Friday, July 29, 2005

*all the way*

I really fancy these sort of tunes. Very Millenium Marvin Gaye. I call it ‘poncy-poncy’ music. Right now I’m waiting for Miss MuniMuni to get the answers to Gastrointestinal System questions from Miss HaHa so that she can hover them here pronto and I can quickly compare them to whatever meek answers I already have, and get them stored in my bloody frontal lobe. I failed this paper so the remedial had better score me a B so between SOCA, I might be able to scrape an A which would be of real help to my GPA.

Miss WongWong will be getting married on Boxing Day this year. Both the church reception and wedding dinner will be held in Sibu. I’m not sure if my schedule would permit this but I sure hope so. Also early in the month of December, Ah Siv will be having his wedding as well. Wow. I guess it starts pouring in from now, them wedding invitations that is.

I’ve just finished the 1st season of Desperate Housewives! Mighty fine series and they sure make them up well. Teri Hatcher actually looks like she’s 28 or something :D You know, I’ve always wanted to be a housewife. Perhaps this show has made me think twice about making housecleaning and childbearing a career. I’ve always told people that I really don’t enjoy the thought of having a job and I really don’t mind if my husband was filthy rich and begged me to stay home and help raise a family. They shun me for my careless waste of a higher education and my consent to SUBMIT to my husband as he would hold control over all financial duties. I’ve always envisioned myself to be very much like Gabrielle Solis: not know what to do but shop all day. But in the end, I think I’m really a combo of Bree Van De Kamp and Lynette Scarvo. It’s Lynette’s ridiculously low self-esteem which is slowly eating into the destruction of her household. I should really learn from that. I mean, people go on and on over how one day a man is going to stumble upon me and be blown away by my enigmatic personality. But I don’t want him to just like me for who I am, I want him to lust over me like a Playboy bunny. That every time he turns a page of The Penthouse magazine, all he sees is ME (in an erotic position hyukhyuk). I want a man who thinks I’m cute and gorgeous at the same time. I know I am no Carmen Electra but hey I should have a right to want this in my man, right? Watching these women struggle to keep their family integrated and functional, it makes me sad to see how everything turns out because in reality, this really is how it’s like most of the time. We will always have to suffer as a woman, a wife and especially a mother.

It’s what people call sacrifice (in order to compromise).

Thursday, July 28, 2005

"when you try your best but you don't succeed"

I ought to study. I really don’t know what I’m doing not. F*ck me. Trust me to not take responsibility of my education.

I’m troubled. I’m troubled by the fact I just blurted my entire life dilemmas to Ah Yung the other day. I shouldn’t. Firstly, because I tell him TOO much about myself. Secondly, because he NEVER tells me anything back. I mean he tells me things like “Oh I’m sad ‘cos I can’t solve that SuDoKu puzzle.” That does not qualify even slightly as a lament! Mostly because I don’t really know him and who the f*ck am I to UNLOAD on a perfect stranger? OK so I’ve known him coming to 9 yrs now. But that doesn’t change the reality that I DON'T REALLY know him. Actually I think I do, I’ve done my share of homework, but the point is I’m in no position to put him in the listening end. I rant and gab too too much. But he offers me comfort. Maybe ‘cos he lets me yapyapyap about my shit without much judgement (or so I think). An elder version of Ah Choy but much wiser and far more intellectual. I can’t believe that I only speak of the 2 when it comes to men in my life. F*ck, what type of social life do I have?!

Also he miraculously happens to be around when I’m most vulnerable especially the night before having to return to Indon when my psychotic conducts go on overdrive. It’s like we have some ESP connection going on whenever I’m in need of some form of buoy. This trip that I’m home is probably the fifth time he managed to be around. And I’m getting very used to him being around. And it’s SO SO TERRIFYING because one day when he won’t be around I feel I might not know how to manage. I mean with Ah Choy being at the refinery and my girlfriends being too condescending for their own good (bless ‘em) I don’t really have anyone else. I don’t know who to talk to about my crap and it’s easy for me to speak to him because he was around since it all started. I know he doesn’t really remember much because I’m just a speck of dust in his social circle but he definitely means quite a damn lot to me. I guess I finally acknowledge this after all this time.

Actually I’m most afraid to drive him away from me. I’m really good at that when it comes to people. And it’s definitely terrifying.

Monday, July 18, 2005

*follow through*

How come I’m not surprised that crap is being laden down the path of my life? Yesterday was Judicial I. I failed all my 4 MDEs and 3 departments (yes, they finally released the ‘departmental’ bomb to explode in my face after 4 f*cking years). So basically this remedial, I’m going to retake 11 papers AGAIN. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Why I can never have the courage to just stick with a few basic papers and try to score hard on with those? I don’t know. I was never born to risk. Ever since I was a child I’ve seen my parents never gamble with circumstances hence they taught me to always to do everything with security.

Hehe, I can still remember the look on Ah Choy’s face last year when I told him I retook 11 papers. He thought it was not the smartest move. So really I don’t know why I’m doing this again. When I look at the remedial schedule, I immediately sense a surge of fatigue taking over my mind and body. It’s going to be such a tiring and hard battle. *sigh*

I really HAVE to pass this year. I really have to graduate with my Bachelor’s (SKed). I really have to wear that hat especially for Mmmy. She was discharged yesterday. That’s good news. I think the most uplifting one is when Sophiekins told me she was cleaning out her hospital cupboard. That’s really Mmmy for you then.

Miss MaziMazi’ floppy was infected with the ‘kangen’ virus and when Ah TKL helped transfer the files from her disc to my flash drive (to help her burn her stuff), it infected the drive and now it has infected my system. It disguised itself as a minor thesis file and when I opened it my start-up button fucked up. I KNEW it was the bloody kangen file because I kena infected by it once in my old comp. Now it’s all over my C and D drive. Mutha F*cka!! I got so pissed. Enough and enough of all these shit happening to me already. So frustrated and bloody pasrah.

Anyway my seminar will be on Tuesday and I don’t think I’m going to do as well as I presume I would. Ibu Diah (she doesn’t wanna be called Dr) asked me some test questions and GOODNESS GRACIOUS they were tough and not something I could answer at the top of my head. Also I have to belanja the entire Medical Chemistry and Nutrition department on that day. Man. It’s going to be quite taxing on me financially. Fortunately I’m gonna go home after that.

Ah Kartik called up yesterday that he could do my ERP after all!! I was exhilarated. I was always clueless about the ERP business and as a regular person I would not have been able to get it done in a day. Only Ah Kartik could have the power to do that. He won’t be going to Jakarta and he’s doing this only ‘cos I told him my mother’s in the hospital which is TRUE. At least the ERP business is already dealt with.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

*Home: Michael Buble*

“Hey. Sorry in PD now. Off my phone liao. Nway I changed no oledi. New one is … Doing survey job in PD Esso refinery. Call u back on Friday.”

Speak of the devil. He damn panjang umur. To think I was just bitching (sort of) bout him hours back. Guess that’s why my msgs never really got delivered. Dunno why he never told me he changed his number before. My sentiments bout driving people away from me remain.

Miss PalnaPalna knows I’m home though. This Miss IyanIyan went and tell people who msg me that I’m back home. Bloody hell. I think she might be ticked off that I didn’t proclaim my return. I hope she doesn’t tell the others I’m home though.

This time I know how it feels like to be at the receiving end of medical care. Indirectly. How it feels like to be the patient’s care-giver. I will need to remember to be pleasant to patient’s family and offer them as much assistance and knowledge of the patient’s condition as required by them when I become a doctor. It sucks to wonder what happened and all that. I know this now.

Also nurses aren’t as scary as I’ve always imagined. I guess to patients they are really sweet. Similar to the doctor’s persona. It really helps to have a sweet nurse. But then again this IS a private hospital so they’re probably paid a bundle to have such cheery disposition.

I think Dddy and Mmmy are really heavily considering converting to Christianity. Dddy is really interested in joining the Calvary Church. I remember once reflecting to Miss MasMas regarding religion (she believes I’m a downright Atheist). I told her that if there’s one mistake my father ever made whilst raising us, it would be not instilling us with a religion. Because now when I think of it, I not only disbelieve religion, I absolutely reject it. By paper I’m a Buddhist but I really don’t accept it that much. I don’t believe in monks and know nothing about prayers or chanting. In fact I disbelieve ALL religions. I cannot accept it in some sense. All I can think is FAKE FAKE FAKE chiming in my brain when exposed to such matters. It’s definitely too sad a standing. In the end, when it all boils down to it, I have nothing to turn to in times of tribulation. I have NO faith. And really, when you’re down, it’s all that matters. I see all my coursemates in Indon (they are all very religion-based) and they seem to cope better than me. I never really quite knew the reason till I figured it out last year. I didn’t have faith. Everyone turns to their respective gods and the best thing about it is that they BELIEVE in the power of their gods. It must be nice to have such assurance. My father partially blames our lack for religion to the exploitation of the Buddhist religion by mankind. The Chinese local customs have fused tradition and Buddhism into something not quite of the Buddhist practice but then again Buddhism IS meant to be a flexible religion hence the ability to be abused. Also at times like this, Dddy feels the comfort offered by Christianity in terms of prayers done for Mmmy even by strangers. He told me last night he finally realized the value of having really close friends to offer emotional backing in times of woe. Because at current, our family sort of have none. We were never the kind to open up to people. Dddy had loadsa friends but he didn’t have ANYONE to confide to. We were used to confiding within the family exclusively. In the end, he chose Uncle Matthew to first share his apprehension (regarding the whole pancreatic cancer fiasco) with. Uncle Matthew has been very considerate throughout. It seems Uncle Tony and Ah Kenneth were utmostly ready to lend a hand. They, with Uncle Matthew, helped comfort Dddy when he was festering over the pancreatic cancer problem on his own. It still doesn’t change the fact I dislike Ah Neth but at least Dddy can find some solace in their efforts or words of comfort.

Thank goodness I brought my bubble coat. It became darn right chilly in the middle of the night. I was almost shivering. Quickly stuck my feet into my Uggs and wrap my legs with my Power Puff fleece throw.

Have a new acquaintance: John from the Lit chat. He’s (SUPPOSEDLY, I mean we can never really believe EVERYTHING people say on the internet anyways) 24 yrs old teaching sciences in junior high as well as studying law. He’s Jewish and has a brother and 2 sisters. Last night he should have gone to see the Philharmonic orchestra and he lives with 2 others in a flat in Manhattan, NYC. I’m kinda addicted to his fascination for my intellect and most of all I like it that he thinks I’m hot. Of course my ‘hot’ pictures are somewhat photogenic enough to give him that illusion. But in terms of wavelength, we really really click. And I don’t think I’ve found a person my exact age I can really communicate with (exception of Ah Choy but it’s usually me gabbing away and he with his zen-like words). He used to call Australia a whole lot ‘cos he had a chick there. I’ve seen his picture and he’s NO Brad Pitt (self-admittedly) but I think my addiction to him surpasses the looks department and I really would bloody make out with him. ‘Cos I’m horny and ‘cos I like it that he finds me real cute. Girls love it when boys find them real cute. I think he killed me when he once asked me “Who did this to you?” with reference to my exceptionally low self-esteem and heightened self-deprecating remarks. I had no answers to that or at least I did but I didn’t want to relive past horrors. I guess my aconfidence is really apparent. I know boys seem to notice it very well in me: Ah Choy, Ah Yung, Ah CJ, John… must be a real turn-off. Anyway, I was thinking that if I were to go visit Miss VeiraVeira in Chicago somewhere this year that I REALLY might drop by to make out with him. He seems decent. It’s going to be my first time meeting someone to make out with them. It’s also going to be my 2nd experience of meeting an internet acquaintance after the whole disaster with DinoJr. Whoah. I know. This could be phenomenal. I could be quite the slut ;D I really will have to pull off the Kimberley Lim business real well. Kaka cool lah!!

*don't panic*


I’ve never overnighted in a hospital before. I never knew how it’s like to care for someone in a hospital till perhaps today. It’s approximately half an hour to midnight and Mmmy is (thankfully) snoring beside me. I’ve been meaning for her to get some good rest. The post-operative pain is killing her. She was never one to be able to contain pain. I think Dddy and I are better at that. Anyway they’ve given her voluntary-release painkiller where she presses a button when the pain is too overwhelming so it’ll release painkiller into her system. Pretty canggih huh. The neighbouring bunk requested for the lights to be turned down so I’m typing in the dark. Mmmy had requested for a private room but there isn’t one available. Pantai Hospital is definitely generating profit. Thank goodness there’s a socket here so my laptop is able to charge so it’ll take my mind off Mmmy’s condition awhile. Also thank goodness for my iPod. It makes staying over pretty fun. I just hope Mmmy is able to drink water without nausea / vomiting when she wakes up so that she qualifies for Milo later in the morning.

It’s NOT laparascopy after all. These old people got confused. It’s LAPARATOMY that Mmmy had to go through. It’s a pretty extensive operation in the sense the entire abdomen gets cut open so that the abdominal organs is visible. I suppose they must have checked through her pancreas and no reports on that. It wasn’t a cyst after all; they labeled her specimen: ovarian tumor. I think that fits it about right because according to my knowledge cyst should be filled with fluid while tumor can be filled with pus, blood or cells. I got to have a look at them: her uterus which is really kinda cute and her ovarian tumor (Sophiekins later reported that the Dr described it as a cyst with hair and tooth). I call it her unborn child. Sophiekins mentioned something real hilarious bout that, “Whoah, I was thiis close to being a middle child!” Dddy is surprised Mmmy’s previous gynecologist had not detected it before during her previous check-ups. I don’t think one can miss a cyst as huge as that (4 freaking inches!!) even on the USG but maybe I don’t know much myself so I had better f*cking shut up.Perhaps now my mind can roughly rest. Just need the specimens to be sent to the lab so that the interpretation of the results can be addressed and I can FINALLY heave a sigh of relief. I feel awful that Mmmy has to go through such pain. She’s old and shouldn’t have to go through something like this. I almost burst into tears when she mouthed out, amidst recovering from anesthesia, “Very painfulll…” *sigh* And worse, I can’t do anything about it. I wish it happen to me instead. I’d rather watch myself go through pain than my loved ones. *sigh* I was feeling real low last night or so and messaged Ah Choy for an sms chat if he wasn’t sleeping. He didn’t reply so I presume he must have slept. And just now at 10:30 pm today I wanted to talk to someone so I messaged him. He didn’t reply again. Funny. My messages haven’t been reaching the previous 2 times I attempted on different occasions in Indon although he did see me on MSN once and asked if I was alive. I dunno why he’s not replying my sms, he’s not like that. I guess he must be saving his credits for dating purposes. I mean why would he wanna waste his msgs on psychotic me anyway *sigh* I saw Ah Yung online awhile ago. And I went and blurt all my life crap at him. He must really think I’m such a nut (not that he doesn’t know that already). I really should know how to control myself but I really felt like talking to someone now. Anyway he didn’t have time to layan my nonsense-lah. I really feel I’m driving people away from me.I brought mum her IKEA duck-down pillow. She sleeps better with it. Also I brought my Power Puff Girls fleece blanket in case it gets cold. I was afraid I might freeze too so I brought my winter bubble coat and wore my Uggs. I just changed into my pajamas. I cannot sleep without my pajamas so its top priority that I bring it whenever nights are involved. Dr Diah just msg-ed me. The examiners haven’t received my minor thesis drafts. What the f*ck? I submitted the copies to A’ Iqbal to pass it to the Minor Thesis management team over a week ago before I came home. Trust the ‘team’ to be responsible!! F*ck now I’ve gotta run around town to get the drafts delivered by Friday. I’ve just msg-ed A’Iqbal to pass the 3 drafts to the respective people tomorrow but I’m not sure if it’s gonna get done. I hope it would have been done. Damn!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

silent sigh

Tomorrow Mmmy will go into surgery to remove her ovarian cysts. I know it’s JUST laparascopy which means its JUST minor surgery but I’m still really really concerned. I guess the 2 words: pancreatic cancer never really left my mind. A lot of things can happen in surgery: hemorrhage, problems wit the anesthesia and worse is if they found something we’d rather not know about. I feel like I’m being kicked in my gut every half an hour. I can’t really study, let alone think. Guess the crap never does end, does it?

I wish there was someone I can talk to. I wish I didn’t need to be so strong all the time. I suppose it’s worse for Dddy. He’s got to be strong for all 4 of us. I don’t know why I find it hard to tell this to anyone… WHY I DON'T want to speak about my fears but mostly HOW to. And I thought my plate couldn’t be any more occupied. I’m so scared. Scared for my academics, scared for mum, scared for dad, scared Sophiekins can’t get into pharmacy. And I thought the first half of the year was so taxing… this is even… sigh.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

zymogen

It’s been a somewhat rough week. Now I thought coming home (illegally) would just help me leave my troubles behind and I could maybe get some peace of mind. Clearly, I was mistaken. In fact, my troubles double-packed its suitcase and followed me home instead. First it was the whole trouble with my minor thesis seminar date which I really thought I had gotten all under control and it was set on the 19th of this month but then there was confusion and more confusion… drove me up the f*cking wall. And the best thing about it is that in the end, it just flipped back to its original date of 19th. Whatever! Then Sophiekins goes amissing and it drove me insane trying to get hold of her ‘cos she was supposedly on the way from Paris and I wasn’t sure if she flew there or went by train. She didn’t leave a detailed travel itinerary and so I didn’t know if she took the Eurostar or a flight and if she took a train she might have been in London and if she was in London she might be amidst the whole terrorist explosion business at King’s Cross. Anyway in the end I figured her password out checked her email and Easyjet itinerary (which I knew from itemized Amex billing narrated by the Amex operator) realizing only in the last minute she flew directly from Liverpool. OK phew for that. Then Dddy decides to tell me the agonizing trouble that has been burying his thoughts. Some lab value went amok during Mmmy’s general health check-up and the doctor came up with a probable diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer! It’s the worse of the worse. Low survival rate. Horribly painful. Go to any cancer ward and you’ll know that the bunk which the wailing sources from would be a pancreatic cancer patient. I couldn’t even swallow my saliva. Anyway after further CT scan, they determined that the pancreas was OK. But there was some cysts in her ovaries. One of which was 4 inches big. Huge. I’m still really concerned over the pancreatic cancer bit and will have to brush up on that tonight. It bugs me indirectly and I know this because I squint when I think of it *sigh* The trouble never ends, does it? Anyway she’s scheduled for an operation next week to remove the cysts. OK. And I heard Miss MuniMuni got a B for her seminar which is a shocker because this means it’s REALLY possible to get something lower than an A. G*ddd!

I don’t even know how to breathe anymore. I’ve been overloaded with chief concerns for a month now. So tired to even feel like thinking.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

blank

The second he put his John Hancock all over my papers I think I heaved the biggest sigh of relief ever heard. Right now I feel so liberated that I don’t really care much about anything. And my appetite is back. Craps for that but oh well. At least he signed. Now all there’s left is for me to put some finishing touches to my minor thesis and get them printed out in copies of 6. Submit them come Monday and wait for Dr Tina to confirm my seminar date. Whilst that, I’ve got to work on my seminar presentation and MDE remedials. I’m going home. Heck yeah! F*ck anything and everything! Now what I need is a single Exit-Reexit Permit of which I will assign for Ah Kartik’s assistance ‘cos I’m such a bimbo when it comes to visa and immigration shit. He charges me a bomb for it but better than having to tread there by myself. Hopefully he can get it done in a day so I can take the Tuesday plane home. FINGERS CROSSED.

Right now I haven’t done anything. Just basically lazing on my bed. I’ve had SO much to do the past f*cking month that now that everything’s sort of dealt with, kinda leaves me feeling bewildered. I just wanna go home for awhile. Plus Sophiekins’d be back. She’s bringing my stuff home like my Stella Adidas shoes etc. She’s in Paris right now working in Shakespeare & Co. It would be neat to catch up.

Miss RachRach’s arranging a trip to Bali for the entire KPBI batch. Cool. We’re dividing the week between Bali and Lombok just before Judicial II (report card day… or actually worse: declaration of whether you get to graduate or not day). I’m quite excited. I’ve already started organizing my outfits in my mind. Hehe.

Clothes are all that matters baby :P
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