Monday, August 08, 2005

"take a second just to breathe, i pick my heart up off my sleeve"

My iPod Shuffle won’t fully charge. This is my second / third attempt (the blinking amber LED turns fluorescent green indicates it’s full) already. I failed the first couple of times ‘cos I didn’t have the time to wait till it fully charged and now I’m really gonna test it to see if it happens. It has to happen. I’m worried that the battery might have died or something and it’s only 4 months old!! I mean Apple products are really famous for their crappy batts but it can’t be thaaat soon that it kong-ed off already?! F*ck.

I just watched this movie Prozac Nation based on some international bestseller by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I’ve heard of this book but I never figured tales of depression would really appeal to me till now. I would like to read the book but considering my deficiency in the time department then the movie’ll do. Let’s just hope the director sticks close to the book. That’s what I usually hope for most of them books-turn-movies.

I get what she means by people not getting her. Sometimes I wish I was a writer so I could write all those silly thoughts that narrate in my head just like how Elizabeth does. Only a writer could do this poetically without it sounding like ultimate feces. Like the piece she did on Lou Reed for The Rolling Stones magazine. I could never write like that. That’s why I’m not a writer. Right now, my life is moving so fast that I hardly have had the time to think of my bad thoughts. And I’m doing what is asked of me: carry on. And I have been doing this beautifully for awhile now. I’m really crafty at masking myself to be some other person. It gets very tiring and I do catch myself absolutely exhausted on some days but it’s better to be doing this. I can’t afford to be on medication. Not if I’m still in medical school. In a sense I’m still able in control of myself and I don’t need a pill to give me some breathing space. Actually I do but let’s not start.

Silverfish rejected my submission. Again. It’s the 2nd time I’ve tried. I guess now I understand what it means to get your submission rejected by publishing houses AGAIN AND AGAIN. And I’m not even going to get paid for it. I just want the acknowledgement. That people think my writing is worth publishing. I’ve read what they’ve published. Absolutely stereotypical selections. A couple of the writers are undeniable talented but the rest of them just basically wrote on the right topic. And for that they made the cut. Malaysian publishing houses can be so cliché sometimes. They strive so hard to get the equivalence of the Western world that they don’t realize that good writings are the ones that don’t fall into place. The ones that make you laugh and cry at the same time. The ones that tell a story of a miserable humble bag lady but at corners of the pages make you laugh at her quirky antics. I wish they could see me smirk. I’m NOT saying they should choose me. I write nonsense anyway but they really should give people such as I a chance. I don’t think it’s important that I’ve actually read Hemingway or Wilde to be able to compose a masterpiece. People like f*cking Poe or Austen wrote just as they were, they didn’t have some f*cking Orwell to look up to. What I’m trying to say is, one man’s meat is another man’s poison. They should just learn to take a second look. Or hire a younger editor! You don’t need an old accomplished English lecturer to ensure a job well done. Maybe I should send this article in just for the kicks of it. I bet you this ends up in the cutting floor :D

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