiii F*CK. Was all geared up to sleep till 9am and then awake all energized to tackle J-card day but got advancedly interrupted by msg from Ah TKL:

“hr SABTU wajib DTG ke A5 jam8 PAKE baju KULIAH u/ PEMBUKAAN prako TDK bs DIWAKILKAN, prako 3 mgu di JTNG, koas 1 MGU setelah LEBARAN”

It’s 06:45 which goes to mean that I had only 3 hours of sleep. In shock. Tried to immediately call Ah TKL but he off-ed his phone liao. Didn’t know what to do. Fwd-ed the dreadful msg to Miss MasMas and Miss KosKos. Logged online. Deciding whether to alter ticket dates now. Miss MasMas calls. We talk abit. She intends to return to sleep. I can’t ‘cos I feel like my stomach is in a fisherman’s knot. I wanna wail but the threshold hasn’t quite built up. I’m still all shook up. MSN-ed Ah Yung instead:

moi says: i hate them. they like to pounce on me. just got msg. woke me up with a start. have to go back by sat so maybe i leave fri morn. and things is thurs i got function sum more. so dunno whether wanna cancel thurs nite out or wat. if i go out thurs then means u no nd to teman me-lah i guess cos i come back lil late and u nd to work nx day. kekeke as if ur life depended on temaning me.
moi says: so cancel cancel all this temaning business. dowan to goooo. i prepared my spirits to leave on sun not friii!!!! and alwyn's not around to fix meee!!! they always like that one. i feel like crap. and sum more i got facial on fri so hard to get now cannot even go. so saddd.


*sigh* I dunno what to say no more. The fact that prako (pre-intern) is SO DAMN SHORT for starters. And the availability of even MORE holidays is such a shocker that I’m really not used to it. Also internship begins a week after Raya. I wonder if I’d still be able to be around Ah Choy’s birthday. Not like he’d wanna celebrate it with me ‘cos he likes to keep me separated from his male friends. He’s weird that way. I mean Ah Yeoh, on the other hand, wants ALL his mates to mix around. Anyhow I feel like utter crap now. Just waiting for the parental units to go off to office so that I can blast Sarah McLachlan's ‘Fallen’ and ‘Angel’ (my ultimate I'M SAD anthems) and blubber my eyes out. Feel so weak. Dowan to go. This is torturous.

Previously unmentioned…

(msg)Ah Choy: Mahai kena stop customs, now no cigarettes at all. F*ck. Damn siu hai.moi: bloody f*!! gt call last nite 2 retrn 2 indon 2day. F*ers they think I f*ing own airasia meh. TnKkLeong refus 2 go bak so I also.Ah Choy: Yeah, that’s d spirit. Don’t go back yet. Wait until I come back. Hehe. F*ck d bastards. Damn stress now, got only 5 sticks of cigarettes left. Woo hoo.moi: ur headlah wait 4 u. want me 2 commit educatn suicide meh? Ya take tis trip as detox trip. Don’t buy spore ciggs. Damn mahal!! Think of all d $ u save n all d psp umds u cn buy!! Drink lotsa green tea, balance out d equatn abit. Ok I think I know wat I want liao. Philips key019. I email u pic. Thing is kl takde so cn u check if spore got. Also I dunno the price range so tell me price 1st so I approv or nt. Eithr tat or anya purse. Ipod nano.. ok resist!!Ah Choy: F*ck off, Damn chat hard 2 stand. Going crazy liao. I’ll check d stuff during d weekend and let you know.moi: cn 1. take it like macho fear factor. Slept at 3am, then get instructn 2 return fri at 6am. Cannt sleep now but feel so tired. Sigh. D sucky part approaches nearer n nearer.
(msn)Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. sorry to hear that babymoi says: sh*t like tatlah my life. wanna say used to it still can feel sucky wanna say not used to it but already can predict these sorta shit always happenMiss ChongChong says: hey its only for a few more yrs ok. i know easier said then done.. but u'll get through it..
Miss ChongChong says: just seize each moment that u have..
moi says: no moment to f*cking seize
Miss ChongChong says: enjoy the good times n b strong during the tough ones
moi says: need to get bfMiss ChongChong says: hey having good time with friends is a bf
Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. u need a bf..
Miss ChongChong says: i'm trying to not want my bf
moi says: dowan to rely on ah choy for emotional support anymore
moi says: before he beh tahan me.
moi says: yah i need one-lah. all of u have own life already. i just want someone to be my pillar cos i can get really weak one. especially these few yrslah. sumtims just need a man to be a man, know what i mean
Miss ChongChong says: i know..
Miss ChongChong says: there is no one in indon at all?
moi says: noone i fancylah at leastMiss ChongChong says: nowadyas really hard to get good men u knowmoi says: i kno. why u think i'm single?Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. nowadays must settle for less..
Miss ChongChong says: u know we set a criteria on how we want our men
Miss ChongChong says: they dont exist or are taken
moi says: i kno. actually i dont have that hi stds already... as long as i feel comfortable with his company and he cn make me laugh is enuf
moi says: but maybe i dont socialise enuf so my circle so limited you see. in the end just the same ole boys i meet up and not like i can meet other ppl from them also
Miss ChongChong says: even finding that is tough..
Miss ChongChong says: i thikn so too u need to meet other men
Miss ChongChong says: buthonestly its tough when u're not working
Miss ChongChong says: alot of ppl fal in love or meet new ppl only when they start working u know
moi says: yah i guess like thatlah.Miss ChongChong says: so have to patient lor
Miss ChongChong says: before i work also. i thought every relationship i had is love..
Miss ChongChong says: its diff when pppl start to work.. the daily pressure n obligatios..
Miss ChongChong says: trust me.. that time u'll meet alot more ppl
Miss ChongChong says: maybe one day u'll fall for your patient
moi says: ah f*ck. have to wait so long. i need sumtin nowlah. at least these 2 yrs very crucial. i tell u if not have ah choy i already commit suicide at one point in my life last time.Miss ChongChong says: sigh.. how are u guys now anywaymoi says: i trying not be needy from now on
moi says: just decidedlah. dowan to kill the friendship.
moi says: so must tell him lesser things. which means i need to tell someone else things. and that has to be a boyfriendlah.
Miss ChongChong says: he is somewhere out there... somewhere..
Miss ChongChong says: sigh wish i could help
moi says: noone can helplah really
moi says: i also dunno how to help myself


Yung Ach Tung!!

Mr Yung,

I would cordially like to UN-invite you to readings of my blog. Come to think of it, I don’t even want you to look at the pictures as looking at pictures might spur the catalyst of further curiosity. So please yah. Be a good sport and NOT ever come here AGAIN EVER. Thank you for the tuition on links. If you persist in disobeying my order, I’ll send this picture to your chick and make BIG problem. And as a peace-loving apathic creature you are, I’m sure you ain’t want NO trouble, right babydoll? Right. Bisou bisou and bid this venue au revoir forever. Forever ever forever ever forever ever Forever ever...



Sexy Groovy Jazzy Funky Me. Boy I am your luurve kamikaze.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

soul-ed sistas


You know how since magazines make celebs empty their handbags and show the contents (surreptitiously hoping for real exclusive discoveries like cocaine-filled Hello Kitty balm pots or 100 Trojan Extra-durable singles etc…)? Since I’m the NEXT BIG THING, decided to let you all in a Shelbulous hand bag too. Just realized I haven’t been talking bout my FAT self in g*ddamn ages!! Must must. It’s not a FAT girl’s post for nothing. All my friends think that I carry so much junk. OK j’presente la Chanel Ligne Cambon bucket sac. Woohoo!! CHEER CHEER CHEER!! I absolutely love the fuschia pink lining made of silk (I think) and the mini zipped up compartments they provide you for storage of miniscule nothings. And the best part is the little strap that allows you to hook up any side merchandise you wish to purchase. I couldn’t afford that 4x3” minute pouch, though absolutely divine, that costs a whopping RM1000++. Nya m*hai. I believe this is the first time I said nya m*hai here because I never ever do so much but it really is of absolute appropriate for this occasion. But the strap is cute nonetheless. Inside my cutie bucket bag is:

a) house-key with remote buttons for automatic door
b) Louis Vuitton ceries change purse for change-lah bangang!!
c) Le Petit Prince purse for notes
d) Muji name-card holders for name-cards
e) Moleskine organizing folder to hold credit card receipts and other bits of scrap
f) Muji dropper containing saline
g) Bodyshop mini hairbrush for hairbrushing
h) Muji credit / i.d. card holder for credit / i.d. cards
i) Biotherm Glossy Shine luminous crystal gloss for lip glossing
j) Royal Gold Luxury Interleaf Hanky
k) iPod shuffle
l) Muji black pen
m) Usually I have a candy bar lurking inside but I already ate that Cadbury Flake (wahlau best choc in the world babydolls!!) and forgot to replenish stock

Anyway-lah. Day before yesterday was Saturday rite? And supposedly the plan was to go help Ah Choy get his PSP games loaded. But early in the day, Ah Yeoh msg-ed saying he wanna go jalan-jalan at Times Square. He tried contacting Ah Choy but couldn’t reach him wor. I told him to not kacau the latter ‘cos the fella had to work till past midnite on Friday so let him have his rest. Either that or he might have gone back to resume work. He quite chiarlat kesian. Then the whole day silent. Tiba-tiba at 14:45, got phone call:

Ah Choy: Assuming you don’t have a life, pick you up at 3. OK?moi: (%^&&%$^$$%^%@@##@@@^&*!!!) Ohr.
In the end Ah Yeoh was supposed to be in charge of the outing. Aiii immediately I lost interest. I not only dislike shopping with him (after Mid Valley experience enough to make my tongue turn shades of blue), I absolutely despise his lack in punctuality. So when Ah Choy sends sms “330”, I replied “I expect alrdy”. Then when clock struck 15:30, I wasn’t surprised I had to wait right until 4pm for the buggers to arrive *Sigh* Was my first time in Low Yatt Plaza-leh. Quite cool place. Lotsa comp fanatics and such. Raining testosterone-lah there. You cannot imagine what I found in one of those shops: PINK SONY MEMORY STICK!! Damn!! Didn’t even know those exist. Looks so so cutie :) Funny thing is it’s called Aibo. Well… wa AIII!! Sg Wang is brighter than I ever remembered. In the end, Ah Choy couldn’t find any stores that could help him load games for RM30. I was SO sure he could ‘cos those people at the PSP forum said it’s common to get it loaded there. Funny. Maybe they just didn’t like his face or something. I pula had to teman AH Yeoh up and down bloody BB Plaza so he can scout for yet another pair of Adidas trainers and mini DVD hi-fis. B O R I N G. I believe now when I recount the results that it was a wrong strategy altogether. Ah Yeoh should have shopped alone. I should have gone in search of downloadable games (they might have liked me enough to show me the wares since I ask moronic questions well). Ah Choy go find his memory disc. M*ther of ass. In the end the outing not so productive-lah. So anyways while having tea in KimGary, we’ve come to a realization that between the 3 of us, Ah Yeoh was the most successful in endeavors of lurrve. Yikes. Kinda goes to show what losers me & Ah Choy are. So anyways Ah Yeoh believes the reason why I’m still unhitched is due to the fact I don’t mix with boys enough. Point taken. True enough. I really only umm… hang out with 3 boys ever. 2 of them in person and 1 online. Yikes. But then again, I don’t really function well with boys. I f*ck up conversations A LOT. Seriously. Even more if they’re strangers. Then he tells me to start learning up on football, cars and technology. WHAT?!! I have to go learn about Beckham and Manchester Uni… oops pardon me… AC Mil… oops pardon me again Real Madridd so that boys can LIKE me??!! What sorta b*llsh*t is that?!! I don’t see Angelina Jolie ever having to go memorize who’s Arsenal’s goalie or umm… whatever crap mumbo jumbo bout car engine cc or how fast the newest Pentium is blabla. That’s crap. Never see The Pussycat Dolls ever having to do these sorta homework. So why must I? I don’t expect a boy to memorize Betsey Johnson’s spring / summer line or even know the latest hot colour to join the MAC lipstick family. So yah bloody hell that’s just plain stupid. So anyways just to irritate Ah Choy I did mocking goal cheers and jeers while he was watching the sports channel at an electronic shop. Kekeke. Funny.

Ah Yeoh has this big thang for skin-tight floral shirts now. G*d knows why. I mean I always thought it was a mistake for any label buyer to bring in such jenggg clothes and I figured they were asking for a sales loss ‘cos noone would ever buy it. I had to eat my words-lah. My own good friend is a big supporter for funky blossom motifs etc. Ah Choy asked me why I didn’t try to point Ah Yeoh towards the right way of fashion. Ayia it’s his way of expressing himself mah. There isn’t really much of a right way to fashion. I mean for me to say NO to his flowering threads is like him to say NO to my ugg boots. Which he does but I’m NOT going to be that person. And I don’t f*cking care about what people say about my uggs (mind you, they say very horrid things) so he shouldn’t f*cking care about what I say either. Everyone has a right to express their individuality.

Frankly, I’ve toned down my dressing A LOT when it comes to hanging out with them. ‘Cos Ah Choy for one absolutely CANNOT stand my style. And the thing is, I once asked Ah Zai (Miss ChewChew's balak) about this matter and he came up with a scenario that made me comprehend perfectly:
(sh*tty reenactment of conversation)
Ah Zai: OK picture walking around the mall without your bra on.
moi: Uh… OK yah.
Ah Zai: That’s what people feel when they look at you with your uggs.moi: What??
Ah Zai: I mean it’s not wrong but it’s unusual. Just like your boots, they’re not wrong but they’re still unusual. People would still stare.moi: Oh. (now I get it)
Ah Zai: Also, you could picture the most jeng item a boy could wear.moi: Uh huh
Ah Zai: Imagine him walking beside you.moi: OK I get the picture.
So yah. Don’t want them to have to be so conscious walking with me. But I still get the itches which explains basic Gap T-shirt in black (oh so normal) + blue Topshop Moto jeans (oh so normal) + Chanel Ligne Cambon bucket bag (oh so normal) + PINK UGGS (kuakuakua). I need that in order to breathe. At least it’s inconspicuous. I get to express myself more when I walk with myself. So there. Hopefully one day I’ll find a non-jeng boy who’d adore me and my pink boots. Holding out for a hero!!
He left already today. To Singapore for work for 3 weeks. Already miss him much. I cried. ‘Cos now it’s like a ticking time bomb to the moment I, too, have to leave. If Ah Choy thinks that he hates going to Spore then he only has a petite inkling of what I feel for Indon. Now that he’s gone, I’m gonna have to find another remedy to buffer the pain. Spoke to Miss MasMas on the phone after wailing for half an hour. Felt a lil’ better after that. Felt even better reading up some hilarious blogs and celebrity gossips. I really should learn how to put links up. I mean I tried reading Blogger’s help but when I tried to do something, it didn’t work out. M*ther of ass.

It gets so exhaustive having to hide my unhappiness from my parents. In a sense I want them to know but then after thinking it over, not the best idea after all. It’s wearing me down, all those fake perkiness and plastic happy façade. Sh*t. People think what that doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. But let’s say you take a dam wall that holds the reservoir on the other side and bang it once with a hammer. Nothing much. Probably just a chip off the cement. But don’t you think years and years of build-up stress would one day cause it to crack. And with that crack, the pressure build-up would overwhelm and next thing you know, the wall bloody crumbles!! Water rushes in, drowns the world. So don’t tell me what don’t kill me only makes me stronger. ‘Cos what don’t kill me now could always still kill me later.
It was Mid-Autumn / Mooncake Festival yesterday. Mmmy wanted to get Hotel Equatorial ones but the yolk sort with lotus paste was absolutely sold out. Peculiar thing was it’s one of the most expensive mooncakes in the market. A box of 4 could come up to blimin’ RM80. What the…?? And it sold out faster than the others. Most expensive becomes most elusive. Wahlau. The celebration doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Not really interested in carrying a lantern around town. It would be great to have a kid. I know the little rascal would have field of a day. Especially with the lantern selection they have nowadays. The battery-operated ones can even flap wings or move about. Wahlau again. Much has changed. Much has changed. Every year those lantern makers would have to come up with a new gimmick that would make the lanterns even cooler than last year’s. I cannot imagine lanterns of the year 2050.
So for dinner, Dddy brought us to a Japanese restaurant in Hartamas. It’s called Aoyama. It was really bizarre because Dddy never suggests food type apart from Chinese or the Mamak lineage. I had sake for the 1st time. It was fresh sake and really umm… yuck. I mean, people go on and on about sake and really I think there’s nothing to go on about (though it did give me real cute rosy cheeks for a bit)… Still it sucks-lah. Bleurgh :P Took Mmmy around. I GOT MYSELF MY FIRST SWAROVSKI SET OF CRYSTALS. It’s a matching charm bracelet and pendant + necklace. I only wanted to get the pendant ‘cos the bracelet seemed too expensive for me and I was so afraid I might lose it but Mmmy thinks I should just bloody get it. So it was more of a belated turning 21 gift ‘cos girls tend to get those when they hit the freedom age. I didn’t, so I get 1 now and they’re just so heavenly. Got some L’Occitane products for her. Learned how to properly apply the shea butter ‘cos it’s so tough to use but the results really just gave me such a kick!! My skin literally became a ‘shade’ softer. Seriously. Bought this gorgeous strapless tube from Warehouse that I’ve been eyeing like FOREVER. It refuses to go on sale and there’s never my size available. In the end, I opt to get it in a size 12. It’s such a lovely top. Decided to wear it to dinner with the girls at Souled Out, Hartamas. The meal was superb. Miss TanTan had this delish claypot lou shee fun. Miss ChongChong and I shared the woodfire Beefed Out pizza while Miss ChewChew had spaghetti bolognaise. Miss PalnaPalna had fettucine carbonara and everything just tasted simply YUM. We had sparkling red wine to accompany our drinks and the party of 5 was really good. Also Miss ChongChong knew those people at Souled Out good so we got like a complimentary Polaroid shot of all of us (which turned out to be SO pretty) and another of me drinking off this weird flaming tower of glasses. Almost like a Flaming Lamborghini but not quite and even better!! I think we all had quite a good time in spite of people having to leave early ‘cos of late night dates and early morning presentation. I sure wish I had a boyfriend. Everyone at the table at least have had 1. Not fair!!


Complimentary Souled Out polaroid: Miss ChongChong looking over as I downed the flaming business. You can see Miss ChewChew's hand up my back holding my hair from being fried crisps. See the lovely Warehouse top or not?? Chun-leh!!

ANOTHER complimentary Souled Out polaroid (thanks to Miss ChongChong and her major connections!!): Clockwise from top left moi, Miss ChongChong, Miss TanTan, Miss PalnaPalna, Miss ChewChew

I almost had to leave tomorrow ‘cos Miss MasMas called me up to tell me that Miss IyanIyan got a msg that there’s to be pre-clinical briefing tomorrow. I immediately tried to call Miss RachRach / Miss MusMus and in the end I managed to get hold of Ah Prada. It’s gonna be in Jatinangor and everyone had only found out bout it today. Also it seems that the closing date for certificate signing would be Wednesday. I was not prepared to leave at all. I hadn’t packed. I hadn’t organize the notes. I hadn’t everything. F*ck. In the end I consulted Ah TKL and he wasn’t gonna budge from home till Sunday so I suppose everyone will follow suit. F*ck them. I almost bawled in the Souled Out loo. Thank goodness I had so much of a good time so I could still hold myself together. They ALWAYS do this to us *sigh*

Met Ah Yung online and video MSN-ed!! Love to video MSN nowadays. It’s so cool. He just got back from work and I was high. Yabbered crap to him. Bet he thinks I’m nuts. KAKAKA he is so cute sometimes.

Monday, September 19, 2005

don't sad sad. be happy happy.

Email to Ah Choy (& c.c 2 other positively-challenged friends):

"wah, at first this morning i so damn bad mood one (thats why dowan to answer ur phone callslah). then suddenly see u so damn bad mood then see another friend also so damn bad mood then see ANOTHER friend also so damn bad mood. third time's the charm-lah. so now i suddenly damn good mood liao. also post-reading celebrity gossips on tabloid sites really made me feel SO much better. so while mucking about in my room, decided to take pictures with random fun kitsch lying delightfully around my furniture. nah show u 3 saddo dingos some pictures. make u laugh kaukau properly abit. don't you even DARE go and fwd this to ppl. immediately send to trash after viewing. if not janji you get syphillis!!"


cake chick


lager chick

rapper chick

Saturday, September 17, 2005

these are a few of my favourite things...

"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad..."

So. I bought some stuff. And I wanna talk about them.


First up is this awesome Miss Selfridge dress. Strapless. Empire waist (sorta). Diamante crystals embellishment. Cotton lace lining. Indian motif. It’s so pretty and even the length is great ‘cos it’s of the Petite range. The only problem is I CANNOT fully zip it up. There’s approximately an inch of gap which means I have to lose an inch of freakin FLAB or I’d never be able to wear it ever!! Other than that, it’s just SOOO gorgeous. I might never have an occasion suited for it but it’s gonna sit really prettily in my wardrobe. Sure have loadsa frocks like those in my wardrobe.


Secondly, the pink Guess heels. Dusty pink. Satin. Ruffled. Stilettos (ugh). Net finish. The moment Sophiekins and I laid our eyeballs on them, we immediately exclaimed to each other: Louis Vuitton KNOCK OFF!! And a darn good one too. Sophiekins already has one but not as intricate as Guess’ and hers is purple. The Guess version is real good. Although I will have problem walking delicately in them. Sophiekins says that there was a study out that some female feet have special arches that makes them a natural with heels, e.g. Sarah Jessica Parker. I used to be able to run in heels too back in the Brighton days. It’s been 6 years since and I’ve lost all ability to even be dainty in them.



Thirdly, a couple of Evita Peroni hair accessories. This will make the French chignon less problematic and time-consuming when I commence my internship soon. They’re so good. Cuties too.

Fourth up, my cutie pair of flat gold pumps. They’re from Topshop and they’re knitted!! How awfully adorable is that?? I already have a pair of green ones that I bought in Manchester when the family was there in February but gold with sequins make them SO much dressier.
LOVES IT!!
Absolutely *bisou* worthy!!

vanity fair

I woke up. Got dressed and ready with my crap of a hair. Missed Body Balance class so decided to skip gym for today ‘cos I’m in a somber mood (yoga makes me cry so doing yoga in a filthy mood is a recipe for disaster) and trotted off to The Curve to get a haircut. It’s a Friday yet everyone’s busy working their asses off to earn a living. So no invitation to party and especially no msgs or phone calls for hanging out purposes. This is where it sucks to be a student when ALL your friends are working. I mean if I come home for a week, they will all chau (serve?) me as it’s such a short period of time but now it’s coming on to 3 weeks so I have turned into more of a economy than a business class passenger in their lives. I’m used to being alone but being alone at home takes some practice.

Peek-A-Boo had a free schedule today so I easily slotted in with the stylist of my choice: Ah Gibson. He’s umm… a bizarre conversationalist but he cuts OK so anyway here’s how it looks like. No difference from the style I had before just 2 inches shorter and more defined layers. The style can't waver far 'cos my pumpkin pie face isn't very compromising. Was talked into getting hair treatment. As much as I try to remind myself: NO HAIR TREATMENTS, I end up succumbing. My hair was pretty shitty after all. It might have really needed it (Trying to convince myself I did right, cringe!!). It’s shorter now. A lil’ healthier maybe. It always looks great when you leave the salon. The real challenge is post-hair wash.

I wanted to get my brows done today. I heard of this place called Brownaissance or some sort like it. Supposedly corrects disfigured brows and more. Mine is really in bad shape. I’ve been doing a bad job for years and incompetent beauticians haven’t helped either. The only time I was ever pleased was when I got them waxed in a tiny beauty shop along Lime St, Liverpool. So I get them done there whenever I go over. Which is once in a blue cheese moon. Anyway after I got my parking validated at the concierge (OK important tip for all of you Martians who visit The Curve: every time you purchase / dine with a receipt over RM30 you are entitled to free parking. Just get your ticket validated at the concierge and proceed straight to the exit. You needn’t put it through that yellow autopay machine. Just go home!) I asked the lady there where this Brownaissance place was and she pointed out to the pile of flyers available on the counter. Aiya it’s brow tattooing. They offer semi-permanent ones too but umm… no-lah. Mmmy would be livid. So with a heavy sigh I proceeded towards Ikano to collect my laundered jeans and to get brunch: A&W. I’m a big sucker for coney dog + onion rings + root beer float.

Gave up trying to watch Rain Man. Bloody pirated DVD kept getting stuck. Napped awhile. And now just waiting for Mmmy to heat food up (her idea of cooking) for dinner. Just some gulai and curry the parental units brought back from their brief Kelantan trip. They’re anak Kelate-lah. Nobody’s on my MSN and the ones who are like Ah Choy and Ah Yung are too busy to yap. HE was online too. I didn’t know whether to say hi or not but I figured I had nothing to lose. We had a fleeting tête-à-tête. I know I’m inconsequential to HIM so he probably won’t remember who I am 10 mins post-conversation but I felt kinda squidgy nice after that. And watching the Daily Dancer reruns sent me guffawing down the street.

Isaac and Ervin. Isaac and Ervin. I must remember those names. They’re the 2 lil’ neighbour boys and I wave hello to them a lot but I keep forgetting their names. Isaac and Ervin. OK.

Dddy’s all geared up to go out. He’s even more happening than me. I told him to bring that pharmacist he’s supposed to entertain to Pharmacy in Bangsar. The waitresses supposedly dress in cute nurse outfits. I’ve caught a glimpse of it from the outside but never bothered to go in. He said he’d take it into consideration. I think he’s just pulling my leg when he says he’s gonna go clubbing. So I play along-lah!!

Friday night approaches. And I’m gonna have to stay in. I think Ah Choy’s too busy to remember 'bout shopping today. Besides I didn’t establish firm understanding that we’re to go out today so my fault-lah.

Someone at Cheers once said that: Loneliness is a good thing to share. Sure wish I could share mine with someone of equal mental aptitude.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

nan..whattttt???!!

YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE RAGE IN ME. IT'S PALPABLE. I'M SO F*ING ANGRY!!!!! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DO THIS??!! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO GO AND CREATE THIS SWEET CONTRAPTION AND MAKE MY SHUFFLE LOOK LIKE ULTIMATE COW DUNG TO ME NOW. THOSE PEOPLE AT IPOD ARE REAL @@@###$$$%%%&&& I'M SO ANGRY WITH THE WORLD. SO F*ING ANGRY F*ING F*ING ANGRYYYYY!!!!! I CAN'T SLEEP NOW. TECHNOLOGY CAN BE SUCH A B*TCH SOMETIMES.

P.S: I'm sad

Too Young To Die

"Tokyo-based artist Yoshitomo Nara is one of the most influential contemporary artists in Japan and worldwide. With a graphic style influenced by Japanese anime, poetry, graffiti, and punk rock, Yoshitomo Nara’s paintings, drawings, and sculptures touch the hearts of his audiences."

I was highly disappointed when I couldn’t attend Nara’s show in Christmas last year. I mean really good exhibitions rarely come to KL and when one did, I couldn’t make it! Double f*ck. Anyway fast-forward half a year and I don’t know why I even bother going to KLCC Petronas Gallery to check if there were remaining merchandise still lying around in their souvenir shop. Apparently they don’t even know who Yoshitomo Nara is. Bloody useless. Fortunate for me I managed to stumble upon a collection of postcard from his “Oh! My God! I Miss You” line in Kinokuniya. Yeayyy!!! My favourite images are:

Too Young To Die
Well
Sprout The Ambassador

I was delirious. I really wanted to get his art book too but I couldn’t quite afford it just as yet. Maybe next time. Nara’s work reminds me of an Asian version of Mark Ryden’s. I really like these sort of devilishly sly looking children art. So cutie yet so sickly. So twisted yet so tweety.

So I got the PSP yesterday. In that store just beside TGV cinemas at 1Utama (old wing). It cost me RM1199 ayiaaa RM1200-lah pokoknya!! So basically I’ve used up some of my saguhati for my Chanel Ligne Cambon and I was supposed to use the remaining money to get myself that personalized Be-A-Bag Anya Hindmarch purse but I decided to get Ah Choy the PSP value pack instead. Well my money wasn’t quite enough so I had to borrow about RM500 from Mmmy. So now I owe her big time and can probably afford to pay her only at my next graduation. Ack! The store people took quite a liking to me maybe ‘cos of my million and 1 moronic questions. I did my homework. I mean, like, wait a minuteee did they think that just ‘cos I dress like Jessica that I’d buy like Jessica?! Nuh-uh. Thanks to: liewcf PSP forum I absolutely knew what to ask about: How much? Discount? Which version? What’s in the value pack? What type of memory card? Etc… I love those people at LCF’s discussion forum. They were highly informative and I just totally had a crash course on PSP purchasing thanks to them. So after I bought it I wrapped it up in newspaper and stuffed it into an IKEA plastic bag along with an imbecile card and told him to come collect this IKEA deco that I got him. Kakaka. Told him it was pink and made of wood and clay. Don’t think he bought it though. His immediate response was “Eh PSP-ah??” On the bloody phone some more. Aiya surprise ruined. Anyway I think he liked it. He said he was lost for words. Wor. I don’t know how to let people thank me. I don’t respond to thank yous well enough. Besides I always felt it’s like an obligatory measure people perform when receiving gifts. I hate that. I mean I like to be thanked but… ayia dunnolah I’m psychotic! I really hope he likes it. I mean it’ll be a good substitute for boredom. I know much about boredom (I told him that too). Just wanted to give him something nice because he means so much to me. It sounds so dumb ass mush. I don’t want him to think that there’s more to this or something. Sometimes it’s hard to be nice. I try to make it sound casual. Japanese slippers casual. Oh well. Gift given. He still keeps asking what I want. I really don’t know. Maybe now I can ask for the Anya purse in exchange. Seems so lame. It’s not really something I SO want like how he SO wants the PSP. I thought of waiting but perhaps it’d make him feel bad. He leaves this Sunday. Already I feel my mood taking a swing for the misery bat. I’m going to miss him much. Whenever we go out, I have so much fun that when I get home, I cry. I weep because that afternoon I was delightful. How shittily crazy am I? It’s like I’m AFRAID to be happy. The FEAR of JOY. There is seriously something wrong with me. It’s the stupidest thing in the world. To be frightened of pleasantry. I'm scared because with pleasure comes pain. And I'm really tired of the pain. I don't know how much more hurt I can handle. That one time, when we went out to the Hartamas flea market and walked about The Curve. I was really blissful. When he sent me home I realized that I was happy the entire day and suddenly I felt really horrid. The anticipation for sadness worries me. But in that sense, thank goodness Ah Yung was around to save the day. I logged online. He miraculously was around and just proceeded to play me the violin. And I didn’t even have to say I felt crappy. I think I’ve probably mentioned this before. But he saved my spirits from demise that day. Maybe we’re connected by a weird manner of ESP. He fixes me sometimes. Them both. I think that there is alot of unhappiness to be channeled my way with all the goodness I've been enjoying.

I kinda like mahjong. Although there’s just so many mini rules. It’s confusing. And I have a problem getting the word “phoong” out of my mouth. It just cannot formulate as a word in my brain. Also I have problem realizing that I can already end a game. So there I am still sitting waiting wishing for some g*ddamn tile when I don’t need one. I can already open my tiles. Ack! I think I lost about RM20-30 that night to Ah Yeoh and Ah Choy (biggest winner-lah). Although the best part was at the last game, the 2 geckos proclaimed that that particular game would be the highest definition of who the dices truly belong to. So far it had been Ah Choy. I WON THAT LAST GAME. With MIRACLE card some more. Mother of ass!! Not bad not bad. We ate in my house. I got Fasta Pasta take-away (yucky foodlah, DON'T BOTHER TO EAT THERE). Tipped my bed over and used the wooden platform as the ‘table’. SO much fun. And I think the whole “reading newspaper” jeer is SO SO FUNNY. Good laughs good laughs.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

kampai!!

It’s a new day. Feeling much much better. Had a hangover yesterday. Thing is I NEVER get hangovers ever!! And what makes me even more surprised is that every time I go drunk it’s when I’ve been out drinking with Ah Yeoh + Ah Ng + Ah Choy. Quite malu. Tried to hide the hangover from the parental units. Pretended to be the usual perky morning me but felt like a rotten aubergine inside. Fortunately I brought a mini plastic bag with me ‘cos I ended up puking whilst on the way to lunch at Sook Yee’s. The first few times were pretty silent but the last couple Dddy turned around and saw my face down the bag. Crap. Mmmy wasn’t pleased. In the end they seemed kinda alright with it. Only because I’m absolutely putting up the best front ever (like it’s just some mini emesis and I’m really damn alright). I’m quite the actress. Really those Oscars people are absolutely making a mistake overlooking me.
Went to The Ivy the night before. It’s along the Asian Heritage Row. Wore my MNG plunging neckline blouse with MNG green silk flare skirt and black knee-length boots. Ah Yeoh + Ah Choy thought I looked hippy. Sh*t. Now I know what boys think. I thought I looked kinda cute. Sexy cute. But I don’t I guess. Just mere boho hobo really. It was more of an outing so that I do get to go out with Miss ChongChong and Ah Ng and get both meet-ups all done with. So everyone’s happy. Present: Miss ChongChong + Ah Clar, moi, Ah Yeoh + Ah Ng + Ah Bry + Miss WanWan + Ah Boon (Goon? Forgot… their friend)... Ah Choy: He came after all. He’s such a sweetheart sometimes. Besides, Mmmy says that he’s the one to be bringing me home. She’s right ‘cos now when I think of it he’s the only one who would NOT take advantage of me ‘cos for starters, he doesn’t fancy me and secondly, he’s REALLY responsible. It took a million years for Ah Yeoh to arrive as usual and there I was rushing at every ticking second thinking I was so f*cking late. And he happily arrives fashionably late. Bloody hell. If I knew I could have taken more time with the eyeliner and not, like, f*ck it up as much. Then he proceeds to tell me that everyone’s gonna berkumpul in Dharoos before convoying off to The Ivy. What the..?! Sh*t. Miss ChongChong was going to be so mad for keeping her waiting. It was already 10 pm and the appointment was 10pm!! Then instead of parking at Dharoos, Ah Yeoh starts circling the entire Uptown for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON.
(shitty reenactment of conversation)
moi: I thought we’re going to Dharoos?Ah Yeoh: Oh since noone’s there at Dharoos yet so go buy magazines first.
moi: WHATTT??!!
What the f*ck?? Buy magazines?? We’re supposed to already be one the way and he’s gonna buy magazines first. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to f*cking scream!! Adoiii now when I think of it, it seems kinda funny. Traveling with Ah Yeoh’s like this. He’s SO like that. So then we met up with Ah Bry and Ah Ng. Then we were all supposed to travel in Ah Ng’s Audi but in the end Ah Bry went to pick Miss WanWan up and Ah Choy drove his own Kelisa. It created a small tension between the group that Ah Choy wanted to drive on his own. And it worried me ‘cos he mentioned something bout leaving early which is why he wanted to go solo. Crap. I don’t wanna leave with anyone but him. And if he has to leave early then paii-lah. Where got fun like that?? Oh well. We made our way to The Ivy (supposedly in between of The Loft and Bar Savanh (??)). Ah Ng was peeved that I kept making sure that Ah Choy was trailing us. Most of the time I was just staring out into space but maybe the angle of my head looked as if I was really anxious to make sure he was behind us. KAKAKA. Funny. When we arrived, we kinda walked into the wrong damn bar (pointed out by a stupid f*cker) so basically Ah Yeoh and Ah Choy toileted in some random bar. KAKAKA. Funny. Met up with Miss ChongChong and Ah Clar inside. She got us a table but not a sitting sort. Sh*t. Better than no table of course. She opened a bottle of WINE not liquor. Ah crap. I had to open a bottle ‘cos everyone thinks a bottle is going to be open. Besides I DID want to open a bottle in conjunction with my graduation, just unhappy that my girlfriends weren't around. She made me down a few glasses of wine. And by the time the Absolut arrived I was a lil high. Music started picking up and I got down to jiggying with Miss ChongChong. Very fun. Downed the Absolut + Cranberry Juice with her and then with Ah Choy and then with Miss WanWan and then with everyone. Very fun. The char kuey teow I had at 7pm must have worn off ‘cos I became high really quick. Mixing of the drinks did not help at all. Suddenly I was drunk. Absolut-ly HAMMERED. Can’t remember much. Just lots of giggling. And during sobered moments I motioned Ah Choy aside to tell him that Mmmy kau-tai that he drives me home no matter what. After that it’s just more giggling. And drinking. And sitting down. Ah Choy dancing. He dances like a mechanical Kadazan hamster. Downright funny. Turning to my side and puking a lil’ on the floor. Miss WanWan and Ah Choy hoisting me to the loo and making me puke but I couldn’t. Someone was knocking hard on the door ‘cos I think we took longer time than usual. Ah Choy started yelling back at them. I didn’t want a fight to start. I suppose he gets quite violent when he’s high. I remember apologizing a lot and physically trying to make him shut up. Ah Choy instructs me to shaddup and stay put. I don't and continue to yap on and move about. Kakaka. Funny. Then Miss ChongChong goes home. I hear her making Ah Choy msg her once I’m safe. She makes a big deal outta this. He gets irritated. KAKAKA. Funny. Next thing I know I’m in the car and we’re whizzing down the highway. And I’m rambling bout random gibberish. I don’t know what I spoke about but I know that my mouth never stopped yapping. I just yabbered and yabbered away. Now when I think of it there were moments of flashback about me wishing I was a son… trying hard to make Dddy proud… will back off once Ah Choy gets a chick… he tells me he’s lonely too. F*ck. Not good not good. What about those stuff that I don’t remember saying?? I hope I didn’t say something stupid that I will come to regret. Abruptly we were parked in front of Dharoos. I remember yabbering some more then I touched the whole “I don’t wanna go back to Indon issue”. Next thing I know I was sobbing. Ahh f*ck. And Ah Ng was seated in the Kelisa’s back seat. So he heard. Ahh f*ck some more. Only Ah Ng knows bout my sh*t and I intend for it to remain that way. OK Ah Yung kinda knows bout it but I don't mind him too. And Ah Choy was yelling to Ah Yeoh on the phone about troubles of handling me. And then I puked out the window onto his car door. And he picked tissues up and wiped my tears and snot off my face. I was still yabbering on in tears and he tried to calm me down. I like it when he tries to calm me down ‘cos he treats me like a baby. And I like it when I’m treated like a baby. But I don’t remember much though. Just mere glimpses of scenarios. I remember kinda falling asleep. He shakes me awake. We’re in front of the Captain’s (pilot) house. He asks me to go home. I stagger into the house and plop onto the couch. My mobile rings. He coaxes me to go to my room. I do that and fall asleep on my bed. So that’s that.

I enjoyed being so pissed out. It has been ages. Last time I got pissed out was when I was perhaps with them over cheap tequila in some random cheap bar in Taman Megah. Or was it in The Cooler with my Lpool flatmates and Samantha and gang? Anyway all those happened at LEAST 4 years ago. But the aftermath is the real sucker. The hangover. And most of all the RANDOM RUBBISH that falls out of my mouth and into Ah Choy’s ears. He later told me that I told him a lot. A LOT?? A LOT?? What’s A LOT?? F*ck. AND THE BEST PART IS the boys discussed about me!! Bloody craplah I tell you. I told them all to disregard me. Rubbish only mah. Why discuss?? Don’t discuss!! I don’t need for everyone to know I’m psycho. It’s NOT supposed to be universal knowledge. Now it is. Ahh f*ck.
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