Tuesday, November 30, 2004

sigh

I cried myself to sleep last night. It happens sometimes. I must learn how to channel my emotions into a more positive and productive tone.

I’m so alone. And I’m confused. And I’m afraid. The future scares me. I thought I had it all figured out. It being the future. I thought all that could help determine the future is to graduate. To think getting myself into college and university would solve the riddle of the sphinx. It only made things more perplexing. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me. I’m fearful that I will be unhappy and lead a miserable solitude life… even though I have tried so hard to avoid the circumstance from happening.

People say that nothing good could ever come out of trying to please everyone, and we should only do things to please ourselves. I suppose that person did not come from a typical Chinese family. In a Chinese family, the only way to try to please yourself is by first pleasing others. First in line,your parents. There is the whole ‘face’ issue to deal with and that is very very tricky. I love my parents very very much and I know how much they have sacrificed to make everything possible for me. We used to be so poor you know. Like really really poor. I remember back in those times when we lived in a tiny house in Taman Sri Rampai, we had almost NO furniture in the house except for a green 2-door fridge at one corner and a couple of bamboo settees at another. There was so much space in the hall I could drive this battery-operated jeep all around the room. The only perks that ever occurred were once in awhile Mmmy would fry keropok or she’d slow-cook corn thong-suey. Something great must have happened if she cooked thong-suey. Like if it’s my birthday or something. And birthdays used to be just a slice of banana or pandan sponge cake from pasar malam. We were poor alright. By the time Sophiekins was born the family had started to creep into the average-income box so perhaps she doesn’t quite comprehend the family circumstances as much as I did cos I was there from Taman Sri Rampai to SS2 to Taman Mayang Jaya and now here in Mutiara Damansara. I know when people look at me, all they see is some pampered Daddy’s girl who uses the Amex Platinum like it’s fucking tissue or something. Like I don’t know how much blood sweat tears it took for my Dddy to earn the cash only for me to throw it away over material posessions. Trust me, I know. I’ve known the value of money since I was born and it might have took people to start working or their family to go bankrupt before they could recognize the worth of cash but I have been taught it since the day I was born. But of course, all they see is some pampered Daddy’s girl who uses the Amex like it’s tissue. Heh society. They’re such a joke sometimes.

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