Tuesday, November 30, 2004


I cried myself to sleep last night. It happens sometimes. I must learn how to channel my emotions into a more positive and productive tone.

I’m so alone. And I’m confused. And I’m afraid. The future scares me. I thought I had it all figured out. It being the future. I thought all that could help determine the future is to graduate. To think getting myself into college and university would solve the riddle of the sphinx. It only made things more perplexing. I’m terrified of what the future holds for me. I’m fearful that I will be unhappy and lead a miserable solitude life… even though I have tried so hard to avoid the circumstance from happening.

People say that nothing good could ever come out of trying to please everyone, and we should only do things to please ourselves. I suppose that person did not come from a typical Chinese family. In a Chinese family, the only way to try to please yourself is by first pleasing others. First in line,your parents. There is the whole ‘face’ issue to deal with and that is very very tricky. I love my parents very very much and I know how much they have sacrificed to make everything possible for me. We used to be so poor you know. Like really really poor. I remember back in those times when we lived in a tiny house in Taman Sri Rampai, we had almost NO furniture in the house except for a green 2-door fridge at one corner and a couple of bamboo settees at another. There was so much space in the hall I could drive this battery-operated jeep all around the room. The only perks that ever occurred were once in awhile Mmmy would fry keropok or she’d slow-cook corn thong-suey. Something great must have happened if she cooked thong-suey. Like if it’s my birthday or something. And birthdays used to be just a slice of banana or pandan sponge cake from pasar malam. We were poor alright. By the time Sophiekins was born the family had started to creep into the average-income box so perhaps she doesn’t quite comprehend the family circumstances as much as I did cos I was there from Taman Sri Rampai to SS2 to Taman Mayang Jaya and now here in Mutiara Damansara. I know when people look at me, all they see is some pampered Daddy’s girl who uses the Amex Platinum like it’s fucking tissue or something. Like I don’t know how much blood sweat tears it took for my Dddy to earn the cash only for me to throw it away over material posessions. Trust me, I know. I’ve known the value of money since I was born and it might have took people to start working or their family to go bankrupt before they could recognize the worth of cash but I have been taught it since the day I was born. But of course, all they see is some pampered Daddy’s girl who uses the Amex like it’s tissue. Heh society. They’re such a joke sometimes.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Sunday, November 14, 2004

"i'll be cool, i'll be useful, i'll be cavalier, i'll be yours my dear and i'll belong to you if you would help me through"

Happy Birthday Ah Choy.

Welcome to Club 23. Next year we’d be a step close to being a quarter of a century years old… the dreaded mid-twenties. Ah Choy was one of my first friends back in high school. I remember when I first met him I thought he was just the most adorable thing and I still do most of the times (his strong contenders are Rivers Cuomo, River Phoenix, Joseph Hahn, Jason Lo, Aragorn, Nicolas Saputra, Takuya Kimura). A decade has passed and he has blossomed from a puny cheeky boy to a charming, sheepish lad. We used to “gayut” on the telephone for centuries non-stop every day!! Now when I think of it, I don’t really know how we manage to keep talking so much and what is it that we talked about anyway. Thing is, we never really talked while in school, just on the phone. Maybe because of me being FAT and all that. I don’t blame him, teenage boys would never be caught having a good time with a FAT girl. They would be teased relentlessly. Don’t worry Ah Choy, I don’t hold it against you. Sometimes fleeting memories of the past flickers in my brain: World Cup football bets, you, your Tamiya toolbox and white Tshirt, Miss SwenSwen, your silver racer bike, the day you busted your balls while eating KFC at Miss ChongChong’s place with Ah Ng, when you shaved your head bald and was forced to stand on the table by our class teacher, tuition classes at Miss RuiRui’s, PMR, PMR results, moving to streams, Miss KowKow, SPM, crying at Titanic, prom, you giving me the giant Elmo that was meant for Miss KowKow to save yourselves buying a gift, sending me off to UK, SPM results, me getting sloshed and falling off my seat at William’s mamak, you going to engineering school, then me go to Indon, ice-cream binges in Swensens, KL tower escapade… basically 10 years of activities-lah. Ah Choy probably don’t know it but he has been around for much of the hallmarks of my FAT life. He doesn’t usually say much (though when he does open his mouth once in awhile.. it’s usually jaw-droppingly WISE that I’d swear there’s literally gold in his mouth) but he’s just there.

For that I love you.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

the terminal

Damn tired. My head could literally fall flat on the focaccia.

At this present moment I am seated in a pseudo french cafe (Delifrance-lah) looking out at terminal crowds. It will be ages till my flight. As usual, Dddy always drops me off early. Literally. He kinda hates having to park his car so it's really basically like how a parent would drop his/her child off at school, mine happens to be where aeroplanes arrive & depart. I think some people would feel lonely should that happen but I never have such thoughts. Besides I'm too tired to think of anything and the whole morning came off with a bad start. 2 months ago, my sister managed to find my Barclays cheque book which contained the Boots & WHSmith cards (for collecting points) to bring with her to Liverpool which to my prior knowledge had been misplaced. The thing is, 2 months later, the house got renovated without my knowing (my dad's idea of a good surprise) and all my things got shuffled around. Now here I am due to leave for Manchester in 4 hours without my UK ATM card and bank details. Crap. I had been searching for it the whole entire night.. that and packing sheer crap for my sister and it's not as if she could be a little more understanding by trying to figure out the exact geographic location where she last left the bloody cheque book!! No, instead I get her accented "I dunno" response. Very very lame. I did not sleep a wink the whole damn night. Now my parents are involved in the search and they're getting real frustrated bout the whole missing cheque book cum ATM card cum bank details. A petty family squable in the making so I kept my mouth damn shut as preventive measures. And I'm SO TIRED. SO DAMN BLOODY TIRED. I'm not fasting today. Have my period. Feel like having a Tiramisu cake. It's one of my evil vices. I already had a smoked salmon sandwich. It was rather tiny though. Oh but I shouldn't have a cake TOO. I should have had the cake INSTEAD of the sandwich not WITH. I shall refrain. I almost thought I had to lug come crap out from the luggage given the extra weight I keep shoving in. But it went a-OK in the end. No overweight charges and they didn't even requested to weight my REALLY heavy hand luggage. I pray it all goes well. Oh and I even got the aisle seat without first requesting for it as my mind was so preoccupied.
I love aisle seats, you don't have to bug anyone or obligingly wait for the fella to be awake just to get out. If legs get cramped up, you can just stick it out the sides. Sometimes if it's not a full flight, the middle seat could be empty and you could hog it off the other side and have 2 seats to your own. Aaaah bliss!! Let's just pray the in-flight entertainment is in fact entertaining. And working. I have really horrid luck when it comes to in-flight's electronic devices. I know this for sure because in EVERY flight something'll go wrong... be it the remote or screen or volume lever or games button or whatever. I usually pray it's just the headphones cos THAT you can exchange. I should control myself to not overeat in the flight as well. I've already lost 5 kg prior before coming home. I MUST not put on that weight. Maintaining OK. Decreasing tres bien.

Went out with Ah Yeoh and Ah Choy the other day. Ah Yeoh brought us to this place in Chow Kit Road to makan siew yoke meen. Ultimate YUM! Even thinking of it sends my gastric juices pumping. Meeting up with them makes me realize how much I miss their company. It's been a year since. Ah Yeoh will graduate in summer this year. Ah Choy is an engineer working in a sewerage company. Much has progressed since. Last time I saw them, Ah Choy was still bumming around and Ah Yeoh was not yet at the verge of graduating. I seem to be the least affected by the evolution phase. My eyelids are shutting down on me. Maybe I should go sleep on the couch. The only thing that worries me is that I don't wake up in time for my flight. And I think at this state of mind, I am capable to do so. Better just hold on. 50 mins left only mah. Maybe that Tiramisu might be the cure to this suffering. Or maybe not.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

"sometimes you're crazy, then you wonder why i'm such a baby 'cos the dolphins made me cry"

It’s 1 in the morning. I should go sleep soon. It’s a big day with much to do. Going home.
  • Get my eyebrows plucked
  • Check up on textbooks availability (for the new Endocrinology block)
  • Refer to SIRIM bout this lab assay technique I need for my minor thesis, which is unavailable in Bandung
  • Shop for Sophiekins’ supplies
  • Shop for my own supplies
  • Pack up for Manchester
  • Buy another laptop and transfer all my data into the new one
  • Find out what’s wrong with this RM600 worth of Sony memory stick that seems to say ‘error’ everytime I pop it into my digital cam
  • Get all 4 of my spectacles straightened (yes, I need that many!!)
  • Buy that MNG cardigan I’ve been waiting a whole while to get
  • Check out what’s on Topshop sales rack (as informed by Miss KosKos)
  • Scan some old pictures
  • Buy Lonely Planet Berlin condensed
  • Go have a quick drink with old mates.
I’m feeling perturbed. The exams are over, I’m going home, I know… just an uneasy pang that doesn’t seem to want to rest. I don’t have anything in particular that might draw attention to the etiology of this perception. Must be some somatoform explanation to this. Or maybe I worry too much about trivial matters that make me not able to pin-point an exact basis of this mini-anxiety. Maybe I might live into the answers one day.

Friday, November 05, 2004

"some people live for the fortune.. some people live just for the fame"

I cannot study. Nothing seems to want to register into my brain and all my eyes are doing are skimming the surfaces of my notes. “All I wanna do is have some fun before I die says the man next to me out of nowhere” hehe, no, all I wanna do is go home. I think my tolerance threshold for this place shortens come every next semester. You’d think it would be the other way around but noooo… it just doesn’t work like that. The word resistance does not apply to good ole Jatinangor. And I’m not even that much of a home-sick person. Things weren’t this bad back in Brighton & Liverpool. Actually things weren’t at all horrid.. but here. Oh here. Aiya it’s 4.30 am, better continue reading. Sigh.

I should throw more parties!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

*come september*

I went to visit Yaya yesterday. Her condition has improved immensely since the last time I saw her. She seems to be much more lively and really almost her ownself again. She still cannot pronounce most words (meaning she can’t say “baca buku”, instead she says “caba boka” though she says “iya, nggak, bisa” very well!!) and have trouble recognizing objects but most of her memory is regained. She’s currently under going speech therapy and she needs to keep speaking and getting exposed to naming objects in order to speed up neural stimulation. She’s taken a semester off from 4th year to recuperate but I am worried she might not be able to recover enough to return to medical studies.

As Elton says it well: “It’s a sad, sad situation”
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