Thursday, October 28, 2004

men are from timbuktoo

Exams are at the end of this week and will last till Friday of the next week. Crap. I know people hear this more than often enough but I really am NOT prepared for the exams. As the years go by, I have become less disturbed by pressure. Kind of numbed to the sensation maybe. I know I’m scared because I feel nausea and my respiratory rate quickens but I still don’t really bother to study. I just want to go home. I usually can’t stand this place but it gets most unbearable when I set the dates to my flight ticket. That’s when the whole ‘I wanna go home’ syndrome kicks in and all I can do is hope the sun sets faster. Sometimes I just don’t know how to explain how much I despise this place.
I got a reply. I sort of signed Mr Semangka's guest book some days ago and HE replied. Not much of a progress though. HE sort of gave a stumped reply. Nothing that could carry on the so-called non conversation. I don’t know whether I should keep trying. I’m torn between trying to remain classy and developing a hot pursuit. I’ve consulted a few parties regarding this dilemma.

Miss KosKos, Miss MasMas, Miss IyanIyan: do not pursue any further, do not risk being labeled pathetic.
Miss PetchiPetchi, Miss RenjitRenjit: keep going or nothing will happen

Boys are such complex people. Moreover, I don’t know how to go about all this whole trying to attain attention thing. It’s hard. The last time I had such a heavy crush was 4 years back. And I don’t think I did a good job developing that relationship. It’s definitely the FAT thing. I bet things could have had a better prognosis if my pants size was equivalent to Cameron Diaz’. And after what happen pre-prom (1998), I don’t think I could ever muster the guts to ask a boy out anymore. His name was IvanL and we were in the same class through out higher secondary (Form 4 + Form 5). I’ve never really noticed him around but I did know he was relatively popular among his friends. Anyway we starred in the class play together and I was intrigued by this pleasant, well-mannered boy who was great with people, studies and sports. Frankly, I didn’t even realize we went to the same tuition class till I started being fascinated about him. I would sketch the back of his head on my “karangan’ notes and find all opportunities to try to get a conversation going. I suppose he was just trying to be the nice gentleman that day when he offered to carry my stuff when we walked to tuition class together but I thought perhaps he MIGHT be interested in this FAT girl after all. I was plainly wrong. Fast forward a few months and our school prom was a few weeks ahead. I decided I had done enough waiting so I approached him to ask him to be my date to the prom. I still cringe when I reminisce what happened. My friends were tagging behind as my support banisters as I ran up to him. I laid out my proposal and he looked somewhat petrified. Like I opened Pandora’s box or something. He started to give excuses and I tried to remedy every excuse. WHY DID I EVEN BOTHER? So anyway at one point he just… kinda… ran away home. Literally. Like that scene out of Forrest Gump. I don’t think I could have been more mortified. He never talked to me after that. Sometimes I wonder what it was about me that left him so horrified. The FAT thing I can understand but also maybe (horrors!!) I wasn’t smart. Yup, society not only demands perfection off your looks but your mind as well. So in order to work out with the social order you must be Einstein in Claudia Schiffer. Right.

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