Monday, June 27, 2005


It’s weird. It’s weird AND pathetic. It’s weird AND pathetic that sometimes you’ve got to watch doctor shows just to remember why you wanted to be a doctor in the first place, or at least why you’re working towards being a doctor in the first place. It’s not even the excuse of helping people or making money that gives you the drive. Sometimes it’s just watching good-looking actors act out your part with such charm and charisma that the feeling of “I MIGHT just be able to do that” rocks in slowly.

I watched ‘Scrubs’ today. I never thought I’d like it because I did once watch an episode of it and totally fell out. It had such dry humor that I swear if you decided to stick in a couple few more episodes up my nostrils, it’ll work better than any valium nasal suppositories. But today, everything clicked in. I know what they mean. I know what they mean by nobody knowing anything except you and your colleagues. I know what they mean by just letting it out on everyone except the patients. I know. I totally get that crack about the Foley catheter. I suppose it is kinda hilarious after all. Or perhaps it’s the fact I’m in 4th year. Or perhaps it’s the fact I’m in 4th year and still know NOTHING. God, nobody knows how scared I am that I’d kill someone. I really am.

I’m feeling better today. No tears. Good start. Or maybe I owe it to the high-carb lunch plus 2 cheese muffins and a can of Fanta Electric Melon (Must must drill the NO-INDULGING decree into that frontal lobe of mine tomorrow!). I’ve come to accept that I will have to NOT be able to submit my minor thesis and just take it to my stride. The moment came 2 days ago. So it’s been 2 days since, and I don’t feel like my chest weighs the weight of a mule sitting on it. I still am concerned when the old cow (as Miss KosKos calls him) is going to release his signature but not so much that I’m willing to let a bus run over me if he doesn’t.

So now, I might just go home for a couple of days during the supposed ‘seminar’ week since I’m off-limits to have my seminar then. I should. I’m feeling real under-the-weather here anyways. Don’t feel like telling people I’m going home. Lazy to layan their karenah especially since I haven’t graduated and am in the foulest mood.

I don’t think I spoke of Paul J coming over to my place. He did. No big deal. Just to talk business. Don’t think he’ll be coming over again. He’s so f*ck ass positive and totally in control and un-petty. Good leader material. Unlike me. I really enjoyed that couple of hours. It’s the whole exchange of editor-editor horror stories, real funny some of them. He’s a good person. I can tell. But that’s it in terms of that. He doesn’t fancy me-lah, I don’t know what was it that I got all hyped up about. I’m SO lame.

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