Friday, June 24, 2005

pasrah

I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so pasrah. It’s the most pasrah I’ll ever feel. He keeps rejecting my draft again and again. Now I really am the only one who will not be able to seminar on time. I know that there’s Ah Koso and Ah Sham but they hadn’t plan on working their minor thesis this semester anyway. It’s only because they found out it MIGHT be possible to graduate in August after all that they immediately got to working. I’ve worked on it from the start. He wants the students’ statistics back on the draft. WHAT?! Didn’t he say he didn’t want it on the paper like it was SO silly of me to make a fuss and put some fancy pie-chart on? I don’t know, I’m so confused. I’m so torn trying to impress him sometimes I forget that it’s my own f*cking thesis. I’m so tired. More tired of crying I suppose. It’s been a long long time since I’ve cried so hard. The kind where you meraung-raung dalam kepedihan. That sort. I’ve not had decent sleep for 2 weeks, all I do with any form of time is figure what’s f*cking wrong with my paper. The only good that amounted from this was Dr Suzy telling me she thought my thesis was rather interesting. I thought I had something good going on but then it gets all shot down when I go see him. He gives me this look and this reaction like “HORRORS, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU SUBMITTING TO ME??” every single time I go pass my work up. Let’s not take into account the fact I have to wait hours for him (to criticize me) and it takes me a minimum of 1.5 hours to get TO Bandung by crappy Damri bus. I really don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted mentally and mostly emotionally. I really don’t know how to make this f*cking paper work. I wish I wasn’t so stupid. Better still, I wish I understood all these sciences. I’ve sourced for help everywhere. Still he thinks that my draft is a f*cking disappointment. I really really don’t know what to do. A part of me has given up but another part of me still think it might work out in the end which is why I STILL click on these keys, print, bind and hail that f*cking white bus to Dipati Ukur.
And I get so scared just thinking of the next meeting. Really really petrified. I’m as petrified of him as I am with Dr Tri, ghosts, cicak, rats and crocodiles. I don’t think it’s normal to be so afraid of your supervisor especially they’re getting paid USD400 to guide you. It’s a whole load of money to be yelling at me. I really don’t know why he’s SO SO FRIENDLY AND SUPER DUPER NICELY SUCKER UPPER with those people around him but when he looks at me or perhaps other students, he gets so disgruntled. I don’t owe him a living. I’m paying him *sigh*

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