Tuesday, May 31, 2005

sigh IV

Today marks the last day of food pamper. I haven’t been running for a week now and I’ve succumbed to the FAT girl whims of stuffing food down my throat. It’s how I channel my frustration and I know I should learn to manage my anger in a less self-abusive way but I can’t. Food never fails to offer me comfort.

I thought things couldn’t get any worse than it did before. But it could because it DID. So first there’s my minor thesis which dateline is supposedly moved up to the regular program’s Reading week so I have exactly a week left to type up my shit so that I have enough time for evaluation and correction before ‘sidang’. Sidang is an official presentation of the minor thesis in front of everyone in the respective departments: in my case it would be Medical Chemistry and Nutrition. Then tomorrow there’s the benchmarking exam where they give you a certain set of time to finish certain set of questions something like the SATs and you’d be evaluated in comparison with the margin of all medical schools participating in this event all over Indonesia. Ayia it’s just another exam to validate my idiot disposition but it’s better ‘cos now I would know where I stand amongst students in the entire Indon. So great to know what a great freaking loser I’m gonna be.

OK then last night I was con 45,000 rp by this lil’ b*tch who was going around town scamming people off their monthly water bill. Most of all, I’m pissed that Einstein Ah TKL didn’t just LET ME F*CKING KNOW there was a scam going on. And even just then, at that freaking second, he wanted to bring the whole subject up “Oh How Dare She Do That?” BLABLABLA YAKKETY YAK YAKKETY YAK!! F****CK!! Shut the f*ck up. It’s not your f*cking money which got conned. It’s f*cking mine since none of you are going to reimburse me. And the f*cking worse thing is YOU knew this story was going round town but just ‘cos I’m NOT in charge of water sure as hell doesn’t mean you don’t f*cking tell me about it. B*stard. G*DDD!! I mean when there was an electricity scam going round town, I immediately alerted everyone at home ‘cos I’m in charge of the f*cking electricity bill and because we all f*cking live in the same goddamn house. SOOO we should ALL look out for sh*t like this. He should have just f*cking shut up-lah. And even last night he was trying to rub the f*ck ass salt onto my wound “Oh you know I’m in charge of water, why did you pay?” BLABLABLA YAKKETY YAK YAKKETY YAK. I F*CKING DIDN’T KNOWWW!!! F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!

And… and… and I can’t graduate in August. *sigh* *gulp* I don’t qualify. I’d only be able to in November and even then they’ve put in so many new policies in like departmental exams etc. Things seem so bleak suddenly. I won’t be able to finish the co-asst business in 2 years after all. Every ounce of my strength is being wringed out of me. Everyday I wake up hating that I’ve got to get on with life. And it’s even more tiring so getting through the day with such a heavy spirit.

And I really need to know that Sophiekins can make it into Pharmacy this fall. G*ddd. She might have just been conned £300++ but she says she’ll get the money back from the f*cker. Well, we all hope so but I can tell you once money is gone money is gone-lah.
I’m so so so pissed I just wanna strike a rock till my knuckles bleed. Or at least if I ever see that con-artist slag, I’ll bloody give her nose a good punch. F*ck work. F*ck tomorrow’s f*cking benchmarking exam. I’ve decided I’m gonna get drunk in my room tonight.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

3 colors

The enhanced contents on my Weezer: Make Believe and Seven And The Sun: Back To Innocence finally plaaays on my comp. It couldn’t bring the audio of the enhanced piece out this morning and trying to work it out was driving me CRAZY!! But it can play now so no worries.

Last night was pretty good. I had a pleasant time. The day-out started with us being stuck in the Jatinangor jam which took us an hour to get out of. So by the time we hit the toll it was nearing towards evening and the first stop was Kota Kembang, Jl. Dalam Kaum. It’s a pirated haven. I didn’t have any cash on me so I couldn’t buy anything, besides I’m not done with watching 24 (season 2 + 3) and South Park yet so it’s OK. I was looking out for good mainstream dance compilations. I’m not much of a trance fan but more of cheesy dance so the choices were very limited. I ended up buying nothing. Next stop was BSM. The MANGO slutty top I adored came only in UK size12. Oh dear. It’s a little too large for me and the beads are loose which makes for the securing of that part of cloth that secures my tits vulnerable. But I like it so much, it has a babydoll look and even though it takes me half an hour to figure out how to put it on, every single time, I really think it’s the ultimate SLUT top to wear during that post-Bachelor’s of Medicine party we’re gonna have!! Basically we’re gonna all go out clubbing at a good club to celebrate our graduation and we’re all gonna be dressed like downright sluts!! Then I dropped by 3colors to sort out the picture problem I was having, I still don’t know if my message got out right ‘cos we were having the biggest communication breakdown. Before running off I quickly scoured Tarra Megastore for my S Club 7 Best Of. Out of stock!! Alaaa!! But my eye caught glimpse of Weezer’s Make Believe with enhanced bonus content. I was really puzzled because I thought only the North America version was to be with the enhanced section. Asian ones are just gonna be down with bonus tracks as the UK and Japan (you must be thinking how come I didn’t just include Japan in the asian category? ;D) versions. I got real excited and it’s funny ‘cos they brought in Seven And The Sun (with enhanced bonus content too!!!) and I never thought they’d bring Seven And The Sun in. It’s their debut album and although it didn’t contain the track I wanted, I bought it anyway just to try them out. What a score for both of them CDs :) We decided to go eat in Atmosphere after all and it was a really really pleasant place. We didn’t score good seats ‘cos we hadn’t made reservations so that’s a lesson to be learned. After that I got myself a couple of Victoria Secrets shorts which were ultra cute. Tim weren’t really prepared to go home just as yet so we went to have cake in Tomodachi. I think their cake was stale ‘cos my Strawberry soft cheese cake sucked. Or maybe ‘cos I was TOO full. I think the night ended relatively well.

When I got home I put the babydoll slut top back on and boogie-d to Miss KhaiKhai’s R&B DJ mix tracks on full blast. I know people don’t know it (or maybe just Miss KosKos and Miss MasMas ‘cos I told them) but sometimes when I really get the clubbing itch, I’d strap on my heels (in my pyjamas), switch the lights off, pour myself rum (I have a bottle of Bacardi Watermelon Breezer shots at the back of my fridge for moments like this), visualize myself in Paradox and shake my tail-feather to Mona’s R&B DJ mix dance tunes. It’s really pathetic.

Friday, May 27, 2005

can i graduate?

So I don’t get to graduate in August now. It feels horrid. It was all I was looking forward to. I mean, yeah I wanted longer holidays, more opportunities to meet boys yada yada yada but deep down my CORE wish was to get my Bachelor’s of Medicine in AUGUST. Between them, I’d choose GRADUATION over those 3 any day!! They’ve changed the f*cking policy so only super-whizzes get to graduate in August and the rest of us mediocrity will get a chance to do so only in November. 3 f*cking months in between (with ongoing examinations)!! Bloody m*ther f*cker. For every second I prolong my stay here, it’s a second prolonged in whole. Co-asst will not end in 2 years at the rate I’m going. And I’ll probably REALLY graduate at some age of 27. Yikes. People have kids at 27 and I haven’t even started working yet (or fallen in love). I don’t know why the management keeps doing this? One minute this one minute that. I’m not strong anymore; I cannot take another blow from them. They do this all the time, crash the bad news at the last minute. Don’t even make me start listing all the crappy news I’ve gotten every f*cking semester *sigh* I told Dddy about it, he didn’t say much. He must be really disappointed and didn’t really know what to say. I wish he’d stay longer on the phone. I just needed to cry to him about it but he’s not the sappy sort. He’s not like Miss RenjitRenjit or Miss MasMas’s father who tell them everything is going to be alright blablabla. He’s the kind that goes “Yah. OK. Bye,” on the phone. I guess I’m a little more placid today. After years of the unspeakable, I’ve begin to desensitize myself in a quicker fashion. There’s nothing that can be done. The management has already made a decision and there’s nothing we can do to change it. We never could, I’m tired of fighting… it’s not like it ever berbuah any hasil anyway.

I weighed myself today. 56.7 kg. Only approximately 1 kg decrease from the last weigh-in last month. THIS IS TOO SLOW. I know I keep saying that I will be fastidious about my food-intake but ayia really I haven’t been. The devil in me is empowering-lah… that’s why I eat so much and I don’t make enough effort to finish my minor thesis. June has to be different. I must crack the 50kg line. That’s like 7 kg down-size. WAHLAU. 50kg would be, like, approximately Karena’s size I think. WAHLAU. That’s kinda thin you know and it’ll definitely be something new. OK-lah not really that thin now when you think of it.

This girl, Miss DewDew, came to get her fortune told today. I can tell mini-love-fortunes. It’s like my lil’ knack I think. Something like how Miss RenjitRenjit can remove someone’s ‘angin’ by massaging. I haven’t done it for people in a LONG LONG while. The last time I did by the massive drove was back in 1st year for a donation drive. I would team up with Miss GilGil and we’d call ourselves the Gypsy Girls… we’d wear bandanas, she’d do mehndi and I’d tell mini-love-fortunes. When I’m stalling, she’d send her customers over and vice versa. Those days :D

Tomorrow’s Miss JoeJoe’s sort-of-b’day-cafe outing. I only partially had a good time at mine so I hope that this time I’d enjoy myself a little more. When we go out, we go out for the long-haul so it’s usually a list of a million places to cover in a day and the entire month’s allowance just disappears there and then. I haven’t gotten my June money in yet so I don’t think it’ll be much of a splurge. I decided to wear that Miss Selfridge uni-shoulder (that I bought since the 1st year but never wore) sequined top and have my hair tied-up. I’m going to have to reevaluate my wardrobe once my weight drops to 50kg, can’t waittt!!

I intend to get S Club 7’s Best Of. I was re-watching my S Club Party LIVE DVD just last night and totally remember them good ole days back in the UK. Anyway S Club tunes are such pick-me-uppers. I love bubble-gum pop so much sometimes, they’re SO SO fun and you can make cheesy movements that go with their lyrics. There ain’t no PARTY like an S Club PARTY!!

P.S: didnt wear the uni-shoulder top after all and instead the MNG crinkle top which, now that I view it, was a disastrous choice

So Amah looking-lah me. Damn!! Upper picture L-R: Miss IyanIyan, Miss JoeJoe, Miss KosKos, Sheltastic moi, Miss MasMas

Thursday, May 26, 2005

champagne wishes & caviar dreams

Last night I indulged myself in a bottle of champagne. I had saved it for some special occasion or celebration but I suppose attempting to save myself from suicide counts as a good reason to pop the cork. I got it from Prague. Yup, I carried the bohemian brut all the way from Czech Republic to Malaysia to Indon. It’s great champagne. I don’t think I’ve tasted finer. Even Moet isn’t thaaat great compared to this Bohemia Regia. It’s no wonder they call themselves Finest Czech Sparkling Wine. I can’t quite recollect those connoisseur terms that I used to try to study but this one is sweet, has a full palate and delightful aftertaste. Even the nose is refreshing. Really really nice. Absolute YUM. Problem was, I didn’t want to finish the entire bottle in one setting but I’ve run out of bottle stoppers so I had to stuff the neck with rolled up tissue. It’s not going to stand well for long, I will have to finish the bottle tomorrow. I feel really nice. If only wine was cheap here, I could get drunk by myself after a crappy day like how I used to back in UK. I miss getting drunk.

Sophiekins just msg-ed me to let me know she got me my Adidas Stella McCartney Indranika shoes. Unfortunately they don’t come in her size so she can’t get a pair for Mmmy (they share the same shoe size). I shouldn’t have told Mmmy that I’m gonna get her a pair, she’ll only be disappointed now. As for me, I’m so excited to try on both my Indranika and Kaitara. I really hope they fit me well ‘cos they’re both so lovely lovely lovely!! My Nike (I call them ‘ninja’ shoes) are totally goners. The soles are wiped out and the surface is torn everywhere from the futsal competitions. Those girls are rough! As for the other stuff I wanted especially the hooded sweats and ringerback tanks, they were all out since March (line was launched in February ‘05). Crap. Sophiekins says I should have been more up-to-date ‘cos we were all in the UK in February for Chinese New Year and I could have scored myself some SMC stuff. F*ck!! How was I to know Stella worked with Adidas again?? I live in god-forsaken Jatinangor for goodness sakes!! I only knew bout the line after browsing through Vogue UK APRIL!! I knew that Stella designed some boots for Adidas back in fall ’00 or something but they’re totally limited edition and cost a damn bomb for that matter. Besides I’ve searched Adidas London / Manchester / Los Angeles / Berlin / Paris for them before and nada!! I kinda gave up on the wild goose chase after that. I saw a pair of Pumas that resembled them slightly… a Jap girl who was waiting for Galleries La-Fayette fashion show with me was sporting them (which I found later were on sale there too) but amounted to RM600. I made a pass. Fortunate for me I did ‘cos now Missy Elliot is out with her Respect Me line and she made them boots just like Stella’s. Stella’s classier but OK-lah beggars CANNOT be choosers!!

I know people find my fascination for couture peculiar and most of all seemingly excessive. Everyone has some passion in life, be it Manchester United, bowling, fishing or collecting Coca-Cola cans but amongst hoarding garbage like Pooh Beanies (especially winged and festive ones) and Hello Kitty paraphernalia I REALLY LOVE FASHION. I love watching the new collection sashaying up the catwalk. I love to hear what designers have to say about their mission in life when it comes to making clothes. I love to know which celebrity decides to go to Fashion Week. I have much to learn about the world of fashion and especially details on cuts and textiles. Still, simply, I love looking at great clothes and accessories. Call me materialistic or whatever-lah. I like owning pretty things. Period.

This is partially the reason why Dddy made me study medicine besides the fact it’s closely associated with his pharmaceutical line. The other motive is ‘cos I’m such a BIG-SPENDER. Anyway, in line of bringing me up to be independent and strong, he chose this education line so that I can afford to buy whatever I want with the money that I earn. And I’m a Miss Buy-A-Lot!! Plus now with my intense passion for fashion, it would really help to earn the big bucks. Currently I’m more on a budget scheme when it comes to couture. That’s why now my ranges of purchases are only limited to designers gone high-street like Karl Lagerfeld for H&M, Butterfly (Matthew Williamson) / Star (Julien MacDonald) / Rocha (John Rocha) / GS (Gharani Strok) / J (Jasper Conran) / Floozie (Frost French), Isaac Mizrahi for Target and now Adidas Stella McCartney. Of course there will be moments when I am granted Louis Vuitton (another personal favourite), Dior, Chanel, etc… but only after conscientious application and subsequent achievements. I remember my first couture: Louis Vuitton Vernis barrel bag in beige. Miss FujiFuji (my uncle’s then Jap girlfriend now wife) had one in blue and I was so struck by it. It was a work of art and that Vernis touch was so refined and charming. She mentioned that the Vernis line was sold out in Japan and the beige was a bestseller so after my application into Bellerbys College pulled through, I meekly requested for one while mum was shopping for a purse in LV, Singapore. I almost cried when Dddy, at that instance, called for the Louis Vuitton sales assistant to assist me with my request. He’s like that. He won’t say a f*cking word when you rant about it at home but when the timing is right and he roughly thinks you should own one, he just gets down to it and BHAM BOUGHT!! He kills me sometimes, you know. I know it’ll take him a whole loada effort to regain that sum I splashed on a piece of accessory but he’d do it for his family. This is one of the chief reason why I keep myself in med school for him. People won’t really get it, I don’t expect them to either. Anywayyys, everyone was just so damn shocked that my handbag cost a f*cking RM5000 (I can’t quite remember but that seems about right). They’ve never even heard of Louis Vuitton. I suppose I was way ahead of my friends when it came to couture. Just recently at drinks in La Bodega, Bangsar, Miss ChongChong brought up this whole deal with me and couture-fetish and never forgetting my Vuitton Vernis bag which horrified them then but they understand it now. Like I said, I was way ahead of them when it came to couture. Cos it’s my zeal mah.

Also Miss KhaiKhai celebs news bulletin (‘cos she has Indovision maaah… satellite TV-lah):
Kylie Minogue has breast cancer: OMG, it’s even on CNN-lho
Jennifer Garner has been impregnated by Ben (Bennifer II): OMG II
Tom Cruise dating Katie Holmes: OMG III
Aiya bloody hell, Tom Cruise should bloody date me instead. Katie Homes? I mean that Dawson’s Creek chick, I don’t even like her… she, Gwyneth Paltrow and Claire Danes. Don’t like ‘em.

"gimme gimme gimme gimme... living in Beverly Hills"

My room is big pile of mess. My desk is filled with CDs and pirated DVDs. My wardrobe is bursting its seams from my expanding collection of clothes. There’s paper ALL over the floor and junk in corners of my room and on my bed. I’m surprised how I can even sleep at night. Actually I’ve mastered the skill of sleeping in a crouched position so that I can still sleep with the sh*t on my bed. Kekeke. Mmmy hates it, she thinks this is the reason why I have such a bad posture.

I’m listening to Weezer’s new album (pirated): Make Believe *sigh* I’m not thoroughly impressed. I know it debuted really well in charts all over the world but those people in favour of Make Believe are probably just those f*ckers who started listening to them from Green Album onwards. Make Believe seems like an updated pop version of Pinkerton. He’s trying to bring back the distortion of Blue Album and lyrical intellect of Pinkerton but somehow there’s just something about it that just doesn’t seem to cut it. And Beverly Hills?? OMG. It sounds like a KFC f*cking advertisement: “KFC that’s where I want to be!” Maladroit may not have been much of press cover but if you were to really compare the quality of tunes, Maladroit is such a revelation to me now (please go listen to Take Control and Burndt Jamb). It’s more mainstream rock, less Weezer, but sheer brilliance nonetheless. I feel they went an extra mile on Maladroit while Make Believe is just something to shelve in between the next better album. I’m disappointed. And any other Asian country in their gig list besides Japan? NEVER. I’m thinking of going to that idiotic Summersonic festival in Tokyo just so I can get a glimpse of them. The other dates bentrok with everything in my schedule. I already missed them in London back in the summer of 2000. I will never forgive myself for that. Gara-gara I had to go back to Malaysia for good. Sh*t. I guess the days of Blue Album and Pinkerton can never be relived. Besides rock stars, like people, change. I’m still their colossal fan. I will still support their future choice of music endeavors. I love them dearly; Rivers Cuomo made my teenage years more bearable and reminded me of home when all I hear on Brighton’s Sunshine FM is cheesy pop and techno dance. At one point I swore I wanted to marry him. I still harbour those feelings :)

Anyway I won’t be buying the Make Believe album here ‘cos the North America version has an enhanced feature of interviews with band members and I really really wanna hear what they’ve got to say bout Make Believe. Also their band martini T-shirt and that black baseball top are super great. They haven’t come out with good girls tee ever since those sheep ones back in I dunno 1996 or something like that. I had already wanted to purchase them online but guess what Malaysia isn’t listed in their list of countries when I attempted filling in the billing details which then deemed my entire information invalid thus no buy-lah. M*ther f*cker. They’ve got bloody Malawi but they haven’t got Malaysia. What th…?? People in Malawi actually buy that many f*cking Weezer t-shirts?? They’ve got to be kidding me. Anyway I wrote a mail to Cinderblock (company in charge of Weezer merchandise) regarding this. We’ll see what they’ve got to say bout that. In the meantime let’s hope they don’t go out of stock.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

sigh III

Ah Choy is dating. Bugger. He cut me to the chase. I guess now I feel even lonelier than ever. Not because he’s lost but because I didn’t gain anything yet. In a sense it’s good that he’s dating now, he has been waiting 23 years of his life for this and he deserves it but on the other hand, so have I.. so how come I’m not dating? I suppose it comes when it comes but that’s just not good enough. I need someone now TOO. So it’s back up on the horse and trying to support my emotional burden all on my own again. I was just starting to get used to him propping me up but I suppose I saw this coming one day. That’s why I never really opened up to him anyway (and even more to anyone else!!) ‘cos I might not be able to hold myself up if I depended on someone too much to do so for me. I know I know we’re still good friends and I shouldn’t be afraid to rely on him but that’s how I am. I fear a lot. That’s why almost noone knows about my hmm.. insanity (?) Well he did for awhile but not wholly also-lah. It’s not his responsibility to shoulder my pain. It just felt nice for awhile to be able to ALMOST tell someone about my fears. I don’t really know how to speak of my terror and most of all I don’t like talking about it. Anyway I won’t speak of sh*t like this to him anymore. I shouldn’t spoil his cheery mood. He is, you know, in a cheery mood. And he’s hardly like this, he’s usually all sedate even when he’s trying to be loud. I knew it when he asked me if I was alive and kicking. There was a twang in the tone. Even through sms I could perhaps feel it. It’s pleasant to know he’s finally having the good life. I’ve always wished it for him. Maybe I should wish more of it for myself.

I suppose now this leaves me to be the only one in my circle of friends back home who has NEVER had a boyfriend. OK. And I’m sad to see Ah Choy go, also because now I don’t have anyone to b*tch about my inadequate life with since he was a tragic spinster as I. And I can’t call him up at 12:00 to 2:00 in the morning to ask him if he wants to go out for a bit. And I can’t depend on him emotionally (not that I was ever that dependent on him emotionally but I was a little) on those pre-Indon blues. And he’s not going to waste his phone credits speaking 'bout bullshit with me. And no more excursions to do crap. Aiya pokoknya no more. See! Even he moved on with life. Aiya. Maybe I’m starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend… it’s just that I’m used to having him to fall back on. I look forward to his company, something to live for in a weird sense. Because he had time for me when no one else did and because he almost bothered that I exist. So subtract THAT from my life, I’m left with umm… sort of nothing. And sort of nothing can be a really lonely feeling.

OK-lah nothing is ever permanent, he was going to have to go away some day. Just a little bit sooner than I had hoped for. I’m prepared for it-lho. Besides I have nicotine now and things are sometimes always easier with nicotine, so I’ve discovered.

I’m thinking of not contacting anyone in case I go back in July. Everyone already knows I’m coming home in August so let them just continue to think so. I don’t know how come I’m such anti-social kutu. It’s just too much energy put on the happy mask-lah. A Vogue photographer once said when he’s with a crowd all he wants is to be alone yet when he’s alone, all he wants is to be with a crowd. I feel that.

I’m constantly sad. Ayo why-ah? And I’m so tired of feeling like this. Literally huff-puff tired. And you’d think by crying everything seeps away with the tears but it sure seems as if the distress is self-renewal because it doesn’t want to end. I’d cry tonight and still wake up feeling like crap the next day. And it carries on the whole entire day at some point, like now for instance, I just want to slit my wrist so I don’t have to go through another day feeling like my chest weighs a damn ton. I don’t even fancy going out shopping and that’s NEVER me. I want to fix myself but I don’t know how. I can’t bear for my parents to go through another phase of having to be worried of me. I finally just gave them a bit of relief which in turn became a relief for me so definitely wrong to turn back and resurrect history. Right now all I want is to strangle somebody’s neck or punch a punching bag. Or die. I know I’ve said I have too many commitments now to just simply let go of my life but now, tonight, I don’t care. Anything-lah. Let the living deal with matters of consequence pokoknya I’m dead and I don’t have to live through another f*cking day feeling miserable. Dddy thinks I’m just wallowing in my own sympathy. Like it’s f*cking self-pity. Yeah, maybe-lah yah. Me being melodramatic about my supposed tragic being when there’s 3rd World poverty and starving babies. I don’t think he brought me up to be such a LOSER of a person. I’ve let him down tremendously. After all the things he’s done for me and the family. Staying alive is the least I can do to return the favour…

I don’t know, I just want to find peace for the night.

Monday, May 23, 2005

prognostic factor

I really should be typing out my minor thesis. I really should be. Something is playing on my mind but I can’t quite really put my finger on it. I finished half a packet of Snyder’s Honey Mustard & Onion pretzel pieces, a cup of Milo, a bowl of Maggi Mee Ayam, a piece of bagelan and a glass of Tazo Chai. And I still feel unsettled. That’s a whole load of food. I shouldn’t eat anything tonight. I should just have tea.

How might I have gotten my Tazo Chai you might have asked? I mean, it’s a S*bucks drinks for goodness sakes and here I am in Jatinangor where S*bucks probably sounds like a name of a space ship to the villagers. Well if there’s a drink I drink in S*bucks, it’s Tazo Chai or some other non-coffee beverage because I don’t care much for coffee. It gives me the headaches. Anyway they pulled it off the Malaysian S*bucks shelves ‘cos in contrary to my preferences when it comes to tantalizing brew, Malaysian yuppies and fashion-fuzz are still pretty humdrum in the thirst-quenching business. Either that or they think it’s cool to JUST drink coffee ‘cos the pop culture drinks coffee. So somehow my honcho Miss PalnaPalna managed to score me a box of Tazo Chai concentrate. You could imagine my glee. Even Indonesia hadn’t heard of Tazo Chai. The catch was, the box had an extremely short expiry date (which is probably how it could escape into my hands anyway) so right now I’m glugging down expired Tazo. I do that a lot here: eat expired food. I mean back in Malaysia anything that’s a month to the expiry date would have landed itself in the kitchen garbage bin. Not here though. Over here, I’d pick up that packet of Brahim Kari Ayam and go “Oh only 3 months past expiry, still can makan!!”

It’s Sunday today. I didn’t do anything (assessing my waist-line does not count as A THING) but watch a string of episodes of The West Wing. Those people from the White House are so smart-lah. 78 % of the time I have no idea what those American Democratics are speaking about but it sure sounds intellectual. This bill that bill, this budget that budget. I watch it for the banter mostly (and the occasional glimpse of high Washington fashion). Their humour, so sardonic-lah… I love it!! I don’t think I meet enough personalities with such intellect or even if I did I probably wouldn’t fit in ‘cos it’d take me an extra leg to keep up. I really should read more and update my vocabulary. Presently the only cerebral word I know that just might impress smart people is flatulence.

Mmmy called me to tell me she managed to get hold of an iPod Shuffle arm-band but it’s not from the iPod line (those are sold out), instead it’s some champahlang brand charging a bloody RM120++ for it. I had to surrender, I really need something to hold my Shuffle while I go on my runs. I mean it did come with that neck thing but it’s just a distraction having it jiggle about my chest when I wear tracks that don’t come with pockets.

Miss KosKos is frustrated that I haven’t been making any progress with Prognosis 2001. Backtrack: Prognosis 2001 is this unauthorized yearbook of which I happened to be the editor of. I’m kinda pasrah with it. I don’t know what to do now that it’s going to cost us a minimum 650,000 rp per book. That’s RM300. Who’d pay such a sum? Even the Regular program’s (Regular meaning the Indonesian Class of General Medicine) book costs only 150,000 rp (RM75)… but only because they’re making it in a bulk. I mean their population stems from 300, we’re only a community of 28. But of course the people won’t hear any of it, all they hear is the word 650,000 RP!! F*ck. I really don’t know how to solve this issue. That’s why I’m pasrah. When I’m pasrah I don’t do anything about it. I suppose it just means I’m running away from the problem, but it’s really more of me trying to figure what my next move is going to be. I’m not much of a person who’s good in multi-tasking. I cannot juggle a million shit and have it all work out. Or maybe that’s why I’m not doing anything ‘cos there’s just so much that needs focus and I don’t know which to focus on so I decided to focus on none. Very loser mentality yah? People like me hard to progress-lho.

Miss IyanIyan once told me that I’m a perfectionist. I didn’t think I was. I didn’t have the achievements of a perfectionist. She thinks it’s in the little things that I do. E.g. how I won’t hold a Prognosis 2001 Editorial Board meeting if I didn’t make handouts listing the agenda and topics of discussion in time, the list I make of things-to-do in my organizer almost every day, and the fact that I get irked when schedules I plan don’t go the way it should, etc. It was a bit of a revelation to me because I never thought I had this trait in me. Perhaps everyone has a control freak in them just that it surfaces in different areas of their lives.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

nicotine fix

I think I found a form of salvation for my wretchedness. “sigaret” :D it’s such a cliché but somehow having a few rounds of smoke seems to miraculously strip me of my garbage whims. I kinda feel good. So THIS is what nicotine does to people. NOW I know why people get addicted to smoking. Tonight has been real good. Lindsay Lohan on repeat (hohoho yes, you heard that right ;D) and 5 sticks of DJarum “kretek”. I’m on this funny buzz and this makes work so much easier. So so much easier. I actually now ENJOY doing my learning issue and might have even some vigor left over to do some minor thesis typing. And this NEVER happens. Every time I light up, it worries me that I’m putting myself at high risk for cancer, infertility etc but I strike that match anyway. It’s like “Ah what the f*ck!!” I still don’t smoke in my room just as yet because I dislike the post-puff whiff that might taint my clothes which helps or I’d be finishing packets by myself in hours! So right now all puffing is currently done at either Miss KosKos’ or Miss MasMas’s or Miss KhaiKhai’s. I think if any of our parents ever find out their little girls have been doing ciggies, they’d go ballistic. I never thought I’d ever do cigarettes. I guess I never thought I’d do a lot of things… like medicine. Hah.

Also I never thought I’d have the discipline to lose weight. And I think I kinda am. Sometimes I can’t wait for the evenings so I can do my evening runs. I still hate it but I look forward to it. Don’t know how to explain this phenomena. Hate it but want it. Kinda like bad boys I suppose. I’m in a plateau. This means nothing seems to be happening to the weight-loss scheme. I have to take a more drastic approach. Starting from tomorrow is a very strict diet control. I still have not been too strict with my food intake. There’s still the greedy child in me. The one who’d finish an entire cake or the whole box of doughnuts. That size 10 Topshop slacks must must must hang from my hips by the end of June. At present times, it’s snug on my waist. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And that collarbone MUST protrude like sticks off my chest. And that sternal notch must hole in so deeply I could hold a guli inside it. If there’s one thing that I really feel reflects on beauty is an evident pelvic bone and a demure décolletage. I’ve dropped 2 bra size. I think I’m a B cup now. It sucks because I really love my D cups but I suppose something’s gotta give. I don’t see my bloody waist dropping inches like the stock market. F*ck.

I’m thoroughly in love with this Matthew Williamson spring/summer ’05 frock. (I HEART MW as in the I HEART HUCKABEES). It’s rainbow printed with silver stars. I thought it had a white base but when I assessed it a little more closely at another site, it had a more yellow tone to it. It doesn’t look as great as I thought before but it’s a best-seller so it still tops my list anyway. I suppose I have to say goodbye to my Blumarine number. It’s too late now to try finding for it. I really need to graduate quick or even the Matthew Williamson number would be obsolete. It’s not just the dress. I really need this recognition. The validity that I have not been wasting my youth these 4, 5 years. And for all the nights I cried myself to sleep, for the years I lived in animosity, for the months I curl myself up in bed to escape the loneliness, it’s been all worth the pain. That I actually achieved something in my life because till now when I try to recollect any form of real academic accomplishment in my territory, the list’s blank.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

do the shuffle

It has been ages since I last said anything. I think I have lost a significant amount of weight. Last I weigh-ed in, I was 58.8 kg in Serdang Pharmacy. Funny enough I was supposedly 55 kg in clinical skills lab last week but I deem that impossible because I CANNOT be 55 kg. That would make me the same weight as perhaps Miss GradiGradi or Miss MusMus and I am nowhere near the size of 55 kg. That scale is broken. But if it ISN’T broken then Miss IyanIyan and Miss KosKos has definitely put on some blubber as they claim the clinical skills lab scale to be approximately right. Anyway I’ve had lots of exclamation coming from friends back home and lecturers who haven’t seen me in awhile and even Ah Yung this acquaintance of mine who I have been recently webcammin’ with kinda thinks so too. Speaking of webcam, I really adore this whole idea of being able to view a person who could be right over the ocean from you. It brings internet communication to a whole other level. I find it so bizarre but delightful to see Ah Yung puffing into the camera as I fumble with my laptop trying to give him a 360º tour of my kitchen. It’s a funny thing this webcam. ANYWAY, back to the weight-loss issue, I contribute it a lot to the evening runs and futsal competition practice I have been going through lately. Unfortunately ever since I hurt my knee at the semi-finals, I have not been able to walk properly for a week which TOTALLY compromises my whole exercise routine.

Like I said before, we won the first round of futsal girls game. 0-1/1-0/1-0. I had the biggest buzz ever cos when I play, I play to win. I think we did pretty good for a team of oldies who practiced only a week before the competition without a coach. I was striker / midfielder. Anyway we were creamed the next day at the semi-finals. Not quite creamed-lah but we lost and I hate losing so let's just make it sound more melodramatic. I hurt my knee so now I can't flex or extend my left foot on effort. It pains to freakin’ death. I walk on crutches for now but I think the killer is trying to SQUAT over the toilet. I still don't know how to position myself so that I DON’T bend my knee, at one point I accidentally flexed that f*cking joint and I almost passed out on the toilet bowl(!!) The hurt is unbearable. I guess I'm not as tough / fit as I thought. And I can't even do floor exercises cos’ I tried that and oh well toilet-bowl incident reenactment. Very very ouch.

Other than that, Miss KosKos + Miss MasMas + Miss JoeJoe pulled in some money and got me an IPOD SHUFFLE for my birthday. Very very nice!! I think it tops my entire list of great birthday gifts though this one I kinda had to pay my way too cos’ I wanted a 1GB version (they overheard me ranting before). So it was like surprise, "here's your birthday gift and now you gotta fork in cos we're short” It's OK. I love that thing. It's a brilliant contraption the iPod shuffle. I would have liked a pink mini iPod better but this is damn great too. Not that we can afford the previous anyway at our current financial status.

So haven't been up to much except trying hard to finish up on my minor thesis. In case I haven't already mentioned, it's regarding the differences in levels of Monosodium glutamate (MSG) in leading brands of instant noodles between developed and developing countries. Boring boring medical chemistry and nutrition business-lah. There will be no need for elaboration. I'm not excited about all the typing its requiring anyway.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

05:05 05.05.05

Talk about perfect timing.

It's good that this week is quite slow. A public holiday amidst the week and another early next. I really need it. I can't quite pick up the way I could used to. These few trips returning to Indon (back-to-Indon blues) have been VERY VERY hard. I've finally exhausted all my energy. I cannot find the strength to go on anymore. I know I say this yet I still trudge on. I have no option. There is no alternative. This is the alternative. That or slitting my wrist.

I used to be huffy only on the Monday mornings when I was to be driven to the airport. My parents have learnt not to speak to me at all throughout the entire journey. Then it moved forward to the Sundays. Now, even the Saturdays and most of the entire week. I have learnt not to have friendly company on Sundays because it might kill me more. I believe I should avoid going out on Saturdays now too.

Ah Choy might be right. I should learn to let it out. It meaning my misery. I want to but to tell you the truth, I don't know how to. I don't know how to release my pain. And most of all I don't know who to. I think my father knows this trait of mine. He once told me that if I was ever in a marriage and things went badly that I should just pick myself up immediately and get a divorce. I must never try to hold on and worst of all: suffer in silence. This is the reason why he trained me to be an independent and strong individual. But in this matter, HOW DO I DIVORCE MY LIFE?
I'm not that tough after all. Ah Yung feels I should do something with my low self esteem. I know-lah. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to medicate myself. I am so confused and petrified and alone. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm enveloped by shame, lies and excuses.

Actually at one point I think Ah Choy sounded like he was going to approach my parents regarding this issue of mine. You could not imagine my alarm. He doesn’t understand after all. (Thank goodness I didn’t tell him much about whatever, it would have been a bloody waste of jaw effort). There are some things that parents ought NOT to be blatantly informed of: like if their daughter is a slut or their boy boy is having sex, smoking pot, and this… EVERYONE seems to think that there’s another way out. Like another option to this. They live in such an idealistic world. Sometimes there are NO CHOICES. Don’t they get it? And if there was, don’t they think I would have jumped at it already?? They think I like being unhappy? F*cking morons.
I mean there is no alternative to medical school. You cannot trade medical studies. Don’t these people get it?? They don’t. Only medical students get this. And it’s not that I’m being prejudiced towards non-medic students but they think you can exchange some credits and go elsewhere or just drop it and take up mass-communications. What the f*ck? Unless it’s an offer to be the next Marc Jacobs or Stella McCartney, there is NO alternatives to medical school. But of course stuff like this you can’t quite explain.

People, they just don’t f*cking understand.
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