Thursday, May 05, 2005

05:05 05.05.05

Talk about perfect timing.

It's good that this week is quite slow. A public holiday amidst the week and another early next. I really need it. I can't quite pick up the way I could used to. These few trips returning to Indon (back-to-Indon blues) have been VERY VERY hard. I've finally exhausted all my energy. I cannot find the strength to go on anymore. I know I say this yet I still trudge on. I have no option. There is no alternative. This is the alternative. That or slitting my wrist.

I used to be huffy only on the Monday mornings when I was to be driven to the airport. My parents have learnt not to speak to me at all throughout the entire journey. Then it moved forward to the Sundays. Now, even the Saturdays and most of the entire week. I have learnt not to have friendly company on Sundays because it might kill me more. I believe I should avoid going out on Saturdays now too.

Ah Choy might be right. I should learn to let it out. It meaning my misery. I want to but to tell you the truth, I don't know how to. I don't know how to release my pain. And most of all I don't know who to. I think my father knows this trait of mine. He once told me that if I was ever in a marriage and things went badly that I should just pick myself up immediately and get a divorce. I must never try to hold on and worst of all: suffer in silence. This is the reason why he trained me to be an independent and strong individual. But in this matter, HOW DO I DIVORCE MY LIFE?
I'm not that tough after all. Ah Yung feels I should do something with my low self esteem. I know-lah. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to medicate myself. I am so confused and petrified and alone. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm enveloped by shame, lies and excuses.

Actually at one point I think Ah Choy sounded like he was going to approach my parents regarding this issue of mine. You could not imagine my alarm. He doesn’t understand after all. (Thank goodness I didn’t tell him much about whatever, it would have been a bloody waste of jaw effort). There are some things that parents ought NOT to be blatantly informed of: like if their daughter is a slut or their boy boy is having sex, smoking pot, and this… EVERYONE seems to think that there’s another way out. Like another option to this. They live in such an idealistic world. Sometimes there are NO CHOICES. Don’t they get it? And if there was, don’t they think I would have jumped at it already?? They think I like being unhappy? F*cking morons.
I mean there is no alternative to medical school. You cannot trade medical studies. Don’t these people get it?? They don’t. Only medical students get this. And it’s not that I’m being prejudiced towards non-medic students but they think you can exchange some credits and go elsewhere or just drop it and take up mass-communications. What the f*ck? Unless it’s an offer to be the next Marc Jacobs or Stella McCartney, there is NO alternatives to medical school. But of course stuff like this you can’t quite explain.

People, they just don’t f*cking understand.

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