Thursday, January 27, 2005

sigh II

So I cry a hearty cry as the rain residue drips off the tiles of my roof onto the puddle below. I hear it patter softly as tears flow down my cheek and my chest heaves with such pain that it chokes me even just to breathe. For I am alone and the weight of the world burdens my aching shoulders. I’ve always wished for someone to be my companion through this journey. I would be his rock as he would be mine. But there is no one. Which makes me venture on bravely, singular and alone, fighting battle after battle, never losing but most of all never winning. It is difficult to be a woman in this era. We have to be independent yet dependent, strong yet weak, secure yet insecure, beautiful yet plain. The society demands of us to be a cocktail of Heidi Klum, Martha Stewart, Margaret Thatcher, Princess Diana, Mother Teresa and a Moulin Rouge girl all in one flesh of a person. We must be able to nurture, care, pamper, seduce, protect and war when situation beckons. It’s having to be a man but in the end still remain very much a woman. Very tricky. Very very tricky.

People always told me that life just gets more painful the older we grow. I wonder now why I ever wanted to become an adult. For all the times I wish I had freedom so that the streets could become my playground, now I just want someone to make me stay home. For all the times I longed to feel desolation and all those writhing emotions I watch and hear the grown-ups rant about, now I wish I’d never taste the forbidden fruit at all. We are surrounded by so much despair that I feel so sorrowful for us mankind. I look around me and all I see are the masks of smiles camouflaging the hurt, anger and bitterness inside. We never speak of such taboo though, oh no, but we will wake up to a ringing alarm clock every morning, turn ourselves in at lectures or work places, munch through our designated lunch gossips, speak of the weather like it’s the meteor and offer friendly banter. But we will not even utter a word of our sadness. Hush, adults just do not do such deeds. I never thought a person could feel such melancholy. I didn’t think it was possible. I figured they just never made effort to please themselves. I know now that they are just lost. They are just trying to find their way back home. And it is frustrating because it is exhausting. I know this because I am tired. And it is not that I have not tried because I have. I tried. And nothing. And the hurt just keeps growing and growing like a metastatic tumor as if you’re wrestling to hold your soul down as it struggles to break free. I thought growing up would offer me the answers to life’s questions. But as time goes by, I realize that all I ever do is get more and more confused. There are no answers but more questions. There is a weight on my shoulders which feels like the weight of the world. And I am struggling to keep my responsibilities propped up but I’m wearing down by the minute. Most of the time I just want to let go, not giving a second thought to the world’s consequences or results of my actions.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

saturday night fever

So much has happened since. It’s 8.10 pm on a perfect Saturday night which explains the blackout. My Saturday nights can’t even be left alone. All I needed was to watch a pirated DVD while munching on a heavily calorie-d snack just in time to catch the water coming in for my bath at 5pm but no, it’s 3 hours later, I’m still in my morning clothes, smelling like filth and around me, pitch black darkness. The work piles on for every minute it ticks without electricity… how do I know this? The answer lies in the twitch on my face which matches the minute hand on that idiot clock of mine. It’s a week to the Endocrinology exam and I know nothing. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself: allowing myself to NOT know ANYTHING till the last minute. I hate myself so much sometimes.

Still no progress with Mr Semangka *sigh* I'm really not good at this. In face I'm useless. Miss PetchiPetchi and Miss RenjitRenjit are very disappointed that I haven't even made an effort to be in contact. But how can I KEEP in contact if the person doesn't seem to want to be in contact. I know I cannot blame HIM because, well, HE doesn't know me, now does HE? So fine I blame myself. This chasing thing is superiorly arduous.

Saturday, January 01, 2005


So Miss PalnaPalna asks me to be her plus-1 to this spanking outta-this-world new year bash. It was supposed to be this giganto P A R T Y that the whole world is invited to. Wah. So I agreed-lah. Mana tau can find someone decent enough to snog on countdown. Aiii. Nothing like that. Just afew close friends of the host and lotsa relatives in saris. I wish I followed Ah Choy to Cameron Highlands instead.

L-R: Miss PalnaPalna, moi (I just got my braces that week and I didn't know how to smile in them), friend, friend's chick, friend's chick's friend

We quickly made a dash. Didn't know where to go since we're hopelesss social retards. Decided to go to S*bucks, Bangsar instead. Lots of family and teenagers spraying foam at each other. I felt so old and overdressed.
Since we didn't know what to do so in the end we got ourselves seated at S*bucks verandah and watched youngsters getting hyped bout the new year. My moonboots were getting slippery from all the foam.

L-R: moi, Miss PalnaPalna

Got bored so went to have a couple of scoops at Baskin Robbins. Boredom is.

Traffic jam gila. Made Miss PalnaPalna pose with souvenirs I got her from Tokyo... Sanrio Puroland Hello Kitty mobile phone accessory and geisha fan.

Kill time by trying to get a good picture of both of us in it. Damn wu liao.

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