Wednesday, May 25, 2005

sigh III

Ah Choy is dating. Bugger. He cut me to the chase. I guess now I feel even lonelier than ever. Not because he’s lost but because I didn’t gain anything yet. In a sense it’s good that he’s dating now, he has been waiting 23 years of his life for this and he deserves it but on the other hand, so have I.. so how come I’m not dating? I suppose it comes when it comes but that’s just not good enough. I need someone now TOO. So it’s back up on the horse and trying to support my emotional burden all on my own again. I was just starting to get used to him propping me up but I suppose I saw this coming one day. That’s why I never really opened up to him anyway (and even more to anyone else!!) ‘cos I might not be able to hold myself up if I depended on someone too much to do so for me. I know I know we’re still good friends and I shouldn’t be afraid to rely on him but that’s how I am. I fear a lot. That’s why almost noone knows about my hmm.. insanity (?) Well he did for awhile but not wholly also-lah. It’s not his responsibility to shoulder my pain. It just felt nice for awhile to be able to ALMOST tell someone about my fears. I don’t really know how to speak of my terror and most of all I don’t like talking about it. Anyway I won’t speak of sh*t like this to him anymore. I shouldn’t spoil his cheery mood. He is, you know, in a cheery mood. And he’s hardly like this, he’s usually all sedate even when he’s trying to be loud. I knew it when he asked me if I was alive and kicking. There was a twang in the tone. Even through sms I could perhaps feel it. It’s pleasant to know he’s finally having the good life. I’ve always wished it for him. Maybe I should wish more of it for myself.

I suppose now this leaves me to be the only one in my circle of friends back home who has NEVER had a boyfriend. OK. And I’m sad to see Ah Choy go, also because now I don’t have anyone to b*tch about my inadequate life with since he was a tragic spinster as I. And I can’t call him up at 12:00 to 2:00 in the morning to ask him if he wants to go out for a bit. And I can’t depend on him emotionally (not that I was ever that dependent on him emotionally but I was a little) on those pre-Indon blues. And he’s not going to waste his phone credits speaking 'bout bullshit with me. And no more excursions to do crap. Aiya pokoknya no more. See! Even he moved on with life. Aiya. Maybe I’m starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend… it’s just that I’m used to having him to fall back on. I look forward to his company, something to live for in a weird sense. Because he had time for me when no one else did and because he almost bothered that I exist. So subtract THAT from my life, I’m left with umm… sort of nothing. And sort of nothing can be a really lonely feeling.

OK-lah nothing is ever permanent, he was going to have to go away some day. Just a little bit sooner than I had hoped for. I’m prepared for it-lho. Besides I have nicotine now and things are sometimes always easier with nicotine, so I’ve discovered.

I’m thinking of not contacting anyone in case I go back in July. Everyone already knows I’m coming home in August so let them just continue to think so. I don’t know how come I’m such anti-social kutu. It’s just too much energy put on the happy mask-lah. A Vogue photographer once said when he’s with a crowd all he wants is to be alone yet when he’s alone, all he wants is to be with a crowd. I feel that.

I’m constantly sad. Ayo why-ah? And I’m so tired of feeling like this. Literally huff-puff tired. And you’d think by crying everything seeps away with the tears but it sure seems as if the distress is self-renewal because it doesn’t want to end. I’d cry tonight and still wake up feeling like crap the next day. And it carries on the whole entire day at some point, like now for instance, I just want to slit my wrist so I don’t have to go through another day feeling like my chest weighs a damn ton. I don’t even fancy going out shopping and that’s NEVER me. I want to fix myself but I don’t know how. I can’t bear for my parents to go through another phase of having to be worried of me. I finally just gave them a bit of relief which in turn became a relief for me so definitely wrong to turn back and resurrect history. Right now all I want is to strangle somebody’s neck or punch a punching bag. Or die. I know I’ve said I have too many commitments now to just simply let go of my life but now, tonight, I don’t care. Anything-lah. Let the living deal with matters of consequence pokoknya I’m dead and I don’t have to live through another f*cking day feeling miserable. Dddy thinks I’m just wallowing in my own sympathy. Like it’s f*cking self-pity. Yeah, maybe-lah yah. Me being melodramatic about my supposed tragic being when there’s 3rd World poverty and starving babies. I don’t think he brought me up to be such a LOSER of a person. I’ve let him down tremendously. After all the things he’s done for me and the family. Staying alive is the least I can do to return the favour…

I don’t know, I just want to find peace for the night.

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