Monday, June 27, 2005


It’s weird. It’s weird AND pathetic. It’s weird AND pathetic that sometimes you’ve got to watch doctor shows just to remember why you wanted to be a doctor in the first place, or at least why you’re working towards being a doctor in the first place. It’s not even the excuse of helping people or making money that gives you the drive. Sometimes it’s just watching good-looking actors act out your part with such charm and charisma that the feeling of “I MIGHT just be able to do that” rocks in slowly.

I watched ‘Scrubs’ today. I never thought I’d like it because I did once watch an episode of it and totally fell out. It had such dry humor that I swear if you decided to stick in a couple few more episodes up my nostrils, it’ll work better than any valium nasal suppositories. But today, everything clicked in. I know what they mean. I know what they mean by nobody knowing anything except you and your colleagues. I know what they mean by just letting it out on everyone except the patients. I know. I totally get that crack about the Foley catheter. I suppose it is kinda hilarious after all. Or perhaps it’s the fact I’m in 4th year. Or perhaps it’s the fact I’m in 4th year and still know NOTHING. God, nobody knows how scared I am that I’d kill someone. I really am.

I’m feeling better today. No tears. Good start. Or maybe I owe it to the high-carb lunch plus 2 cheese muffins and a can of Fanta Electric Melon (Must must drill the NO-INDULGING decree into that frontal lobe of mine tomorrow!). I’ve come to accept that I will have to NOT be able to submit my minor thesis and just take it to my stride. The moment came 2 days ago. So it’s been 2 days since, and I don’t feel like my chest weighs the weight of a mule sitting on it. I still am concerned when the old cow (as Miss KosKos calls him) is going to release his signature but not so much that I’m willing to let a bus run over me if he doesn’t.

So now, I might just go home for a couple of days during the supposed ‘seminar’ week since I’m off-limits to have my seminar then. I should. I’m feeling real under-the-weather here anyways. Don’t feel like telling people I’m going home. Lazy to layan their karenah especially since I haven’t graduated and am in the foulest mood.

I don’t think I spoke of Paul J coming over to my place. He did. No big deal. Just to talk business. Don’t think he’ll be coming over again. He’s so f*ck ass positive and totally in control and un-petty. Good leader material. Unlike me. I really enjoyed that couple of hours. It’s the whole exchange of editor-editor horror stories, real funny some of them. He’s a good person. I can tell. But that’s it in terms of that. He doesn’t fancy me-lah, I don’t know what was it that I got all hyped up about. I’m SO lame.

Friday, June 24, 2005


I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so pasrah. It’s the most pasrah I’ll ever feel. He keeps rejecting my draft again and again. Now I really am the only one who will not be able to seminar on time. I know that there’s Ah Koso and Ah Sham but they hadn’t plan on working their minor thesis this semester anyway. It’s only because they found out it MIGHT be possible to graduate in August after all that they immediately got to working. I’ve worked on it from the start. He wants the students’ statistics back on the draft. WHAT?! Didn’t he say he didn’t want it on the paper like it was SO silly of me to make a fuss and put some fancy pie-chart on? I don’t know, I’m so confused. I’m so torn trying to impress him sometimes I forget that it’s my own f*cking thesis. I’m so tired. More tired of crying I suppose. It’s been a long long time since I’ve cried so hard. The kind where you meraung-raung dalam kepedihan. That sort. I’ve not had decent sleep for 2 weeks, all I do with any form of time is figure what’s f*cking wrong with my paper. The only good that amounted from this was Dr Suzy telling me she thought my thesis was rather interesting. I thought I had something good going on but then it gets all shot down when I go see him. He gives me this look and this reaction like “HORRORS, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU SUBMITTING TO ME??” every single time I go pass my work up. Let’s not take into account the fact I have to wait hours for him (to criticize me) and it takes me a minimum of 1.5 hours to get TO Bandung by crappy Damri bus. I really don’t know what to do. I’m exhausted mentally and mostly emotionally. I really don’t know how to make this f*cking paper work. I wish I wasn’t so stupid. Better still, I wish I understood all these sciences. I’ve sourced for help everywhere. Still he thinks that my draft is a f*cking disappointment. I really really don’t know what to do. A part of me has given up but another part of me still think it might work out in the end which is why I STILL click on these keys, print, bind and hail that f*cking white bus to Dipati Ukur.
And I get so scared just thinking of the next meeting. Really really petrified. I’m as petrified of him as I am with Dr Tri, ghosts, cicak, rats and crocodiles. I don’t think it’s normal to be so afraid of your supervisor especially they’re getting paid USD400 to guide you. It’s a whole load of money to be yelling at me. I really don’t know why he’s SO SO FRIENDLY AND SUPER DUPER NICELY SUCKER UPPER with those people around him but when he looks at me or perhaps other students, he gets so disgruntled. I don’t owe him a living. I’m paying him *sigh*

Friday, June 17, 2005

sigh VI

He hates my minor thesis. My supervisor, Dr R. I went to see him today armed with what I THOUGHT was a good complete minor thesis (considering I worked on it day and night for a week now literally with only 2 hours of sleep a day and meticulated on it to what I thought was almost perfection) that probably just required some minor formatting control or mini-additions here and there. I overrated my work. He thought it was a pile of trash and contained no information. He also believed I had horrible English because I sure as hell didn’t seem like I knew what a paragraph was at the rate I was going in my Literature Review. He’s utmostly taken aback with my singular sentence paragraph. “Don’t you KNOW what a paragraph is?” “It begins with an idea and have several other sentences to support that idea!” I know-lah. I didn’t have any other sentences to support that singular idea. I couldn’t find any other source that supports Olney’s retinal damaged rats which also turned obese due to excess ingestion of MSG in any other place. It’s not as if their library department is bursting to the seams with journals. Anyway, he refused to sign the approval page and when I brought the whole deadline issue up, he went ballistic and gave Dr Tina a ring. So now this puts me in a stitch with Dr Tina too. Just what I needed. The deadline don’t matter anymore since I’m deemed ill-prepared. There goes my chance of ever graduating in August. I was strong enough to not break down in front of him. I just shed a few tears in the bus and waited till I got to my room before I bawled. I have nothing to say. Whoever said that hard work pays off is probably related to a mule. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother to live.

I’m so tired. I cried for 6 hours straight. Now I will go shove an entire cake and 2 McChickens down my throat.

Monday, June 13, 2005

sitting waiting wishing

I should get on with my learning issues asap. Moreover it’s pathogenesis which is bloody hellin’complicated and not a no-brainer like lab diagnostics or definition and epidemiology. My eyes are stinging. I haven’t slept in 2 days. All gara-gara minor thesis. Anyway it’s quite done, I already submitted the sort-of final draft (crappy and incomplete but at least something better than nothing, I’m still gonna keep working on it of course) to Dr R. “I’m very busy today.” Yalaaah I know!! It’s not as if I wanna sit and chat anyways, just wanna personally pass him my work so he doesn’t complain it gets lost or whatsoever you know. Furthermore I was suffering from lactose intolerance at that moment after the morning Milo and was too busy thinking of finding a loo. I heard so many horror stories about him from Miss PrisciPrisci and Miss ChiChi and the whole damn gang that he really kinda terrifies me. I hope he doesn’t yell at me or throw my thesis on the floor (which he always do or so I heard) when I go see him on Thursday ‘cos my work is kinda crap-lah. F*ck.

Anyway today I FOUND Jack Johnson’s ‘In Between Dreams’ in Disc Tarra which I NEVER thought I would have stocked him. Thank goodness I hadn’t ordered one online from HMV. I’ve been searching for that track ‘Sitting, Waiting, Wishing’ for what seems like ages. OK-lah not like ages but awhile juga-lah. Also finally got my hands on S Club 7’s ‘Best Of’ :) Happy-lah me. And I bought this Mossimo bikini which totally rocks except the bottom of it is loose. Aiya. Bila pakai M, top tak muat but when I bought L bottom pula yang tak muat. Bloody hell. I’m just gonna have to get them altered but it might turn out to be disastrous, what to do, no choice. I really should have been a little more earnest and tried the bottoms on in the fitting room. Good lesson learnt. Although there was this really nice MNG pin-stripe blazer that was sooo classy but I couldn’t button it close even though it was a size 10. Sh*t. I suppose I’m still NOT an ideal size 10 yet. Totally sucky feeling. I might reconsider to get that Nike bomber jacket in fire engine red. It’s DA BOMB but the only sizes left were L and XL. I should try the L one the next time I go around.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

f*ck II

Finally sorted out my C drive. Took some programs out and shoved them into D drive instead. I hardly had any space left in the former and Windows kept popping out messages to get me to clear my memory. But there wasn’t anything I wanted to throw out-lah. Crap. Anyway I did something today but I’m not sure if I did the program transfers properly so I suppose I’ll only know later when something craps up. Adoi, I HATE computer tech, it drives me f*cking crazy.
Today Ah Prada was all over my back bout the Paul J thing. And now, the story seems to be switching towards me chasing HIM!! OMG!! I KNOW!! I mean, like hello?? Me doing the chasing?? Hoho I don’t think so. I don’t even know the fella and we’ve never even had a freaking conversation and I’m NOT stalking him like how I usually would (hehe, did I just admit I’m a stalker?). And I don’t want the Regular program people winding up with the wrong story or I’d be known as “that girl AFTER Paul”!! OMG!! That cannot bloody happen. I’m egoistical and if I’m not doing the pursuit then I don’t want to be known to do so. I admit there is a perk of interest but it stops there and besides I only started noticing him ‘cos he was sweet to me. At least I thought he was sweet to me. Thank goodness everyone so caught up with the minor thesis and up-coming exams that this whole issue won’t blow out of proportion. He’s sort of high-profile-lah, so the fact that “oooh anak KPBI Malaysia lagi ngejarin sama anak Regular Indonesia” is going to send me straight to mortification hell. Especially since it’s not even true!!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


OMG!! I just realized that I’ve been totally f*cking my time around ‘cos the deadline for submission of final minor thesis drafts will take place this coming Saturday!! OMG!! I mean I’m hardly even halfway through the damn thing which means I HAVE to finish it by this weekend and get it submitted on Monday and hopefully get the correction by Wednesday / Thursday and pave the road in time by Friday / Saturday. I am so so f*cking dead. Why oh why did I waste my time before?? This is so typical of me. Now I can’t give it my articulate best ‘cos all that’s racing in my mind is the f*cking deadline.

According to Magic-8-Ball, Paul J LIKES me but he WON’T ask me out on a date ever. God knows bloody why. I believe it. I don’t think anything is going to amount from this because what the heck we don’t know each other, don’t mix in the same clique, don’t share common activities plus it’s heading towards the end of the semester and with me having to juggle block exams, minor thesis business and my remedials… this leaves no place for well that-lah. Why won’t he ask me out on a date?? My age? The fact that I’m FAT? What?? I just needed to know ‘cos anyone who happens to fancy me NEVER ask me out. Like I’m some f*cking jinx or something. F*ck.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

ant & dec

OK. I don’t really know how to say this but there MIGHT be and it’s only a MINISCULE might that there could be this kuch-kuch-hota-hai thing going on between Paul J and I. Who the heck is Paul J? I know I’ve never mentioned him anywhere. I mean he’s always been around and of course I never took notice of him, I mean I’ve seen his face around-lah. Then he becomes the Regular Program’s yearbook editor and I was silently enraged at him for, now when I think of it, no reason. Perhaps it was the competitiveness setting in or the fact I felt threatened that their book might turn out to be better than ours or that they were gonna use the word ‘Chronicle’ when I thought I came up with it… yadayadayada BANYAKLAH. I mean I’m sure he doesn’t have a single bad thought about me but I was really irked by him and came to extent of being really really biadap and un-cooperative like not staying around when he wanted to give speeches bout the yearbook and such. Also when he and Miss MayaMaya came over to the house to collect the Orientation badge thing that could help with the layout of the yearbook, I hid mine on purpose so they couldn’t get one. I’m such a b*tch I know. ANYWAY after the holidays I settled down emotionally and just recently when he came to distribute the yearbook to us, he told me personally that he thought my slot in the Pieces of My Life 2001 video clip was the cutest bit. I was really excited. Oh yeah? Actually now that I viewed it, I realized (agreeing with Miss KosKos) that it’s not really much of a big deal so I don’t really know what he got so enthralled about. I did shake his hand to thank him for the yearbook at that time. Might have been the only fool who did that. The product in the end was really quite good if you take into consideration the budget and the time frame they had to work with although the team did comprise from a bloody load of people. Very good effort. I really don’t know why I’m giving all these compliments. So ANYWAYS, everyone’s getting hyped up about the whole kuch-kuch-hota-hai thing going on with Paul (pronounced Pah-Ool as in Raoul with a P) J and yours truly and it’s getting really embarrassing. I can’t even face him now. He must totally have heard about it. I mean like today, they were making like this big fuss about the video clip business in the cafeteria and that he might fancy me-lah blabla and how we’re sheepish with each other-lah blabla. And as I was leaving the place I realized that his bunch of friends or at least batch mates were sitting exactly behind us!! G*DDD they must have heard everything!! F***CK XP I was so mortified and they kept going on and on about it that when we stumbled at the stairs everyone suddenly shuts up which makes it such an uncomfortable scene. He must be like “Hmm… ?” Fortunately I could muster a “Hi,” which must have been really really weird because I NEVER say Hi to him ever. OH MY GOD. Oh yeah, and that time when he came over to the house, he looked at my desktop (Rivers Cuomo Weezer gig wallpaper) and was trying to guess out who it was. I told them it was my boyfriend and I think I sensed there to be a small surprise or something. I mean he wouldn’t be so inquisitive bout who Rivers was ‘cos he kept asking who that was (he thought it was someone off Linkin Park ‘cos he saw the poster on my wall) unless he was partially interested or something right. Uh trivia bout him: he’s 2 years YOUNGER than me. It’s because I f*cked my education up and entered in late. And he’s really quite active in all these extra-curricular shit. And he shares the same birth date as Miss KosKos. He’s not good-looking but not too unfortunate looking either (aiya actually now he’s kinda growing on me and I really don’t know why). He's Paul J and he lives in South Jakarta. That’s all I know. I doubt he fancies me. I must be f*cking perasan again. I mean how can he fancy me? He doesn’t even know me. Plus we’ve never been in contact even though we’re in the same batch. So how can he just suddenly fall for me when I’m nothing, nobody. But anyway it’s a bit of a cute feeling to feel someone fancies you I guess ‘cos that’s what I’m feeling-lah now. Like I wanna smile A LOT. Whoah. I know. Weird-huh. I’m no Miss Wednesday Adams or some Emily the Strange who DON’T EVER SMILE EVER but nowadays that I find it hard to have a reason to smile, with this, it comes naturally. Really really odd. OK-lah cute odd. Sheesh.

Monday, June 06, 2005

sigh V

Today I weigh 56.7 kg still. I have exactly 11.7 kg to go. OH GOODNESS. Still can’t crack the 55 kg borderline. F*ck. I ate an entire bowl of meat floss this afternoon. That apart from breakfast and lunch. I don’t know why I did that. I just had a sinking feeling in my stomach, fear and unhappiness I suppose. So I eat. I eat to make myself feel happy. I’m still unhappy but at least I’m not hungry.

Weight is among the biggest taboo with the female species. Miss KosKos thinks that the scale is wrong because she believes she’s 45 kg. And Miss HaHa is adamant that the scale is broken because she’s 45 kg which inadvertently makes Miss KosKos of lesser weight. Thus, again, scale is wrong. Hohoho. And what a ruckus Miss MaziMazi made when she was weighed and the scale pointed to 55kg. She definitely looks a 55 kg to me (and Miss HaHa definitely has a 50 kg disposition). I mean, she is not thaaat tiny you know. It’s like they refuuuse to believe the needle and that whatever weight in their mind is right therefore the scale is lying or even better broken. Ayia funny-lah women. Well I believe the scale in the clinical skills lab because it’s the sort where you shove weights about till it comes to a right balance. Definitely more sensitive than those bathroom floor scales. Anyway there is progress from the last time I weighed myself. I am 0.9 kg lighter. It’s a slow slow process. I was just checking my progress and I weighed 61.3 kg in December. It’s already June and all I lost was 4.6 kg. THAT IN A SPAN OF 6 MONTHS??!! Goodness. Anyway I have to crack the 55kg or more this month or it’ll never happen.

*sigh* I feel so unhappy goodness knows why. I remember once telling Dddy that I really wanted to see a therapist. But he didn’t think it was a good idea as it would have been filed as a case and this incident might be used against me one day. So fine, I don’t. He thinks I should just talk to my course mates about what I’m going through. He doesn’t get it. Nobody does. For starters, we all DON’T want to talk about our crap excuse for a life because what’s the f*cking point? It’s like a jailbird moaning to another jailbird that it sucks to be in jail. What the f*ck for? We’re both in jail anyway!! Even though we absolutely emotionally comprehend each other, there’s nothing we can say that can soothe each other. So there you go. Moreover, what’s the point of speaking about the obvious negative? The best we can do is just to try to amuse each other with juicy laden gossips or eat. And I cannot talk to my friends back home because apalagi them! They lagi don’t understand. I mean all they hear is me b*tching and b*tching and b*tching about my shitty life but they’ve never gone through a week of it to be able to feel the magnitude of what I am trying to convey. I mean I’m sure they feel sorry when I start bursting into tears or the fact that I’ve turned into this witch of a person but that’s all they are. Sorry that I’m sad. Sorry that I’m a witch. And then they start tearing over f*cked up boyfriends or asshole bosses. What about coming home for a bath to NO CLEAN WATER or heck NO WATER for that matter? What about having to walk to the f*cking river and fetch water so that your toilet won’t breed flies? What about every single time you’re about to touch that graduation tassle, you get pulled back by a new policy? What about NOT having ANYONE call you on the phone or sms you for a week? What about fishing worms out of anything you eat? What about having to put on a scowl facial expression and bundling up like some Arabic Eskimo just so it’ll put people off from desiring to rape you, every time you want to go out? What about having to quickly take off home to make sure your roof ain’t leaking a damn drizzle (even RIGHT AFTER YOU FIXED IT) every time it rains and subsequently ruin everything? What about…? I’m so tired to live like this. I cannot take it anymore. It’s a horrid day every day and even the things people disregard at home like water or the freedom to go out at night is such a predicament here. I remember once in first year, it had been a long crappy day at class and I’ve been up from 06:00 right up till 17:00. All I wanted to do was take a shower and nap. I get home, drop my things and after running the water, find that hundreds of worms are wriggling in my water. I couldn’t even bathe. A simple deed. But even that doesn’t come easy. So I broke down in my towel and cried on the bathroom floor for an hour. I knew that this was just the start of THE sh*t. That I was gonna have to deal with this for the long haul. Anyway after I was done sobbing and feeling sorry for myself, I took a bath at Miss KosKos’ and returned to my own bathroom to start fishing the worms out. I had to do it or how would I continue to live. So I do it-lah.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

1 3 hill

It is 12 minutes to midnight and a start of a new day. Don’t want to speak of the crappy sh*t that happened today. Let’s just take a breather from my broody behaviour and speak about something nice. Like tonight. Tonight ended fairly nicely. I just came back from Miss KosKos’ room (upstairs) where we finished 2 episodes of One Tree Hill. The ones where Brooke turns sweet and Nathan battles between popularity and heartfelt friendship while Lucas. Lucas nothing, he’s just a damn great guy-lah… a little too na├»ve but all-round nice guy. And Nathan KISSED Hailey. SO SWEET really… I mean even HE caught me off guard. I mean I ALWAYS see these sort of stuff coming but bloody hell that was really so so out of the blue and great. And then Karen kisses Keith. RIGHT ABOUT TIME. I mean no guy sticks by you thick and thin and through everything… lending her his everything… putting himself out there ALL the time and NOT have feelings? Yeah, right. So anyway it’s really f*cking sweet of her to give him that goodbye kiss. He’s been so so great. What really took them this long to get like this?? And Nathan isn’t THAT much of a f*cker after all. I mean he did fall for Hailey who is like Miss Nobody in school. G*DD 2 damn great episodes. And Jake, that hottie, is a father!! No wonder he’s so grounded. Oh Brooke, I love Brooke. She’s really HOT. And those 2 dimples are to die for. Wish I looked like her. Sure as hell wouldn’t be in the tragic spinster situation I am in right now if I did. I like the whole not-afraid-to-be-flirty and just really a do-do person. I suppose it helps that she’s a slut where she gets most of her confidence from but then again, I think she’s a real delightful character. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for me to instill a bit of Brooke in me. *SMILING*
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