Thursday, July 28, 2005

"when you try your best but you don't succeed"

I ought to study. I really don’t know what I’m doing not. F*ck me. Trust me to not take responsibility of my education.

I’m troubled. I’m troubled by the fact I just blurted my entire life dilemmas to Ah Yung the other day. I shouldn’t. Firstly, because I tell him TOO much about myself. Secondly, because he NEVER tells me anything back. I mean he tells me things like “Oh I’m sad ‘cos I can’t solve that SuDoKu puzzle.” That does not qualify even slightly as a lament! Mostly because I don’t really know him and who the f*ck am I to UNLOAD on a perfect stranger? OK so I’ve known him coming to 9 yrs now. But that doesn’t change the reality that I DON'T REALLY know him. Actually I think I do, I’ve done my share of homework, but the point is I’m in no position to put him in the listening end. I rant and gab too too much. But he offers me comfort. Maybe ‘cos he lets me yapyapyap about my shit without much judgement (or so I think). An elder version of Ah Choy but much wiser and far more intellectual. I can’t believe that I only speak of the 2 when it comes to men in my life. F*ck, what type of social life do I have?!

Also he miraculously happens to be around when I’m most vulnerable especially the night before having to return to Indon when my psychotic conducts go on overdrive. It’s like we have some ESP connection going on whenever I’m in need of some form of buoy. This trip that I’m home is probably the fifth time he managed to be around. And I’m getting very used to him being around. And it’s SO SO TERRIFYING because one day when he won’t be around I feel I might not know how to manage. I mean with Ah Choy being at the refinery and my girlfriends being too condescending for their own good (bless ‘em) I don’t really have anyone else. I don’t know who to talk to about my crap and it’s easy for me to speak to him because he was around since it all started. I know he doesn’t really remember much because I’m just a speck of dust in his social circle but he definitely means quite a damn lot to me. I guess I finally acknowledge this after all this time.

Actually I’m most afraid to drive him away from me. I’m really good at that when it comes to people. And it’s definitely terrifying.

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